8/29/2005

Aggravations

A blog is nothing if not a place to rant. Here are 10 aggravations selected at random from my life. Here goes...

1) FUNERAL PRECESSIONS: It’s a dead body, people -- not a trailer party. I have as much respect for the dead as the next guy. But do we really need to gridlock a city because 92 year-old Myrtle had a fatal stroke trying to butter toast? I’m trying to get to work! Myrtle has the rest of eternity to make it to Bing’s Discount Burials. Get the hell out of my way.

2) FAST FOOD CLERKS who take your order, wait until the split second you start speaking, then interrupt you with “is this for here or to go?” Why the fuck didn't you ask that beforehand? Do you enjoy interrupting? Your parents should have practiced coitus interruptus! By the way, my order is to-go, because after I'm done kicking you in the crotch, I'm going to need to make a fast getaway with my #5 combo! You degenerate.

3) HOLLYWOOD ACTIVISTS: It pisses me off to listen to somebody with 29 bedrooms address the issue of homelessness. Sounds a bit insincere. Hey, Mr. Hollywood jerkoff, if you're looking for a cause celebre, how about the shortage of decent movies coming out of Hollywood?

4) WEEDS: These things can grow in a mixture of cement and battery acid. Actually, I respect weeds' toughness. They just aggravate me when they flaunt it around my dead, dried up garden. If I break wind outdoors, my rose trees keel over. But I can't kill my weeds with gasoline. I don’t get it.

5) BABY BOOMERS: Have you seen a bigger lot of sellouts? Thirty-five years ago these people fought to say the word “fuck.” Now they file sexual harassment suits to sue the person saying it.

6) GOATEES: Guys think this makes them look tough and rugged. All it really does is tickle their boyfriends' balls.

7) MEN WITH PONY TAILS: This is another thing that guys think makes them look macho. But all it really does is give their boyfriends a handle to pull on during oral sex.

8) THE WORD "BULLCRAP": If you use this word, go fornicate yourself.

9) COLLEGE SCIENCE MAJORS who celebrate the comic genius of Monty Python: Come on, nerdlings. If you can figure differential equations, you should be able to figure out that Monty Python is warmed-over mutton. British humor peaked with Benny Hill -- and that was mostly because of all the topless girls. If you want to laugh at British guys, check out a Congress of Parliament on C-Span.

10) HOUSEFLIES: If I had the gift of flight, I’d find a more appealing place then my own hair. There’s nothing in there but cured Sports Gel. Shoo, fly! Go find an Humberto’s Taco Stand.

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