Two duds and a doozie

  • Sarcasm is merely a jackhammer for penetrating a head made of stone.
  • Putting more letters after your name doesn’t necessarily put more dollars in your wallet.

    If you’re a guy, you have two ways to attract the girl of you dreams: 1) You can make the most of yourself, cultivate a dynamite career, stay in shape, and be kind, loving and humorous. Or 2) you can spray down your junk with Axe Body Spray. At least that’s what getting from the commercial. When did men start wearing body scents? Sweet Juniper! It’s not enough I have to shower every other day? Now I’ve got to immerse my “hot-spots” (genitalia, I presume) with aerosol reeking of equal parts pine needles and mule piss? My scrotum retains the faint and pleasant residue of Dial Soap. That’s as far as I’m going. And one more thing: I’m not paying 16 bucks for a pair of designer boxer-brief underwear. I’ve got designer jeans that don’t cost that much. If my wife wants her man in designer underwear, she’s welcome to close her eyes and picture Markie Mark showcasing his bulge on a billboard above Manhattan while I’m making love to her. That's what I do. And no earrings, either. I still can’t get used to guys wearing earrings. And nowadays, they overdo it. Twenty years ago, it was a diamond stud. Now these guys look like queer fishing lures with all that jewelry. In fact, I hope the next fella these guys go down on jolts their earlobes with a defibrillator. That’ll teach them.

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