8/08/2005

Soft Porne falls on hard times

The Internet has enriched our lives. It's spoiled some things, too. It’s slowly bleeding the romance out of life. For example, e-Bay is driving local flea markets out of business? Who wants to rub elbows with tattoos and tube-tops in the hot sun when you can bid on old Lynard Skynard albums and bogus handbags from the comfort of you home computer? The music industry, too, has felt the pinch of the Internet now that every college kid in America is loading his hard drive full of free MP3s. And the dating scene is unrecognizable. Who goes to bars anymore? A couple of martinis and an “Internet Adult ‘Friend-Finder’” and you never have to leave the house. Or you can use OsBasso's HNT. Either way.

But no industry has withered in the Internet age more than the soft-porn industry.

Soft-porn had its heyday in the 1980s, when premium cable channels featured it during late-night viewing, much to the delight of adolescent boys with converter boxes in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Do you remember all those soft-porn movies on Cinemax? If you were like me, you spent your evenings sifting through B-grade cinematic crap because you knew that 49 minutes into the film, you got to see the side of a naked breast for 3 seconds during a simulated sex scene between the pizza guy and the lonely housewife. If you were ambitious -- again, like me -- you'd Betamax the movie and then work the pause button, hoping the line of interference didn't cover the good stuff. Fine memories. Back then you had to work for your porn.

But now we have the Internet. Two mouse clicks and you're looking up some European co-ed's whisker biscuit through a “vagina-cam.” And you don’t have to wait 49 minute for the nude scene. “No plot -- just twat.” That's the motto. Hey, I think I just stumbled on a great name for a website! Don’t you think? Anyway, Internet porn is all the rage. It’s pure, undiluted and addictive. It makes those old Cinemax movies look like Nick-at-Night.

The Internet did to porn what Wal-mart did to housewares: it put it all in one place, easy to find, and affordable to everyone who can afford a single-wide trailer. And that makes soft-porn the mom-and-pop-shops that are fading away. Good bye, soft-core. I'd wipe the tears from my eyes, but all I have is my old jism rag.

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