6/13/2005

Rock me Nostradamus

I don’t admire Nostradamus the way supernatural sycophants do. Nor do I put much stock into Nostradamus’ predictions. Some people swear he’s genuine, 100%, grade-A prognosticator. These are the same people who read a couple of Anne Rice novels and believe vampires really exist -- in Europe and New Orleans. I think I saw one working at a Kinko’s downtown the other night. Anyway, Nostradamus was nothing more than John Edwards in drag. Historians have reached and stretched his writings to retrofit his “predictions” to future events. I’m not impressed. What’s Nostradamus’ most celebrated prediction? Adolf Hitler. If you read his work, you discover the prophet Nostradamus prognosticated “Hister,“ a brutal tyrant who would ravage Europe. Naturally, historians point to Adolf Hitler as the object of Nostradamus’ work. Proof positive.

Boy, Nostradamus really went out on a limb with that one! Did he mean to say that sometime in the future, a short, ugly, evil, egotistical jerkoff would usurp political power and rule with an iron fist, killing and starving millions of innocent people along the way? I just want to be sure. Because that’s never happened before! I hear John Edwards, self-described psychic, recently told an emotionally challenged woman that her father, whom she never really knew, wants to make amends from the beyond! Who would have guessed?

Please don’t think I’m skeptical of ESP, psychic powers, the sixth-sense, or whatever some eccentric douche bag who hasn’t won the lottery yet, is selling. I’m as open-minded as the next guy. I merely ask that a handful of psychic predictions be useful. Why didn’t Nostradamus encourage me to buy Microsoft stock in the 1990s? Why didn’t he warn me that the hot Asian girl at Kokomo’s had the clap? Hell, I’d have been grateful if he warned me not to buy a Kia. How hard is it to make a power-window that doesn’t derail, anyway?

I’ve never told anybody this before, but I dabble in psychic predictions myself. I’ve gotten pretty good over the years. For instance, I predicted Bo Bice wouldn’t win American Idol. I kept having dreams where he’d shower at my place and clog my drains with his mane of hair. My therapist wanted me to get in touch with my gayness. But he’s not psychic. Only I am qualified to interpret my prognostications.

Anyway, now that I have a blog, I figure I should publish my predictions for posterity. Someday they’ll make me famous, and you can all say you knew me. In the meantime, please feel free to profit from my psychic predictions to whatever extent you imagination allows.

  • Hawkish Pentagon officials clamor for more of federal pie to go to defense. Doves in Congress agree as long as military actions are humanitarian efforts having no discernable American interest.
  • If you smoke, drive an SUV, go to church, eat meat, own property, spank your kids, eat fast food, or display an American flag by your doorstep -- there will be a new group who hates you and is currently appealing to the ACLU to sue or prosecute you out of existence. They’re just looking out for your rights.
  • A few more nations will decide they hate the United States.
  • Crude oil prices will climb, OPEC will claim its hands are tied. The government will raise taxes on fuel. American consumer will take it in the shorts.
  • Stock prices will stagnate; average business executive salaries and bonus packages will surge 55%.
  • A government program fails to deliver on promises. Washington insists it needs more funding. Republicans and Democrats will clash on how much more.
  • Israeli-Palestine talks will result in peace. No, I’m just kidding. They still hate each other.
  • Shortening and jawbreakers will be the new health foods.
  • B-list bimbo will “accidentally” lose pornographic recording of her sexing some has-been low-life. The performance will be uploaded to the Internet. B-list bimbo will become A-list bimbo.
  • School grades prove that kids keep getting dumber and more violent, but they’re even better at using computers than they are today.
  • An evil genius will take over the world by installing hypnotic marching orders into I-pod circuitry.
  • A revolutionary new diet fad will grip America and everybody will get 10 pounds fatter [What Would Jesus Eat? A little pussy, if the mood struck him right.].
  • There will be a bunch more crappy-sitcoms and yet another CSI crime drama series.
  • Millions of women will develop dark-purple smudges on their lower backs where tattoos used to be. Men will have a similar discolored ring around their upper biceps.

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