9/19/2005

100% Angus BS

Grocers and restaurants advertise where their beef is raised -- and even what it ate before it went to the slaughterhouse.

“100% Angus beef, corn-fed, aged for 14 days, aerobized and massaged daily at the local health spa.”

Big whoop! I don't care where my cow grew up or what it liked to eat. It's bad enough I have to listen to my dates' life stories. Now I have to show an interest in the piece of meat on my plate, too? Hey, I don’t care what you slaughtered. Just serve me up a steak!

We justify eating animals by claiming we're more evolved, more sophisticated beings. I agree. Do you believe that if lions, bears and wolverines were smarter than we that they’d respect our “right to life?” Hell, no. What good is evolving upward on the food chain if you can't eat the poor, dumb species you climbed over? But we should be careful with that logic, because one day aliens who are more evolved and sophisticated than us might deem us a delicacy. If that ever happens, I hope people who grew up in the Midwest aren't considered “premium, choice-cut human.” I hope instead that the aliens prefer those fit, lean, golden-brown people on the West coast. Put those people on the menu. “Tonight's special: California-raised, vegetarian, hi-colonic Human baked golden-brown served with fruit.”

39 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You mean, of course, "served BY fruit."

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Yep. My Dad used to say, "All the fruits and nuts go to California." That Daddy.

'Course I think Texas beef will be the prime cut for aliens. 'Cuz they are so full of bull.

grace said...

MMM. beef...

yeah. i don't really care about what happened to it. i mean... it all looks the same comin' out, right? heh.

nongirlfriend said...

You have to have fruit when you eat a Californian.

For Texans, though, I think pico de gallo is a requisite. I'll try one and let you know if I'm right.

Bennet said...

Funny Bug, I've had much the same ideas.

Lots of fiber in the Californians.
Quite good for clearing any constipation.

Molicious said...

Although I would think Californians would be pretty toxic what with all the silicone and botox running through their bodies and the shit for their brains. The aliens better watch out.

aughra said...

yum.

You'd eat me. I just know it.

PlatinumGirl said...

This Californian thinks starting in California would be a bad idea. I think they should start in Idaho, where all the meat is already full of potatoes. Or Wisconsin, where they're all stuffed with cheese.

Bobby said...

I bought eggs that were advertised as layed by vegetarian chickens.

Why the hell would I care if the chickens were vegetarian? I'm not.

Chad said...

All chickens are vegetarian.

What a marketing ploy!

Take it from this Texan, who's raised chickens, there are no carnivorous chickens.

I could probably stomach a Californian or two. Bet they taste better than condor or those spotted owls.

nongirlfriend said...

Texans taste just like chicken.

nongirlfriend said...

Being born and raised here, I should know...

Oh great One said...

Don't forget the nuts! Serve up the Californians with fruit AND nuts...Wait...Californians are nuts. Never mind. Carry on.

CaCaBoy said...

I think Kansas makes the best meat for eating. I should know, OGO's from there!

KelBel said...

Shit...I'd be the hotdog of the human meat. Sadly, like we still eat hotdogs, I'd be alien junkfood.

dawn said...

We're all anorexic out here. Not enough meat on our bones to feed an alien.

Toni said...

Aliens would not want to eat Californian athletic vegans because their meat would be too tough. It'd be like trying to chew on leather. Nah, they'd go straight to Texas, where all the big, juicy people are.

Latigo Flint said...

Let me be the end of your rainbow Bug.

(Oops, where the hell did that come from?!)

Edna B said...

Yeah, I dont mind what they feed the cows, as long as its not this:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9160632/
mmmm yummeee

Anonymous said...

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

Let's see, fry me up a nice flank steak. Oh, maybe a filet Hu-man. Har har.

Alice

Weary Hag said...

Yeah but you know what they say about us New Yorkers right? "Eat 'New York' and you'll never want pork."

I can hear the aliens now, bug ...
"That NY prime is tough but tasty - bites you back the whole way through but man, if you can get used to that, it's worth it."

Alien commercial slogans:
"Jersey causes scurvy"
"Texas kicks the solar plexus"
"The more 'New York' the meat, the sweeter the treat"

Okay, I'll stop.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I am the bacon at the alien equivalant of "Denny's".

But at least I'm tasty. :)

Blond Girl said...

Your (once again) excellent post reminds me of two things:

1. On our honeymoon, Champs and I walked around this quaint little town all day, smelling these great wafts of grilled meat. We followed our noses and finally found this little steakhouse and asked the hostess if this was the place we'd been smelling all day. She said yuep! and I said "Great! Bring us a dead cow!" It's been a line of ours ever since.

2. When my sister turned 40, I gave her this card that said "Monsters turning 40". It showed 2 Godzilla-type monsters standing over a city. One monster said, "Let's not eat Mexico tonight" and the other said "Yeah, it burns twice as much coming out as it does going in!"

I imagine all the aliens with tempermental tummies will stick to us corn-fed midwesterners and the adventurous ones will head to the west coast...

Blond Girl said...

Your (once again) excellent post reminds me of two things:

1. On our honeymoon, Champs and I walked around this quaint little town all day, smelling these great wafts of grilled meat. We followed our noses and finally found this little steakhouse and asked the hostess if this was the place we'd been smelling all day. She said yuep! and I said "Great! Bring us a dead cow!" It's been a line of ours ever since.

2. When my sister turned 40, I gave her this card that said "Monsters turning 40". It showed 2 Godzilla-type monsters standing over a city. One monster said, "Let's not eat Mexico tonight" and the other said "Yeah, it burns twice as much coming out as it does going in!"

I imagine all the aliens with tempermental tummies will stick to us corn-fed midwesterners and the adventurous ones will head to the west coast...

Mellissa said...

This sort of reminds me of the Kobe beef thing where the cows are so well taken care of that the steak is like $200 dollars and up.

I will just go to Outback and get a regular old steak - I don't care if it is prime, just fresh and cooked the way I like it.

Mellissa

Blond Girl said...

Your (once again) excellent post reminds me of two things:

1. On our honeymoon, Champs and I walked around this quaint little town all day, smelling these great wafts of grilled meat. We followed our noses and finally found this little steakhouse and asked the hostess if this was the place we'd been smelling all day. She said yuep! and I said "Great! Bring us a dead cow!" It's been a line of ours ever since.

2. When my sister turned 40, I gave her this card that said "Monsters turning 40". It showed 2 Godzilla-type monsters standing over a city. One monster said, "Let's not eat Mexico tonight" and the other said "Yeah, it burns twice as much coming out as it does going in!"

I imagine all the aliens with tempermental tummies will stick to us corn-fed midwesterners and the adventurous ones will head to the west coast...

High Desert Diva said...

It matters! It matters! Prime tastes gooood! If you can find a silicon free Californian, they probably WOULD taste better than a New Yorker...and the human would be roasted, NOT baked dammit!!

NWJR said...

You are what you eat. That's why I avoid fruits and nuts.

sCruuw said...

I so agree..Those Aliens better stay off the east coast too! Much pollution here ya know..I wouldn't be good at all!

Dave Morris said...

It would be funny if the aliens began in Mexico. Nothing like the burning mouth, gurgling guts and case of the red-ass that good spicy mexicans would give you.

Riss said...

I'm safe, they won't want to begin in Jersey City. It'd be like starting your gourmet meal with a mouthful of crackurine. I don't know what that is but it seems to describe Jersey City.

Rob Seifert said...

Reading your post with visions of an antenna'd Hanibal Lector dancing through my head. Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

Grocery stores sell crap steak and beef products these days for many reasons from cows grown to maturity via steroids in 7-10mos in a crap filled feed lot (tons of antibiotics makes this possible) and slaughtered via chainsaw in a slaughterhouse that's open 24/7 (no time for cleaning)to the injection of water and dyes - after all, it's sold by the pound.

I much prefer a steak from a cow raised and matured naturally and slaughtered in a relatively clean environment, with no dyes or water injected and aged to perfection - Steaks like Dad used to be able to buy from the grocery and cook on Sunday evening. Of course, I may be overly picky about my moo-moo...

RCS

Pirate said...

I was once told by someone that beef is proof that God wanted us to eat meat. He told me if the cow had not been domesticated how in the hell would it survive in the wild? Unless it is in India it probably would have been all of the animal kingdom's meal.

Anti-Blogger said...

I will take it as a compliment to be eaten by such a superior species.

Edgy Mama said...

What? You don't want my life story? Okay, straight to the good stuff then.

Spirit Of Owl said...

UK chickens eat meat. At least, some of the chickens I know do, but I guess it depends where you hang out. In a slaughterhouse of 10 million chickens, everyone's got a story.

As for aliens, well, hefty LOTRs director Peter Jackson cut his directing teeth on the 1987 cult classic Bad Taste, where indeed humans are farmed for an intergalactic fast food chain. (PJ also stars in the movie as a near skinny dork. He has clearly discovered the joys of eating since those days.)

Jennifer said...

This post jsut reminds me of that scene in "Restaurant at the End of the Universe" (Hitchhiker's guide sequel) where the cow comes out at the restaurant and asks them which part of himself that the diners would like. It's an awesome scene!!! I think it would be a cool Punk'd episode to do somethign like that in California: bring out a live cow and ask the diner what sectioun of the animal they want to eat.

Lyvvie said...

I would be cake. And you can stick your finger in my frosting first.


I don't like beef...It's farmed to blandness now. there's no taste at all.

I'd think those fit, lean golden-brown people would be a bit gamey. Like rabbit.

Ari said...

To Serve Man indeed.