9/12/2005

A hurricane by any other name

I don’t know who’s naming our hurricanes, but they should try harder. Hurricanes can kick your ass. They’re the Samuel L. Jackson of atmospheric phenomena. They’re Shaft after he “befriends” the white woman and learns his trusted detective at the precinct just got clipped. Shaft! Hurricanes are that tough. And it stands to reason hurricanes are tough SOBs; they usually originate around Puerto Rico. And we all know how well Puerto Ricans fight! I’d rather douse myself in steak sauce and wrestle with Cujo than trade blows with a Puerto Rican -- even one half my size, which many are.

But back to hurricanes, we don’t name them appropriately. Consider the two most damaging in our recent past: “Katrina” and “Andrew.” Katrina and Andrew? That sounds like the yuppie couple who live in a Manhattan condo and tell everybody how Feng Shui changed their lives. No wonder nobody evacuated when they had the chance. Would you flee from Katrina and Andrew? I know I wouldn’t sweat it -- unless I had to attend their cocktail party fundraiser for Hillary. Incidentally, I think Hillary is a fine name for a hurricane. That name horrifies me.

Katrina and Andrew hurled lightning, dumped oceans and blew thunder onto our cities, exacted billions in property damage and left wakes of carnage in their paths. It looked like a whole gang of Puerto Ricans ripped through town after attending a rum-fueled cockfight. We do the public a disservice when we name our hurricanes after Ivy League pussies from New England. What’s next? Hurricane “Sol?” Hurricane “Eugene.” Run! Hurricane Eugene is coming. His mighty winds will disorganize your federal income tax documents just before April 15th!

How about “Hurricane Bruce?” “Hurricane Stretch?” “Hurricane Clint?” Something macho like that. Let people know they need to get the hell out of the way. I don’t know about you, but I’d change zip codes in a hurry if my city were expecting Hurricane Duke. I’d be scratching at the door like Kobe’s hotel dates (I know. I've used that one before. I just love it!). Let me the hell outta here!

Have you been following the politics swirling around Hurricane Katrina? Evidently, racism played a part in the destruction and loss of life. Yeah. Lo and behold, even hurricanes are racist! I don’t want to get controversial, but I have to ask. If hurricanes (and the Republicans who create them!) are racist, why don’t they head for the coast of Africa? That seems like a target-rich environment, as long as you avoid the South Side. Seriously, why would a racist hurricane target New Orleans? Applying the logic of political pundits, one could assert Hurricane Katrina is prejudice against crawdads, or drunk college co-eds with no bras! It doesn’t follow, people.

In conclusion, we should give tough-guy names to hurricanes. Puerto Ricans know how to fight and crawdads and sleazy co-eds need to go back to Mississippi.

51 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

Ohh, LBB, you tickle me. Even nerds like me like their brains tickled sometimes.

Edgy Mama said...

I'm with you on the names. How about Hurricane Medusa--or Hurricane Goliath? Actually, Hugo was a pretty good one.

Hmmmm, I don't think folks actually are blaming the hurricane of racism--it still takes people for that.

Enid Barbaras said...

I agree. I did see that kanye west said that president bush hates black people. I can't stand our president but come on. It reminded me of when chris rock spoke about bush and the war in iraq during his hbo special. How bush is doing things magically to take everyones mind off the war. He said a few things like, bush made that girl go to kobes room that night, bush was doing paris hilton in that video, in order to take everyones mind off the war. So this would be funny to say that bush is creating large storms and wiping out whole states, so we all forget about his stupid war. I heard this as well is it true? that bush turned down the funds to repair the wall/levee around lousiana a while back? If so, that bastard.

nongirlfriend said...

The name Hillary scares me, too. Much more so than George ever did.

Spinning Girl said...

Hurricane Kanye!!!

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I think they should all be the same name, with a number added to show the class.
Call them "Oprah 1" through "Oprah 10", 10 being the most windy.

Nettie said...

Oh geez. I hope they don't ever have a Hurricane Eugene. I'd run for my life now.

MJ said...

A well-written, persuasive thesis on a topic that needed to be addressed. Bravo.

However, wouldn't it be cool if hurricanes were named after the wives of the weathermen who name them?

Heather said...

How about Hurricaine Bubba?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I'm trying hard to think of a name that scares me. Can't think of any.

You can just say, "Run, a hurricane is coming." That's about all I would need.

poopie said...

Hmm. You gotta point there Bug. I mean, like, Hurricane Bugs Butt? I think I'll ride it out. Heh.

Ari said...

I had the same thought... anyone who wanted to name their baby Katrina can't do so for like, the next 10 years until everyone forgets just like they do everything.

addict said...

Wouldn't those mostly be HIM-icanes?
Naming them after women is apt... if you've ever seen one truely pissed off :)
I like the idea of huricane hillary!!

Toni said...

edgy mama said:

"How about Hurricane Medusa--or Hurricane Goliath?"

Dude, Hurricane Medusa is brilliant. I'd be scared outta my mind if I heard Hurricane Medusa was coming my way.

How about Hurricane Dr. Phil? That loudmouth has enough wind in him to knock out the rest of the East Coast.

chosha said...

Yeah, because the claims of racism were aimed at the hurricane o_O ...I mean come on, I don't agree with those claims either, but making it sound like they meant the weather is a bit much.

edgy mama, those are awesome names! Hurricane Medusa! Yeah I'm outa there.

Dave Morris said...

Hurricane Lewinsky. Hurricane Lovelace. Hurricane Rod Stewart. If they're gonna blow, they should be named accordingly.

Hurricane Simmons.

lilly05 said...

Sorry LBB, they're shipping all the crawdads and sleazy co-eds to Texas! "Cause you just KNOW how TOLLERANT them folks are! Laf, speaking as one that is!I concur on the whole Fighting issue, and also have to say that I probably wouldn't be all that scared of Hurricane Muffy, Buffy or Johnathan. They just don't strike me as being all that intimidating. How about Brutus, Bubba or Clem?

Latigo Flint said...

Ah, but we don't actually ever know what the hurricanes call themselves. Isn't us giving names to hurricanes a little bit like ants deciding your boot is named, like "Effsimp" or something?

"Katrina's" real name was probably Graxlor the Terrible and Savage, or some such.

Lyvvie said...

What will happen when all the names are used up? Will they start numbering? Or just roll over and begin with the names book again.

Sassy was named recently...she couldn't have cared less. I don't know if I've ever been one though...

Spinning Girl said...

Hurricane RuPaul!

Bougie Black Boy said...

I'm waiting for "black" names for hurricanes. Hurricane Tyrone. Hurricane Tamika, Rasheed, etc.

Weary Hag said...

Hurricane Sharpton - this way here, nobody could blame racial injustice if it happens to hit a densely populated, low-lying, flood-threatened, better-than-30%-below-poverty-level region.

Or you could go with the weatherman shouting from the set in his best Brooklyn voice "I got your hurricane right here" as he grabs his crotch Jacko-style.

Depending on the size of the guy, that might intimidate me a tad.

sCruuw said...

awesome post LBB now what are your thoughts on Ophelia?

I am re-designing my blog and got a team member, it will be up after the weekend...

blue1aqua1 said...

how come torondos don't get names, they do a whole lot of damage too, they even taken down towns. i think torondos are worst than hurricanes at least with hurricanes you get days of notice with torondos no such luck my friend :)

Sweetie Guy Hutchinson said...

Hurrican Sweetie! Please make it so!

Megan said...

Hurricane Attila or Hurricane Nero would probably scare the crap out of me.

Eunice said...

Hurricane Morton will be tearing up the coast before we know it.

I applaud you on your comments about this hurricane being racist. I've seen the comment surface here and there and all I can do is laugh. Yes people, mother nature hates minorities...

Princess Steph said...

omg - you slay me (in that oh so good way)

Oh great One said...

You're the best LBB! I don't know any other blogger who would come up with the stuff you do. Keep it coming!

grace said...

i think i DID know a couple named andrew and katrina.

Blog ho said...

i liked it when they were all named for chicks better.

Bougie Black Boy said...

i agree. mother nature DOES hate minorities.

It's too hot or too cold for us blk folks! :)

Riss said...

Tsunamis are racist too, they only target my people. Racist bastard tsunamis.

I would so run from a Hurricane Oprah. It might make me stuff my face with bon-bons and rage against those evil oppressive men.

Pirate said...

Hurrican Kanye, or Drizel, or Rotunda. Howabout Dweezle, or Moonshine, or Bubba Joe?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Someone suggested Simmons. I would hafta run from Hurricane Richard Simmons. He's just about scary.

Did you guys catch him on TV recently? He was down (no surprise there) in the Hurricane area because his brother lives there.

And there he was, on the street, looking for his bro's house, and he was DRESSED IN THAT STUPID OUTFIT! You know that get-up he wears? Shorts, "muscle" shirt . If he were sincere he'd have been in real clothes, right?

Rell said...

Hurricane Rick James

Sharkmeat said...

Ya; know the reason the big shark in Finding Nemo is named Bruce is because that was the name given to the mechanical shark for the first Jaws...little movie trivia there...I want a hurricane named after me...Hurrican Heather...has a good ring to it doesn't it? I can reek some havoc beleive me....lol!

Spinning Girl said...

Hurricane Spinning Girl---'cause that's what the bitch IS!!!!

Edgy Mama said...

Did some cute young chick call me "Dude?" That's a first.

Julie said...

Damn right!

Blond Girl said...

Way to go, LBB! If we're going to place blame, though, then Bush made the hurricane, but only after conniving with Carter, Reagan, Bush AND Clinton to make substandard levies so his hurricane would have a "real" target.

Sorry to sound conservative here, but, no wait, I'm NOT sorry - but dagnabit I wish people would quit blaming Bush!

Oh, and hurricane hillary would have my ass out of town so fast you could hear the air wizz by!

Other good ones: Hurricane Tyrell, Hurricane Mona (that just sounds mean!), Hurricane Butch, Hurricane Delilah.... they'd all make me sit up and take notice!

Chad said...

There's a Representative from Houston that's upset that more hurricanes aren't named after minorities. Like that's going to boost the self-esteem of some poor black kid for Hurrican Jamal to completely destroy his town?

I think they should have names like Spike, Lothar, Hanibal, Hagar, or Biggus Dickus.

Belly said...

I can't stop laughing. I guess one should never judge a hurricane by its name.

Personally I like Hurricane Bertha, but then again I have never had to contend with a hurricane.

No_the_game said...

Hey,

Thanks stoping by. I took your comment into consideration.

I also asking same question. Why do they call all bitch huricance after female. Lets call them after male and machoo. U know .

I think hurican is not racist but ppl who deals his/her aftermath shit are :)

Tsunami come and clean my heart too

Love Preacher,
Nothegame

CaCaBoy said...

I think FUBAR (F**cked Up Beyond Belief) is a very, very good name for a hurricane! If you had a hurricane called Fubar coming, I think you'd get the hell outta where ever it is you were!

NWJR said...

Hurricanes are most certainly not caused by Republicans. Sheesh. Everyone knows that Hurricanes BLOW, and Republicans...

well, you know.

;-)

Weary Hag said...

F*cked up Beyond Belief. Wouldn't that be FUBB?
Just sayin.

I thought it was "f*cked up beyond all recognition" (or "repair" if referring to a Ford, Pinto)

Melonie said...

How about Hurricane Commitment and her nagging sister Hurricane Responsibility?

Spinning Girl said...

Hurricane Paris!

Jenny said...

A year or so ago (maybe 2?), my husband told me he heard in the news that some black people were offended that there weren't any "black" names being used to name the hurricanes---just thought that was interesting :o)

Anonymous said...

Some of the most obvious choices haven't been mentioned: Hurricane Saddam, hurricane Osama, hurricane Mugabe, ... And why not hurricane Brown or hurricane Chertoff? Give'em a little incentive there. I also wouldn't oppose names like hurricane Freedom, - Freedom's on the march! Run! -, hurricane Resolute, hurricane Prevail, hurricane Terror, ...