9/20/2005

Mental clusterbombs

  • Every so often some rich jerk with too much time and money decides his next challenge will be to climb Mt. Everest. This feat has been done to death. It’s passé. Anybody can climb Mt. Everest with the entire Eddie Bauer catalogue at his disposal! If you want impress me, climb to the top without a jacket.
  • I exercise a lot, but not because I’m a fitness buff, and not because I enjoy it. For me, exercise is an apology to my body for all the jacked-up shit I do to it. It’s like giving flowers to your wife because you were a jerk all week long. “Baby, I know I’ve been pouring gin gimlets and Oreos down your gullet for the last 3 days. And then on Tuesday, I won that free dinner by eating a 84 ounce steak. Here you go, baby. Here’s 20 minutes on the stair-stepper. This will make it all better. That’s my sexy little liver. Who loves ya?”
  • If an unemployed guy owes a creditor, we issue him welfare checks. If an unemployed guy owes the ex-wife, we issue him an arrest warrant.
  • Why are corporations the enemy and Mother Earth the victim? I don’t see Wal-Mart creating any hurricanes.
  • How did they ever get Clint Eastwood to do those Any Which Way… movies? Clint is a huge star. He was the Leonardo DiCaprio of the 1970s, only without the sexual ambiguity. Anyway, how did they approach Clint with a script like that? “Mr. Eastwood, sir? I’ll cut to the chase because I know your time is valuable. Basically, you’re this redneck degenerate who will be trading lines with a hairy-assed ape for an hour and forty minutes. Oh, and have to get him -- the ape, that is -- laid. So of course we thought of you.”
  • Every once in a while I get the nagging suspicion we get exactly what we’re willing to settle for.
  • The greatest power in the world is the power to walk away.
  • You know what the worst thing about a policeman pulling you over is? Those lights! How embarrassing! They’re like big hands pointing the finger at you. Jeez. I failed to yield to oncoming traffic. That doesn’t make me John Dillenger. You know what they should do? Replace the siren lights with disco balls. Make the experience festive and fun. Make passers-by jealous. I’ll bet people would like cops a lot more, too. It would be like a 1970s retro party. Just don’t break out with the cocaine.
  • I think welfare recipients should have to write thank-you notes addressed to “American Taxpayer.” If you show up at a government office looking for a check, you need to thank those sacrificing part of their paychecks for you. Remind everybody where it comes from.

34 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

Hearty agreement on the police lights. Heck, let's add big floppy shoes and a squirting flower to the get-up as well!

Dave Morris said...

I should point out that a "rich jerk" owns Wal Mart. Can't have it both ways!

Man, do I agree about exercise. Except I keep forgetting to bring my figurative wife figurative flowers. Oooh.

The Eastwood thing made me laugh my ass off!

Latigo Flint said...

These observations are just about as good as they come LBB.

(You gotta admit though, the fist-cam in the 'Which Ways' was pretty damn cool.)

Spirit Of Owl said...

"The greatest power in the world is the power to walk away."
Is that before or after the shit's hit the fan? I mean, you know, walking away after the asteroid hits is probably more powerful than walking away while it hurtles towards Earth...

Weary Hag said...

Um. I think on the "...power to walk away" thing, we'd have to include "...or wheel away, or hobble away" - you know, just to be fair to those who are leg- or foot-challenged.

Maybe the PETAtards got after Clint for shooting at all the horses in his earlier flicks. They said "look Mr. Eastwood, you can make it up to us by helping an Orangutan get his groove on."

What I don't get about child support is ~ why does it seem to cost $700 a week to raise one child (rich daddy), and only $50 a week to raise another (po daddy)? Can we settle on an actual (read REALISTIC) cost for christ's sake?

(already I can't wait for your next book)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I totally agree about the exercise theory....I do the same thing too.

And that "nagging suspicion" theory....that hits too close to home this morning and now you've forced me to think.

Dammit, I had planned to not think all day long.

Crap....;)

Blonde said...

Walking away is the greatest power.

I exercise like a lunatic because of the abuse I have done to my poor body. Hopefully, it forgives me.

Lyvvie said...

Gin gimlets and oreos...oh God, I know what I'm doing tonight!!!

I think I'd die after eating an 84 ounce anything.

Every once in a while I get the nagging suspicion we get exactly what we’re willing to settle for.

That may explain why some have nothing but the appearnce of everything.

Ithiel said...

"Why are corporations the enemy and Mother Earth the victim? I don’t see Wal-Mart creating any hurricanes."

You had me in tears LBB!

Oh great One said...

"Every once in a while I get the nagging suspicion we get exactly what we’re willing to settle for."

That's deep LBB, real deep.

Jenny said...

In reponse to the disco ball--instead of getting a "pat down", you could "get down" and do the Hustle...**winces at lame joke**

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I considered my tax bill once. It was just about enough to get Condoleeza Rice another Armani suit. With nothing left over to pay her salary. So I guess I am probably not paying enough....

Pirate said...

I concur on all points. I asked myself the samething about Eastwood awhile back. I happened to catch one of the farces on AMC. Come to findout it was a marketing scheme Eastwood cooked up since he owned the record label of all the songs from the two movies. He had country stars at the time all wanting to sell records. Mel Tillis, Eddie Rabbit and so on. I guess he made millions on the movies and the records.

Anonymous said...

"Every once in a while I get the nagging suspicion we get exactly what we’re willing to settle for. "

WOW, this is soooo true!

How ya been, Bug-a-boo?

~Veggie

Juliabohemian said...

where would we be without the brilliant phrase "right turn, Clyde"?

tabitha jane said...

"Why are corporations the enemy and Mother Earth the victim? I don’t see Wal-Mart creating any hurricanes."

---------

maybe that was mother earth getting her revenge.

min said...

"I think welfare recipients should have to write thank-you notes addressed to “American Taxpayer.” If you show up at a government office looking for a check, you need to thank those sacrificing part of their paychecks for you. Remind everybody where it comes from."

This is THE best. THE best.

Lizabeth said...

The greatest power in the world is the power to walk away.

Love it, and so true, but I agree with using all the terms (hobble, wheel, etc) otherwise you are so not politically correct.

All of them nailed it on the head!

sCruuw said...

speaking of sexual ambiguity.. Jody Foster....

any who .. Kind of surreal that Eastwood took those roles! Glad that was only a blurp in his career. If that was Walken..he woulda won an oscar for it!

kcterrilynn said...

All of these are brilliant...but I must say that the disco lights on cop cars is my favorite.

I know it's unAmerican, but I really can't stand Clint Eastwood. Or John Wayne. Or Apple Pie. Crap, now I'm going to get deported, aren't I?

Amanda said...

LBB, you always make me laugh. Even when I feel like crap.

Toni said...

sCruuw: Actually, it's not so ambiguous anymore. Jodie Foster came out a couple of years ago. My boyfriend refers to her as the prettiest lesbian in Hollywood.

Blog ho said...

without the sexual ambiguity...yes.

katiedid said...

Regarding the all the rich adreniline junkies thinking they just have to conquer Mt. Everest - "I climb ice" is an anagram of "IMBECILIC." So is "limbic ice" (a frozen brain?) Sorry, I just thought it worth mentioning.

Sherri said...

The welfare thing, I agree 100%. I still believe that if I'm out there working everyday, they should be too.

As always... Rachael said...

I almost wish I was on welfare, just for the chance to write such a note. Can I write one anyway???

As always... Rachael said...

Oh - and to toni - Jodie Foster is gorgeous and talented... your husband is totally right!

nongirlfriend said...

The greatest power in the world IS the power to walk away.

And I need to write my liver a thank you note. It's long overdue.

Nettie said...

The lights...not the evil lights!

jadedprimadonna said...

"That’s my sexy little liver. Who loves ya?” - Laughing so hard I was crying over that one!

Patsy Darling said...

I'm just wondering who thinks about Clint Eastwood in their spare time. That is by far the strangest thing you have ever said.

CaCaBoy said...

I exercise as an apology!

So true! We do some seriously fucked up things to our bodies, and should apologize!

Ari said...

1. All that exercise has kept you well preserved. You still look just as slick as you did back in the 50's, doing those motorcycle jumps at Al's.

2. We should elect you president on the "Thank You Note" platform. I love it. I'd like to see what your pragmatic wit could do with this country.

Teaspoon said...

I realize that this is a little late, but being out of town I missed quite a few and am only now gettign caught back up on my buglore. I totally agree with the last statement. Where the hell is my thank you note? maybe a box of chocolates. something.