9/26/2005

Brainstorming

  • I wonder about people with the “Free Tibet” and “End Apartheid” bumper stickers. “Liberate The Congo.” I’m skeptical of hand-wringers who fret over places 10,000 miles away. They don’t even care about their own cars. When’s the last time you washed that thing? Yeah, you’re worried about a drought in Central Africa but you can’t clean the ass-marks off your hood. Hey buddy, if you want to liberate something, start with the food particles between your teeth, or those 3-week-old, funky-ass dreadlocks.
  • People like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton never really annoyed me. But then again, it might be because I only give what they say three-fifths of my attention.
  • Wouldn’t it be nice if it turned out your purpose in life is contemplating what your purpose was? I don’t believe one’s purpose is so hard to find. The problem is, none of us is prepared to discover how lame it is. Sure some people are here to discover a new planet, develop a new vaccine, or lead a country from despair to prosperity. But most of us are here to gain weight, work menial jobs, watch reality TV shows and die early. Think about it. Most great people in history discovered their calling very early in life. Whatever you’re doing right now, guess what. That’s your purpose. It’s much like those people who believe in reincarnation and who also insist they were somebody important and admireable. But you don’t hear anybody say, “Yeah, in my past life, I was Caligula -- either him or the Nazi who captured Anne Frank. I’m not sure which.”
  • My 2nd grade teacher used to ridicule us students when we copied each other. She’d recite: “Monkey see, monkey do.” She said it all the time, in a condescending tone. Contemptuous. One day I worked up the courage to add to her saying. She said “monkey see, monkey do,” to which I replied “scratch my balls, fling my poo.” How’s that for original thought, teach? Is that independent-minded enough for you? Cunt.
  • Here’s the difference between childhood and adulthood: Childhood is all about choosing what you like most. Ice cream or cake, a bike ride or rollerskates, Barney or Sponge Bob. But as an adult, you have to ask yourself what sucks the least. “Which career field will suck the least, yet still pay my stinking bills?” “Which of these lovely ladies will be least likely to be named on a restraining order?” “Which bill collector will let me slide another month before submitting my account to collections?”
  • Grey hair and wrinkles make a man look distinguished, but rust and bald tires make a car look old. It’s a man’s world.
  • Have you ever been eating food so good that you suddenly wish you had two stomachs? Or maybe a valve that could divert the food away from your belly and through an escape hatch. Some food tastes so good, I want to eat it alone. I don’t want anybody around who might talk to me and interrupt the mouth-loading process. Don’t talk to me. I’ve got a bucket of bite-sized cream puffs. Vocal communication will reduce throughput by 30%.
  • Why doesn’t the government give poor people lottery tickets instead of welfare checks? Why not fix the problem once in a while? Or at least cut out the middle-man at the Circle K.
  • I like that bumpersticker that reads “I’d rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.” First of all, you’d probably have to. But back to my point: That’s some brand loyalty there! I wonder if they feel the same way about condoms. “I’d rather knock her up than use a Trojan.”

31 comments:

Spinning Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Spinning Girl said...

Fabulous!

I set my alarm so I could be the first one to comment here. I win!

I think our purpose is just to eat the food, drink the water and breathe the air, and laeve a little pile behind. I'm managing quite well.

tornwordo said...

I think our purpose is just to laugh. Something we can all be good at.

I love it when you say cunt.

Heather said...

Your purpose is to make me laugh. On the days you don't post, I still get to laugh because I am reading your book!

And I don't like to be interrupted when I am eating really good chips and salsa!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

So since I've gained weight, worked MANY menial jobs, watched lots of reality TV, you're saying the only thing I have left to do now is die???

FINALLY...some peace and quiet!

Weary Hag said...

You're exactly right about the whole purpose of life bit. It's like the old Ben Hur and Spartacus type movies; there was ONE hero and a million extras. They couldn't really have a movie without the extras, yet nobody really listened to them or noticed them as individuals. You know, like most of us.
I'm okay with being an 'extra' in the film of life; I figure at least I got a role.

nongirlfriend said...

My purpose in life is to eat CHEESE, drink vodka, complain about my Food Baby and love on my dogs. I've found it all right. That's why I'm so balanced and fulfilled.

KFarmer said...

as usual Bug your comments are right on time and pasted a goofy grin on my face. That must be your purpose in life.

Received your book and now I wish I had ordered more for friends. Job well done Buggy Butt-

aughra said...

3/5 of your attention?

I spit coffee on that.

Thanks.

Lyvvie said...

I get aroused by the thought of eating bite-sized cream puffs, alone for the pure sake of gluttonous pleasure.

And not have to share...you forgot that part...no sharing. MineMineMine.

I do this with frozen snickers bars. I hide them in the freezer and wait until everyone's gone to bed and eat them all by myself.


I'm Such a Bitch.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This site requires far too much nodding "yes," and saying, "Right on." Can't you just now and then gimme something where I can say, "I don't THINK go, buttwipe"?

Dave Morris said...

I'm with tornwordo, you are my proxy for the C word. I have been so conditioned to avoid that word, that sometimes just to feel the hair stand up on my arms, I say it out loud around the house when nobody's here. It makes me feel like I did as a kid when I masturbated when nobody was home... just glad to be doing it and KNOWING I wouldn't get caught.

kcterrilynn said...

The inside of you head must be a fun place to visit...do you sell cotton candy in there?

Anonymous said...

Ah..nice to see you are still brainstorming buggy-butt!

~k~

Pirate said...

You are the king Bug. All points to ponder and agree. I liked your Jesse and Al comment. It will be awhile bedfore they figure it out and man you will get what W is getting.

Blog ho said...

i'm depressed.

Teaspoon said...

See I always found that funny about reincarnation too. I believe in it I like six lifetimes ago I was Manuel Sanchez, a poor spanish immigrant that somehow got lost in Africa where I fell in love with a female giraffe. I would rather not talk about it anymore, but she had a beautiful neck.

Amandarama said...

Excellent point about the Trojans.

NWJR said...

My purpose in life is to comment on blogs in a desperate attempt to get more traffic on my own.

Oh, and to eat crunchy cheese snacks.

That's all.

CaCaBoy said...

9 out of 10 cars w/ those bumper stickers ARE the biggest pile of crap! Not to mention they are usually fogging the road with whatever the hell color smoke that is pouring out the section of exhaust where the muffler USE to be! Why not a bumper sticker that really says what we are thinking...

Keep honking, I'm reloading!

Now that's a classic!

Latigo Flint said...

I read an insightful bumper sticker once.

I was six.

Bennet said...

Heheheheheeee..

Bug, you're always dependable for a good laugh.

I don't know which to comment on. I agree with everything.

I think perhaps my purpose in life is to be melted into crude oil and refined for future evolved living beingings ...sort of like what the dinosaurs are to us.

Riss said...

Hysterical!!!!

I've always wondered about people who dwell on their purpose in life. Is it me or is purpose overrated?

Currently my purpose is to try and get my name on a joke in a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

Sharon said...

I do, I say I was Caligula in a past life all the time. I think that's the only explanation for the vale of tears I'm forced to lead now.

Juliabohemian said...

while you're a little extreme, I agree with your general concept. I have children, so I rarely get to eat food without an audience. Sometimes, if I really want to enjoy something, I hide with it.

I also think you're right about us finding our purpose in life. Some people just aren't ready to find out that all they were meant to do was be a dog catcher or a elevator repairman. It's that need to keep spinning the wheel in hopes of getting something better that compromises the quality of what they already have.

Oh great One said...

I adore you LBB!

poopie said...

Well shit. You mean this is what it's all about???? Hmm. I better start partyin' nekkid more often.

gusgreeper said...

grey hair rocks. but you do have to know HOW to rock it. oh and monkey see, monkey poo.

tabitha jane said...

and my dreads aren't nasty.

Mona said...

As always, you kill me. I lost it on scratch my balls, fling my poo. What a great moment.

As far as our purpose goes? I feel that the important thing is not the level or value of the purpose (good or bad, high or low) but that we at least feel it, or find some meaning in it. ANY meaning. Even if it is menial.

Great, great points, Bug. I've been out of the loop for awhile and it's good to be back again.

grace said...

very rarely do you really make me gasp. hehe... good job.