Random stuff

What do you call a girl who masturbates on the top of a building? Diddler-On-The-Roof.

Managers use a 3-step process for conflict resolution: 1) gather all pertinent facts. 2) analyze the facts fairly, objectively and with disinterest. 3) arrive at whatever conclusion best covers your own ass and/or spares you the biggest headache.

I keep hearing women say that they like the “bad-boy image.” If that’s the case, how come my dates never liked it when I played with my food at dinner? Or soiled my diapers?

I read in the news that 40% of Mexicans want to live in America. The other 60% want to immigrate here illegally.

Penis: Nature’s natural thermometer.

I hate those people who remind me that it’s “whom,” not “who.” I like to respond by asking them, “Hey, guess WHOM I’m going to kick in the crotch?”

If flies have 200 eyes, why can’t they see they’re standing on a pile of turds?

Everybody knows that Jesus turned water into wine. But few people know that He also made a killer Bathtub Margarita.

What’s the worst thing you can say to a blind man with no legs? “You got to learn to look before you leap.”

A girl goes to her gynecologist and says, “Hey, I need an operation on my vagina. Can you do it? The gynecologist replies, “Sure, I’ve been told I can cut a rug.”

A penis is like an antenna: the longer it is, the more likely it’ll pick something up.

Here’s a little-known physics fact: you can create a black hole by mixing equal parts Viagra and saltpeter.

If nobody judged a book by its cover, they’d never sell any books.

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