9/16/2005

Cowboy bar tenderfoot

A bit on that absurd piece of Americana, the cowboy bar.

Cowboy bars are basically masquerade parties where everybody chooses the same outfit. Oops.

When I see a 41-year-old cell phone salesman pop out of his leased BMW in a cowboy hat, boots and Wrangler blue jeans, it reaffirms the notion that men will do anything to get laid, no matter how dumb it appears to onlookers.

Pretending to be something you're not (to get laid) can be an honorable tradition. I understand this tactic and subscribe to it. But something about cowboy bars offends my sensibilities as a realist. I'm willing to exaggerate my salary or suck in my gut when I talk to a lady, but I refuse to play cowboy. That and playing doctor. You've got to leave those behind with childhood. After all, you wouldn't go to a cops-and-robbers bar, or a hide-and-go-seek lounge. Would you? And consider this, if a bar is chock full of cowboys, wouldn’t it make sense for a few of us to come as Indians -- just to complete the motif? And every bar has the police show up eventually. Throw in a construction worker and you’ve got yourself a Village People tribute band. Pretty gay. But I digress.

Cowboy bars are pathetic clearinghouses of archaic, macho bullshit. Frankly, it's embarrassing to listen to a guy in full cowboy garb affect a southern twang and fake chivalry in the presence of a barfly in a tube top. This is the 21st century; there are no cowboys! We don't drive cattle across the desert plane. We drive hummers with mini-plasma TVs across town to the salon for a manicure and hi-colonic. Who are you trying to fool, Tex? I hope you accidentally two-step your genitals into a branding iron, tenderfoot.

If I'm going to a masquerade party, I'll do it in style. I'll sling a longbow around my shoulder and squeeze into a pair of tights showcasing my bulge and present myself as Shakespearian nobility. Why only go back 120 years?

39 comments:

Nettie said...

But weren't police part of the Old West, that fits.

Blond Girl said...

You know, I just can't imagine you in a 10 gallon hat. Glad you're back; I missed you!

CaCaBoy said...

I agree whole heartedly. I also despise the R.U.B.'s of today. Rich Urban Bikers. You know the ones, they show up to bike rally's with their "hogs" in a trailer, and then make the gruelling 2 1/4 mile drive from their posh hotel to the rally area. Make the 800 mile drive ON your bike, Kip! You remind me of the kids I grew up with that carried their skateboards everywhere, or just pumped it down the street. Do a freakin' Olly or a tail grind you sorry ass poser!

Tish said...

Hahaha! You should visit Cotton Eyed Joe's out here! *LOL* I don't do the whole cowboy/cowgirl thing, but I do think it's a fun place to visit every now and then. I enjoy line dancing! However, contrary to popular belief, CEJ's plays much more than just country music. They do have more than their fair share of guys in Wranglers, cowboy boots, and 10 gallon hats though! I have learned to stay away from the men in that place! Actually, I stay away from men in bars altogether. Nothing but trouble! hehe.

KelBel said...

I hate cowboy bars. Please...

Patsy Darling said...

I'm so holding you to the tights thing. I want pictures of Bug Butt in tights showcasing a bulge. Hehe.
Thank god I live in Jersey and there are no hilbilly, sorry cowboy bars for several states.

Lucy Stern said...

If you are in Chicago, New York, or Houston, the cowboy bar is a farce. If you live in Odessa, TX or Somewhere in New Mexico, I might believe in a cowboy bar. I have seen true cowboys.

Anonymous said...

And now, the cowboy channel...all the cowboys, all the time.

Yippe ki yay, git along lil doggies.

As I wasa walkin the streets of Laredo...his hat was thrown back and his spurs were a jingling...

I spied a young cowboy all wrapped in white linen...so bang the drum slowly and play the fife lowly...

Waitaminute...playing doctor can be fun.

Y M C A....young man, young man, there's no need to get down...

And that's the latest and greatest from the cowboy bar...

Alice the cowgirl signing off Yippe ki yay

lilly05 said...

Damn LBB, you touchin on a tender subject? *snif* *chuckle* Thanks for the much needed laugh and my new found reasons for not going to Country-Western bars.

tornwordo said...

Have you ever noticed the strut and swagger of an old cowboy is remarkably similar to the boom-box toting home boy festooned with gold chains?

Oh, and Hide and Go Seek lounges exist. They're called bathhouses.

Spinning Girl said...

Not to mention cow work is hard work, and most real cowboys never had beerguts or flabby cans.

Sharon said...

wow, I've never been in a cowboy bar, and I'm Southern. What are those? Wait, it's what we have on main street. though we don't call it a cowboy bar. I guess no one realized. Around here you have to have a mustache just to get in. Otherwise you pay the cover.

Weary Hag said...

It's so refreshing to see that someone has finally been 'spurred' into posting about this preposterous concept.

The line dancing bit is nothing short of the old "bus stop" and "continental" disco dance or the electric slide set to twang music.

Thank you LBB for so eloquently pointing out all that bull.

nongirlfriend said...

Tornwordo is right. I'm laughing my ass off at his comment.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think I can visualize you there as... uh.... yes! The Sheriff of Nottingham, bumble dicking around, hoping to catch Friar Tuck flashing somebody, or Robin Hood buying a round of booze at the local cowboy bar....

Cheryl said...

I'm not very often that grateful to live in the UK, but thanks for one good reason!

sCruuw said...

Can I get an invite to your masquerade party? I want pics of that!

Blonde said...

You are so right! I took a guy to a Halloween party and made him dress like a Caveman (to match my skimpy cave woman costume) and he did this with the hope of getting laid. Unfortunately, I got stoned with a guy dressed as a tampon and at the end of the night, he is the one that got lucky ;).

I would like to see a pic of you in your Halloween costume for HNT. Us diehard readers deserve a peek at your attributes.

Myssa said...

Now, I don't know about y'all, but a "Hide-and-seek" or "cops-and-robbers" bar sounds like fun! Why *shouldn't* we re-live bits of our childhood? The world is too serious of a place once you cross that adult threshold. Who ever said I wanted to grow up?

Lyvvie said...

Ahhhh....Scotland. Where you go to a bar to get drunk.

And no Cowboys.

I really want to go to a cops and robbers bar. Sounds kinky.

Amandarama said...

Bars should be dark and the people should be there to drink. Getting hit on by some guy playing pretend in order to try and get laid cuts into my drinking time. If you're dressing up in a role to get laid, you should go to go find a LARP or a science fiction and comic book convention to participate in and leave the drinking in bars to us serious folks. If a cowboy hits on me, he better be for real and he better be prepared to see if he can do more shots than me and still walk out of there. Otherwise, he's going to wake up passed out in a pool of his own vomit and find I've scrawled "Git Along Little Doggie" on his forehead with a Sharpie.

Heather said...

Since I live in Odessa, Texas, I agree with Lucy Stern (above)

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Never been to a cowboy bar, so I dunno anything about them. Most guys will do just about anything to get laid. To each his own.

But dirt, sweat, and bull shit on the boots and coming out of the mouth don't appeal to me, so I'd rather try the cop bar. I do love a man in a uniform. OH! Hold on there! Can I have an Air Force Pilot's bar instead?

nongirlfriend said...

How did I miss your HNT?

Edgy Mama said...

I don't get the cowboy romance shit either. I mean what cowboys basically do is babysit the dumbest animals on earth. What's sexy about that?

Myssa said...

Hehehe Tanlucypez - they have those, on bases, they're called the officers clubs! ;)

poopie said...

Cowboys ain't cool in my book..I'll take you in tights any day!

NYCbeauty said...

Oh my god...when I lived in Tucson for two years, I did go to one cowboy bar...twice. Once for someone's birthday, once for a concert (that sucked) and you are SO RIGHT. As an east coaster, I was just dying, AND wearing my east coast clothing. My friends were into checking out "Wrangler Ass."

NWJR said...

That's why I laugh whenever I see our fake president on his fake ranch pretending to clear brush.

Julie said...

Very great as usual!! I got my unrequited middle school love as a date later in love, who was actually quite wealthy, but still a LIAR and said he was a pilot and former minor league ball player to impress me, some men stop at nothing to impress a lady, when he just had me at 'HELLO" b/c he was my middle school crush!!
Anyway, the post I was talking about was when a guy thinks he might get laid by a girl...

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Nothing says "How you doin'?" like a nice snug pair of tights.

Yum...;)

Nölff said...

Why don't we have any Pirate bars? Seems fair. Why cowboys and not Pirates?

Pirate said...

nolff, I am all for the Pirate bar. Bug, I have went to a few of these over the years on invites and I have had the same thought. Plus those damn boots look faggy to me anyway.

Megan said...

Perhaps the charade would be more convincing if they had ever seen a cow in their life. Do you suppose they would be allowed to bring a cow into a bar? As "proof"?

tabitha jane said...

there is a cowboy bar here that has some yummy drinks . . . we used to dress up like we were straight out of the 80's a go there on ladies night for drinks. it was pretty funny. there were all these cowboys watching girls ride the machanical bull and us with our blue eyeshadow, tapered jeans and big hair at the bar drinking . . .

Lizabeth said...

i see you set down your beer (PBR of course) got off the porch at your double wide in the desert just long enough to visit a cowboy bar, i bet you don't even have to dress up to fit in do ya?

Kyahgirl said...

*whispers*
You really must slip up to Alberta. There ARE cowboys. They live here.

Eunice said...

Here in Colorado, we have four words for what you just described:

Wednesday nights at Stampede.

Rob Seifert said...
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