9/07/2005

Grade Point Averages... merely average?

Every once it a while you read about a study in the business news section that unearths a dirty little secret about successful CEOs: They didn’t do that well in college! Many were merely average. Some dropped out and others never even attended. I just read a study that found the average college GPA of a CEO is a C-minus! Gasp! That’s George-W-Bush dumb (and if you think about it, he’s just the CEO of America).

Of course the implication is, college isn’t that important. You might not need a college degree at all. And if you do go, don’t put too much stock into your academic performance. It’s a dismal prognosticator of your future success in business.

I call bullshit. There’s an important nuance that these studies fail to consider. If you got a C-minus average because you spent your college years running a company out of your garage designing a revolutionary computer chip, or an alternative-fuel automobile, or a room-temperature superconductor, then yeah -- you’re going to be a future Wall Street rock star.

If, however, you earned a C-minus average because you were doing keg-stands and bong hits at Sigma-Krappa-Chi and sleeping until noon every day of the week in a puddle of your own bodily humors, then you’d better hope daddy owns his own company. Or, be prepared to give the boss a “Monica” under the desk. Otherwise, get ready to dive into the pool of millions with next-to-worthless college degrees and no ambition beyond weekend drinking binges and Karaoke Night at the local titty bar.

I don’t dismiss college educations as worthless pieces of paper. Nor do I believe a degree is the ticket to success. Let’s be rational. Here’s what a college education will likely do for you: allow you be a salaried gopher weasel instead of just a clock-punching gopher schmuck. And that’s not a bad deal for 4-5 years of Humanities papers and chemistry labs. At least there’s a demographic of society college graduates can look down on -- clock-punchers. Vile creatures, those clock-punchers. Working-class rubes. The most productive thing clock-punchers do is vote for an American Idol. Clock-punchers are the ones keeping the Hamburger Helper makers in business. They’re the kind of people with life-sized nativity scenes in their yards at Christmastime -- with a Lynard Skynard soundtrack! Honestly, people. Isn’t there a NASCAR race you should be shirtless at?

But the high-school grads may indeed get the last laugh. They may ask, “Hey, how’s that student loan going? You ass-kissing, middle management, BMW-leasing GOFER! I’m already looking forward to your next stress-induced heart attack. Don‘t you have a cocktail party at which you’ll drown your soulless body with martinis at?”

Don’t let statistical studies dissuade you from college, and don’t let college recruiters hoodwink you with “proof” that college graduates make more money. They’re both full of crap. If you really want to succeed, lower your standards until it’s impossible to fail. What is success, after all, but fulfilling your goals? Who says your goals have to be lofty? My goal is to drink a lot of diet soda, eat a lot of burgers and sit on my ass watching TV. Mission accomplished!

11 comments:

sCruuw said...

what up with your blog?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm switching back to Blogger's comments. Halo's pissing me off. Lost my freggin' PW. Not me -- them!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Luckily I was able to salvage The FONZ pic.

Riss said...

Sorry I got stuck on the phrase "Karaoke night at the local titty bar." They have karaoke at titty bars in Arizona? Because it might just be fun to watch a stripper get down to my rendition of "Baby Got Back."

Toni said...

"My goal is to drink a lot of diet soda, eat a lot of burgers and sit on my ass watching TV."

Diet soda??? What the hell? I had you pegged for a regular Coke man.

Lizabeth said...

i did the college thing and loved it, i agree with you though, I don't think I needed that paper to get where I am now, but I think its all about what you learn in the atmosphere and not in the classes. Besides how to bong beer and be a great lay (of course!), but the social skills that help with networking, etc. I would redo it all over again.

Lizabeth said...

oh yeah and yes I HATE the "BMW" worth of loans I'm trying to pay off, thats a load of crock.

As always... Rachael said...

Shit hell fuck damn... I KNOW I commented here last night! Is haloscan to blame? Or do you hate me? I am going to blame haloscan as a working theory... until you tell me otherwise.

I forget my comment... and the beer isn't helping me remember!

Whatever I said, it was insightful and funny... I assure you!

Rell said...

seriously diet soda? You need to get some Mountain Dew man. Sweet nector of the gods...

Nölff said...

I did great in school. I just can't handle the responsibility of being a CEO.

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