7/21/2005

Flashes from the lightning bug

  • OsBasso promotes HNT with the subtlety of a boner in a Speedo. Hey, that would make a great HNT picture. (Just kidding, BaseBone. You know I’m just jealous).
  • I know it‘s impossible, but I believe every dog owner who tells me he or she has “the best dog in the world.” Incidentally, I believe if you examined dog-lovers as a class, you’d find a disproportionately high grade of people -- the heartiest among us. How strange that one’s love for dogs reveals one’s love for man.
  • I saw a sign in a convenience store that read “No lottery ticket purchases with credit card.” I hope I don’t come off as preachy when I write that if you’re buying lottery tickets with credit, you need a new financial adviser. It’s a cinch you’re no E.F. Hutton. These are the same people who purchase extended warranties and Thigh Masters.
  • I find it fun and amusing to call my wife “numb nuts” when she says something silly or makes a mistake. Ironically, she responds by hurling a hard, dense object at my groin.
  • When people need to urinate, they utter the cute little phrase “Excuse me, but nature calls.” Nature, huh? You need to watch the Discovery Channel more closely. If we relieved ourselves by the dictates of nature, we’d whip the thing out and whiz on the restaurant floor -- or perhaps the maitre d’s leg, just to show him who the top dog is.
  • I recently visited the Sears Tower in Chicago. It’s the tallest building in the world. I like to think of it as Earth’s penis, which makes the surrounding metropolis the ball sack -- a fair analogy, let me assure the reader. Actually, Chicago is a delightful city. It enjoys international repute for its food and dining. I ate a hamburger at a north-side deli that was nothing short of miraculous. Some 18 hours later, I took a crap that was nothing short of disastrous. Alright, no more dick and poo poo jokes. I promise.
  • I also visited a theme park, Six Flags Great America. I’m never going back. In fact, I’ll never go to another theme park. Waiting around for an hour and forty minutes for a ride that lasts 100 seconds is lunacy. Of course if women thought like that, we’d never have sex again.
  • My grandparents have a bird feeder which dispenses fluid below the perch. Therefore, the only way a bird can drink is by hanging upside down. The feeder attracts only those birds that have the ability to feed while hanging upside-down. The only species in their area that can do this is the finch. And, of course, college frat boys. That’s what grandma’s BB gun is for.
  • Speaking of drinking at grandma’s house, I had to conceal a bottle of hooch and drink late at night, after my grandparents went to sleep, because in their eyes I’ll always be an 8-year-old angel. I noticed something. Booze tastes a little better when you have to hide it from others. Maybe that’s why so many minors drink.

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