The Lost LBB Maxims

  • If education prevents crime, why don’t we send criminals to school instead of jail?
  • A woman I admire and whose advice I try to live by just wrote that she has no friends who cuss. She ads that she can’t think of anybody interesting who uses vulgarity. Well, fuck that cunt.
  • I’m on a quest to find the rendezvous point where lost socks and sunglasses meet.
  • You know how you can have a case of the shits? Well, I’ve got a case of the I-don’t-give-a-shits.
  • Some people remind me that “two wrongs don’t make a right.” I’m not trying to make a right. I’m trying to get revenge. Duh. If I wanted to do right, I’d consult the Bible or search my conscience or something. I want to get even with the bastard. I don’t give a whoop whether it’s right or not. Let God sort it out.
  • Have you seen those signs on the pizza delivery cars that read, “Driver carries less than $20.” The idea is to discourage robbery. If that’s the case, why not just put a sign on the car that reads, “Driver carries firearm?”
  • Happiness is part-time work.
  • I don’t understand how some vegetarians eat eggs. Don’t they realize that they’re so anxious to eat an animal that they can’t even wait until it’s born before they kill it?
  • Speaking of vegetarians, I wonder what they would do if we genetically engineered a tree that grew meat instead of fruit.
  • Now that we’re in a “global economy,” I can’t help noticing that white people are the minority. In a global context, white is the new black. So I want some affirmative action up in this motherfucker. My people have been oppressed too damn long.
  • There are two awakenings in life. The first is realizing that you don’t really like work. The second is realizing that’s the stuff life is made of.
  • I’m going to invent a car that runs on discarded cell phones and MP3 players.
  • The best career advice I can give is to forget ambition, creativity, schmoozing the boss, working extra hours and taking an Excel class -- and start digging up dirt on your colleagues. You never know when you’ll need a pile of manure to shovel onto a workmate who’s trying to screw you over. It’s similar to the Assured Mutual Destruction philosophy of the Cold War. Let everybody else know that if you go down, you’re taking them with you.
  • There are only a few places a fat guy can look cool: in bowling alley, on a motorcycle, or at a belly flop contest.

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