8/26/2005

Weekend appetizers

I hate when you’re dying of thirst. You find a drinking fountain. You press the button and a stream of water dribbles 2 millimeters from the spigot. Then you’ve got to give the thing a hummer just to hydrate yourself. Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhlurp! Everybody hears what you’re doing. Some wiseass passes by and says, “work that nozzle, Monica.”

One day my boss didn’t like my attitude and warned me, “Bug’s Butt, straighten up or I’LL HAVE YOUR JOB.” I replied, “OK, but I’m not sure you’d want it. The pay sucks and the boss is a consummate asshole.

I don’t believe in racial reparations. But not because the idea lacks merit. It’s because it doesn’t go far enough! After all, should we really be let off the hook for cutting a check? That’s a dangerous precedent. Then, every rich fat cat tycoon could cut a check every time he got caught with his hand up his company’s financial skirt. That’s not justice! It’s bribery. If blacks really want justice, and whites really want to make amends, why don’t we become their slaves for a few hundred years? Fair’s fair, after all. We could do their accounting and stuff.

Rum and cola go together like cruise control and road head. In fact, all four of those things mix nicely on I-8.

When Hollywood stars honor their promises at the altar, I believe their assurances of global warming. Until then, I think both “commitments” are just for show.

Sometimes idiocy can fall down the line like dominoes. You know the idiot who parks his car over the line? The problem is, the empty space his car invades is the only space left. So you take it. Compensating for the idiot’s parking job, you park too far to the other side. Guess what happens next? Idiot drives away, leaving you looking like the original idiot, not merely a victim of his idiocy. The next guy parks next to you in the same manner and thinks you an idiot. And so it goes. One idiot makes jerks of the rest of us.

Many self-help gurus encourage us to ask “what if?” I ask “what if?” all the time. And let me assure you it’s not the key to my success, but the foundation of my neurosis. “What if they fire me for this?” “What if my back goes out?” “What if they never stop making new reality TV shows?” “What if my vasectomy spontaneously reverses and the wife catches a bun in the oven?” “What if it doesn’t and she gets pregnant anyway?” It think a far more productive question to ask oneself is “who cares?” Or maybe “who can I blame?

You have to wonder how anybody took a leak, popped a boner, shook depression, kept a healthy heart, maintained strong bones or purged their sinuses of boogers before Merck incorporated!

How do trees know which way is up? How do carrots know which way is down? How do hermaphrodites know which restroom to use?

If the bank can take your house away when you don't make the mortgage, why can't you take the bank away when they short your account?

No comments: