8/10/2005

I did it My Way, and it sucked

Sometimes I wonder how some celebrities managed to claw their way from obscurity. How the hell did they make it with such little talent? How did they succeed in an entertainment venue? How are their knees holding up?

Bob Hope? He was a nice guy and a patriot. But he wasn't funny. I've gotten more laughs watching Holocaust documentaries. Bob Hope couldn't make me laugh if he filled the room with nitrous oxide and tickled my balls with a feather.

Frank Sinatra? Old Blue Balls? That guy couldn't carry a tune if you stuffed it down his shorts. Frank Sinatra is living proof -- well, now he's dead proof -- that Italians are tone deaf. Although I did enjoy him offering Sinead O'Cue Ball a kick in the ass after she tore a picture of the Pope. Just don't get your foot caught in the gash, Chairman!

Jerry Lewis? Cerebral palsy is usually funny. But this no-talent manages to eviscerate the humor out of retardation. The French can keep him. After all, who would notice one more self-important, arrogant douche bag in France. Talk about camouflage.

Sammy Davis, Jr? I know if I were Sammy Davis, Sr., I’d have myself neutered after siring that genetic misfire. Sammy’s face looked like he just caught a cactus in the crotch. Yikes! He should be thankful he only had one eye; that way when he looks in the mirror, he’ll only be half as ugly. And anybody whose career highlights feature a rendition of The Candy Man should die working two jobs and sucking dick for rent money, the way the E! True Hollywood Story intended.

Hold on. I need to draft a quick check-list of people I’ve offended:

Italians -- check.
Jews -- double check.
Feminists -- check.
Advocates for the disabled -- check.
The WWII Generation -- check.
African Americans -- check.
The French -- check.
Eunichs -- check (sorry, PopFizz).
Those with good taste -- bingo!

Well, I think I’ve covered everybody. Good afternoon.

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