8/25/2005

A diamond in the asphalt

Freeways reserve a lane for carpooling. They identify this lane with a diamond painted into the asphalt. As long as you have two or more bodies in your car, you can use the carpool lane and leave all the friendless chumps behind!

I think the carpool lane is a diamond of an idea. In fact, I love the notion of assigning lanes to those with special needs. We need more categories for more drivers. Why should carpoolers have all the fun? This isn't about getting rid of bad drivers. I don’t believe in “good” and “bad” drivers. We all just have different needs, different states-of-mind. Therefore, it makes sense to merge everybody with the same mentality into the same lane.


Commuting-to-work lane: This lane has no rules (like a date with Courtney Love). You can drive as recklessly as you please and take your life into your own hands -- along with all the other commuters. After all, you’re heading to work. Who cares if you crash? Take me out of my misery, please. I know I’d rather spend a day in the trauma center than my cubical! Also welcome in this lane -- people who have to urinate real badly.

Window-shoppers’ lane: On the opposite side of the road from the Commuting-to-work lane, above. This lane is for drivers who evidently have no place to be and all day to get there. In fact, their only purpose seems to be slowing down the rest of us. This lane is for all the mid-80’s model sedans with the wood paneling and the missing rear bumper -- the cars of old people, serial killers and traveling salesmen. Also welcome are those who are lost and have to read each road sign, and those who enjoy giving themselves a fondle during a long, leisurely drive. The only rule here is you can’t leave once you enter (like Kobe Byrant’s hotel dates).

Drunk-armed-and-angry lane: For all intoxicated drivers who have a firearm in the glove box and a naked-lady mud flap on the back of their trucks. And of course, those with a cartoon character taking a whiz on a car manufacturer emblem. Drive this lane at your own risk. Emergency services to not respond to calls from this lane. You’re on your own. Hopefully you can do society a favor and thin out your own ranks.

No comments: