Don't blame me. Blame the Skyy.

  • Every embarrassment begins with a lie one has told oneself.
  • Why not put an adequate amount of ketchup in the packet? Or, make them easier to tear open with greasy fingers. I’m open to either solution.
  • I wouldn’t be able to laugh at much if I didn’t know death awaited all of us.
  • The Food Network is the pornography channel to short order cooks across the country. And seafood dishes are the full-frontals.
  • If ancient portraits featured robes and swords, why don’t modern portraits feature Spandex and I-Pods?
  • The probability of a morning boner is directly proportional to the number of coworkers in the room and inversely proportional to the room one’s slacks afford the crotch.
  • Failure to order at least one veggie pizza guarantees at least one disgruntled vegetarian; remembering to order at least one veggie pizza guarantees at least one uneaten pizza.
  • The most common discovery researchers make is that they need more funding.
  • The only time household chores seem worthwhile is when you have to go to work.
  • I spent four years of high school ditching history and science classes and my entire adulthood watching the History Channel and the Discovery Channel. I think somebody should start The Irony Channel.
  • The worst mistake women made was the Feminist Movement. Once men learned that women liked sex too, we stopped negotiating.
  • The most magical time of day takes place between the second and third cocktail.
  • While it’s not better to look good than to feel good, looking good does make you feel good.
  • I haven’t balanced my checkbook in a decade, but I know exactly how many calories I’ve eaten an burned at the gym today.
  • We blame fashion magazines for defining beauty, as if big boobs, shapely legs and full lips needed an ad campaign to become popular.

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