9/23/2005

No toilet paper? Try US currency.

I read a news story about a guy who had to pay a traffic ticket and decided to get revenge. Let me summarize. I swear, this is a true story:

Evidently, this guy felt he didn’t deserve the ticket. So he registered his complaint by tainting dollar bills with his own feces and paying the fine with it.

Yep. He wiped his ass with the money and then mailed it to the municipality. I would have killed to see the look on Benjamin Franklin's face!

This gives new meaning to the phrase "tendering" money.

Think how pissed off you have to be to wipe your ass with dollar bills before paying a fine. That's undiluted anger, folks.

But that's not all. I found this tidbit interesting: the guy who did this is a fuckin' clinical psychologist. That means he's treating people with mental disorders (in between wiping his own ass with US currency, I presume). I wonder whether he specializes in anger management.

Imagine what his therapy sessions are like.

"Look, Bill. I understand how upset you can get while driving in rush hour traffic. But you have to breathe deeply and relax, get a hold of your road rage. And when you get home, wipe your ass with a $20 and mail it to the city. It's very therapeutic."

They're charging this guy with a crime. But what law did he break? In high school I knew this one guy who stuffed a roll of quarters up his ass. They didn't arrest him. Seems like a double standard to me.

44 comments:

addict said...

I think its a felony with Bills,
but only a misdemeanor with coins :)

Spinning Girl said...

I'm always amazed at how, when humans are really pissed off, only shit will do. We're no different than the monkeys throwing their feces. The ultimate insult is to take a crap in someone's shoe, closet, car, etc; you name the place, and someone has done it.

nongirlfriend said...

I had to shit so badly today on the way to a client's office that I started threatening those in my way that I would start flinging my stuff out the window at them if they didn't make way for me. Only one guy moved. Pervs.

Rell said...

wow -- i don't think i'll ever have to use the bathroom that bad.

Particularly with gas prices about to be out of control -- i gotta save every little bit i can get!

So i won't be wiping anything with cash!

Spinning Girl said...

I must insist that you read "Thirsty" and "Thumb" next time you visit my other blog.

Spinning Girl said...

and by "insist", I of course mean "pretty please, sir?"

Rob Seifert said...

There is something on the books about destroying or defacing US currency though I'm not certain as to the specifics. Still, I gotta love this guy's style of comentary.

RCS

Chad said...

I can't think of any laws that would have been broken in Texas. Maybe some kind of Health Code Violation. But honestly, you'd have to prove it was his feces and prove that he was the one who did it. Not very easy with the mail.

Before everyone starts yellig about DNA, that test costs a few thousand dollars. Not exactly the kind of money you'd want to spend just because a pissed off guy, pissed you off in turn.

fbhzjsf: Fines beget horrible zeal, just send feces.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that is pretty pissed off. I guess the guy felt shat upon, nyuk nyuk.

Yes, DNA could be done, but the cost and the lab time would be ridiculous and better spent on real crime.

I'd hate to be the lab tech on that one.

What about Gerbils? I heard some stuck one up his...nevermind. I won't go there...literally.

tornwordo said...

I don't get what they could charge him for, unless it's destroying currency or some such nonsense.

I once paid (something I believed I didn't owe) $60 in the form of unrolled pennies, walked up, plopped the very heavy bag of pennies on the counter and said, "I've paid".

I didn't think about adding feces to the bag, but that would've rocked too.

Amandarama said...

Is it a crime to do that with a check, too? Because I think I might try that when I finally pay off my student loan.

Cheryl said...

Maybe getting him to court will open the way for a judge to order psych assessment. he has a high stress job, sounds like he is overdue getting help?
I thought all those sorts were meant to go for regular counselling themselves, to keep an even keel.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I know a guy who started with a roll of quarters and by the time he was out of prison he had worked his way up to a bowling ball.

Bobby said...

Heh. I would never do that to pay an official bill.

Now, when I pay other people, who knows?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Well the person who gave him the traffic ticket, and the unfortunate person who opened the mail, are NOT the same person. So I think it's a crime.

Some average Jane tryin' to make a living posting fine payments got a dirty dose of a sick jerk's rage. Pitiful.

The roll of quarters is a different story. Guy was probably just practicing for some future date. Literally.

Lyvvie said...

As someone who used to work in a bank I have this to say: Don't ever-fucking-make a face at your bank teller for using antiseptic after every transaction again!!

I once had a customer complain about this particualar habit (Not just me but most tellers) I'd employ because it made *them* feel dirty.

He probably was. Dirty, filthy bugger.

I'm now going everywhere wearing marigolds.

Jinxy said...

"MER-man!"

That was very funny.

Heather said...

Sounds like sheer brilliance to me. If I had thought of that first, I soooo would have done that the last time I had to pay a ticket!

CaCaBoy said...

The crime isn't that he wiped his ass, it's that he sent it c.o.d.

Toni said...

What if he included a letter with the money that said, "EAT MY SHIT COCKSUCKERS!!!!" and used the letter to wipe his ass with instead? Is that a crime?

Sharon said...

Undiluted anger. Well put.

Nettie said...

Oy, there you go with the baaaad mental pictures again.

NWJR said...

If you burn the American Flag by igniting it with a lit fart flame, is that a felony?

Sherri said...

Maybe he got the idea from one of his patients.

Sherri said...

Sorry about the double comment, but, heck, they may have paid HIM with tainted money!

lilly05 said...

Hell, why not? A friend of mine who was in Vietnam, told me that this was a speciality of a certain strip joint....picking up a roll of quarters with certain bodily orifices that is. They never charged any of the strippers with a crime. Kinda makes ya wonder who opened the envelope...don't it?

Cindy-Lou said...

But why, WHY would someone put a roll of quarters up his ass? WHY?

Dave Morris said...

I once paid a bill I felt I didn't owe in pennies. In return (I guess she felt I was being adversarial) I got thrown out of the storage space and had to move my shit that night... but damn it was good to see the look on the manager's face when I carried in several big bank bags of unrolled pennies.

No shit.

Ari said...

Psychotic-ologist, heal thyself it seems.

But wouldn't it have been better to do it so subtly (i.e. w/o staining) that the people accepting the money would never know?

Well, to me it would have.

Weary Hag said...

I once opened a payment envelope at work and almost passed out from the stench. Oh, it wasn't crap, but whatever french whore was making the payment surely doused herself in patchouli perfume before sending it. I couldn't rid myself of that stank for days.

I think I'd rather hold an ass-wiped dollar. At least it's organic and isn't oil based. Unless the person is Italian, then it's probably olive oil based, which could be just as intrusive.

Huw said...

I squirmed when I read this post. Not because I was disgusted, but because it made me recall the time I mixed together moisturiser, water and flour to make a very dubious white sticky liquid of which I left a tantalising smear on a cheque I was sending to the parking fines office.

I work in a clinical psychology department.

Ahem.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ewwwww.....

It's too damn early to even think about this.

Ugh...

Nölff said...

That's how I should have payed my taxes. Damn, what a good idea.

Tish said...

Hahaha! That's a funny story, but the way you told it is just hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

Bennet said...

heheheheheeehheee..

I'd almost considered do the same, but that's very inaffective to cleaning you butt.

Pirate said...

The anger management is to help you handle your stress. I guess so your blood pressure stays in a safe zone. I suppose crapping on money would have no effect on your own Blood pressure.

Melonie said...

Holy Crap!

sCruuw said...

OMG that is too funny.. the dude that stuffed the roll of quarters up his ass...is he on JACKASS???

Chick said...

I think they should be charged with money laundering...if they cleaned the money up & kept it.

Riss said...

He should just say it's a religious thing. He keeps his money in his anus and sometimes it gets "tainted." He should be safe.

grace said...

YUCK! that's disgusting. anything that has to do with feces makes me ill.

ew.

Oh great One said...

HA HA HA! That is so freakin' funny! And a therapist to boot!

Saucy Monk said...

Normally, I would credit you with passing on such decent subject matter, however, realizing what blogs do (especially ones with 42 comments), I'm going to blame you for inciting bad behavior and if I ever pick up a fiver that smells of shit....I'm coming straight for you.

LBseahag said...

This is the brother of the guy who snapped a photo of $40 and sent it to pay for his photo-radar ticket...