9/14/2005

Random Musings of a Spotless Mind

  • 90% of humor is daring to speak the truth. The other 10% is a spastic, outrageous fat guy with a proclivity to reveal his ass crack.
  • In most foreign countries, “prejudice” means execution, torture, or losing your life to a nail bomb. In America, “prejudice” means not getting promoted.
  • The Overstock.com commercial says “sometimes it’s all about the gold.” Evidently, sometimes it’s all about showing your box from underneath a tennis skirt. Ho!
  • How come we could build 30,000 nuclear warheads without much complaint, but we can’t build some more nuclear reactors to power schools and hospitals?
  • I recently drove through a construction site and saw a sign that instructed, “Keep Right.” Driving a bit further, I encountered another sign. This time I had to “Keep Left.” Why not just make one sign that reads “Drive in the Center, Dipshit?”
  • We could reduce violent crime by 95% tomorrow if we brought back the fine tradition of public flogging. It sounds crazy. But that’s how a criminal mind works: 20 years locked in a cage doesn’t faze these low-lives. Getting paddled with your pants around your ankles while school-aged girls ridicule your “genital minutia” scares the hell out of them.
  • I’ll never understand why potential employers will go to the ends of the earth to learn whether you smoked dope or shoplifted 10 years ago, but they overlook the 117 people you were an asshole to last week.
  • Every company swears they don’t consider race when hiring. Yet every company wants us to check a box that “best describes yourself.”
  • When a salesman tries to push an “extended warranty” on me, I immediately shout “A-ha! So you admit it’s a piece of crap!
  • I would never disparage a religious faith intentionally. But I have to ask, with all due respect, about these 72 virgins waiting for you in Heaven. Does it occur to followers that their peckers will still be down here on earth? That sounds more like Hell to me.
  • Some people’s positive outlook on life bewilders me. For example, you know that one friend of yours who describes each rotten episode in her life as “an experience?” They have no regrets, no complaints, no hard feelings -- just experiences. Hey Stephanie, remember that time your boyfriend stole all your money and spent it at the titty bar just before he left you stranded in Tijuana? “Oh yeah. It was an experience.” “It was something I had to experience.” It was an experience? Everything is an experience! The Holocaust was an experience. A major car accident is an experience. Racking your beanbag on the handle bars is an experience. That doesn’t mean it was good. Some things just suck. Admit it.
  • In elementary school teachers tried to impress on us that it was OK to make a mistake. If that were true, why did they insist we write in ink?
  • Here’s some irony: I worked as an office supply clerk. They subjected me to a random drug test. I tested positive for White-Out and Sharpie inhalants.
  • Cartoon violence does not cause violent behavior in children. Remember the Road Runner? Every episode had the Coyote attempting to kill the Road Runner. And thanks to the sponsors at ACME, he had an arsenal of guns and explosives that would envy Kim Jong-Il. Kids turned out fine. But you force these little brats to sit through the Teletubbies and Barney, and you create a legion of pint-sized Charlie Mansons.
  • I just read that committing suicide is illegal. I wonder if you could get the death penalty for something like that. It would save everybody involved a huge headache.
  • If America celebrates Independence Day, then Great Britain should celebrate Boston Massacre Day. And why do we celebrate Pearl Harbor Day? Isn’t that Japan’s chin-dig? We ought to celebrate “Fat Man and Little Boy Day.”
  • The chat room has replaced the CB radio and Internet porn has replaced the girlie mag. This is progress.
  • Remember Johnny Cochran’s poem at the OJ trial? “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.” Why didn’t prosecutors give the Dream Team a dose of their own medicine? “If the defendant bailed, he should be jailed.” “If OJ’s hand revealed a cut, let inmates pound him in the butt.” “OJ hacked them with his knife, first that one kid, then his wife.” “He gave the victim a black eye. That‘s how you know you‘ve got your guy.” Hell, Dr. Seuss could have convicted OJ easily.
  • It seems like every time we send up a space shuttle, we fret over the heat shields. Some fall off. Others break. There’s a gap in between them… Why not just reenter the shuttle over Siberia. It’s freezing up there. Of course it’s going to get hot over Florida. That’s why all those old fuckers live there.
  • The most overrated body part is the thumb. Sure it’s important, but it’s overrated. All your thumbs do anymore is work the Space Bar. And it takes both of them to do that!
  • If factory workers protest robots, why don’t fireman protest indoor sprinklers? Why don’t police protest neighborhood watch programs and kick the crap out of that McGruff crime dog?
  • I’ll tell you why the movie Alexander bombed at the box office. Not realistic enough. No gay man would leave the house with a hairdo like that.

60 comments:

tornwordo said...

When a salesman tries to push an “extended warranty” on me, I immediately shout “A-ha! So you admit it’s a piece of crap!”

I can't wait to say that next time.

You have just moved one step closer to being my idol.

Blonde said...

You never fail to make me laugh out loud every morning.

This ho loves to show the box under her tennis skirt ;)

nongirlfriend said...

This is brilliant, but your last comment is what really got me!

Edgy Mama said...

Thanks, LBB, for my morning laugh. I have a post-it note stuck on my puter that says, "Buy LBB's book." Today, it just might happen.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Genius, LBB...pure genius. Thanks for the laugh this morning, I sure as hell needed it.

Oh...and P.S.: I am not an old fuck....I'm a middle-aged fuck.;)

aughra said...

nice. I love reading these.

NWJR said...

I’ll tell you why the move Alexander bombed at the box office. Not realistic enough. No gay man would leave the house with a hairdo like that.

Speaking from experience, LBB?

(I'm kidding...I'm a kidder.)

Diva in Training said...

Your random thoughts are soo much better than mine.

Admit it. In elementary school teachers tried to impress on us that it was OK to make a mistake. If that were true, why did they insist we write in ink?

That's why I used to get my mom to buy me erasable ink pens

How come we could build 30,000 nuclear warheads without much complaint, but we can’t build some more nuclear reactors to power schools and hospitals

Preech on Brotha Bug Preech on..

Oh great One said...

I SO want to say something clever or witty but all I can say is you are amazing. I don't know how you come up with this stuff but I love it!

Lizabeth said...

I love the thumb one, we do need both what the heck!

Heather said...

"I’ll never understand why potential employers will go to the ends of the earth to learn whether you smoked dope or shoplifted 10 years ago, but they overlook the 117 people you were an asshole to last week"

Exactly! I've wondered the same thing!

Eunice said...

I'm dying, as usual.

"Some people’s positive outlook on life bewilders me. For example, you know that one friend of yours who describes each rotten episode in her life as 'an experience?'" -- these are the people that know that these "experiences" "happen for a reason."

Death penalty for being unsuccessful at yet another attempt in life...taking your own...I could go for that.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

There is entirely too much wisdom here for it to be assimilated all at once. You should dribble out your sageness so we can wallow it around in our minds.

Chick said...

Sometimes things suck...I'll admit it.

That orgasmic Overstock ho lady bothers me too...looks like she's in need of a good O.

Barney is violent & scary in a subversive, creepy way...he just is.

You should have been a lawyer...you could have saved the world from OJ.

Anti-Blogger said...

One time you cracked me up. Not anymore.

Nah...you still do.

min said...

Again, I LOVE your random stuff.

And I also wonder what an interesting place your brain must be.

Magnolia said...

I stand in awe of you. How do you keep thinking this shit up?! I mean, I could understand a post like this every once in a while but EVERY TIME?! It's truly "O".

Dave Morris said...

Hoss is right, you should dole these out a little at a time, my brain is smoking from input of brilliance!

I always tell the extended warranty pushers "it just so happens I own a business that services these things!"

Still not as good as your idea.

Weary Hag said...

So much input for one session. Oh baby, but it's that gooood kind of input. That GREAT kind of input. The kind that keeps on puttin and puttin for like ... a long time. When I finish reading a post like this one, I always want to exhale slowly and then light a cigarette and cuddle a bit.

But I'll settle on saying "god, you were good" and leaving.

Toni said...

“If OJ’s hand revealed a cut, let inmates pound him in the butt.”

BEST. LINE. EVER.



(That is, until your next post! I'm sure you'll have another brillaint set of quotes!)

Melonie said...

he he he

You area a humor god!

Melonie said...

You area a humor god? What the hell was I thinking?

Junebugg said...

Damn, you're good!!!! You should write speeches LOL (wink wink)

just.a.girl said...

amazing dood. simply amazing. i am sad, however, that your book promo has been hidden from sight.... :(

i have introduced one of my friends who sits by me in class to your musings.. we both sit here and attempt not to snort aloud!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I always wondered about the 72 Virgins in Heaven thing too. I mean, so what? 72 fucks later whatyagot? Eternity ahead with used broads.

The way some folks name their kids, you don't have to ask about race. I mean, is Shaagron'tyre gonna be white?

Blond Girl said...

I finally figured out the mystery. Your brain is a place where thoughts are flying out radomly and quickly; you're smart enough to keep post-its by you to jot down the good ones, right? I mean, how else do you remember all this stuff? I like to think I'm funny (and most of my friends agree), but I must bow to your mastery. Mastery, I said! (No, I didn't say master - never mind. I didn't say it. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

I read this at work and had to do that guilty look around to be sure no one saw me snorting!

Blond Girl said...

ok, two blog comments.

1. Where's your archives? I like archives! Bring them back, I say! NOW!

2. What is your book? I hit the "buy my book on Lulu" button and got sent to a registration page. So I did a product search on "lightning bug" and nothing came up but I don't have a title, author, ISBN number.... nothing. Gawd, how am I supposed to buy your book if I can't FIND your book?

Ok, I'm done bitching. For now. More bitching may ensue later. Or more complements. We'll see; depends on my mood. and if you bring back the friggin archives!

CaCaBoy said...

You, Sir, are a genius!

Spinning Girl said...

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude, you get a lot of comments. And you don't even post pictures of caviar!

LBB, this was pure entertainment! I had an experience reading it! In fact, I had two!

What does it say about you that your stream of consciousness is 3x longer than mine usually are? I also notice you don’t start imagining the Dalai Lama or Gorton Fisherman with their clothes off, like I do… I stream for 5 minutes & then fall asleep.

I loved the first one. In writing, we have to dare to go beyond what’s comfortable and be honest. The people will see the humor in that truth, even if it ain’t pretty.

Case in point: don’t pretend you didn’t pee in the shower when you did. And by you, I of course mean me.

By the way, corporal punishment a.k.a. “getting you ass SPAYNKed with a wooden paddle engraved with the words “Meet Your Maker” still occurs in many states. As in Ohio, where my friend’s dad is principal and has said paddle hanging in his office.

Drug testing is a hoot! Do you know how much a clean cup of urine costs!??!!?!?!?

Thanks again for a great post. Can’t wait 'til tomorrow so I can put a new HNT picture up on my desktop. But of course I jest; it’s not on my desktop, I made a quilt out of it & it’s on my 4-poster.

Julie said...

is there anyway you can hook me up w/ the archive about how women tease men/ or if they know if they will get it or just republish it, it is funny as hell, and I wanted to tell someone about it.

Amandarama said...

"90% of humor is daring to speak the truth. The other 10% is a spastic, outrageous fat guy with a proclivity to reveal his ass crack. "

And that was the pitch Seth McFarland gave for "The Family Guy".

Blond Girl said...

Don't hate me... I had the nerve to tag you on my post tonight! :D

Oh, and I'm glad you're fixing your book link!

As always... Rachael said...

I can't quote a specific line that made me laugh out loud without re-typing this whole fucking post!

I agree with everything 100%... you should be our next president!

Patsy Darling said...

Here Here I'm all about the public flogging.

Anonymous said...

OMG that was out fricken standing.

Things that make you go, Hmmmmmm

Off with their heads!

And it is all about the OOOOOhhhhh baby.

Alice

Jack Mercer said...

Bug, Number 2 is a quote I must use!
-Jack

utenzi said...

Hilarious!

"Does it occur to followers that their peckers will still be down here on earth? That sounds more like Hell to me."

Riss said...

Great thoughts. The employer one was especially funny. They don't care that this guy doesn't do his job but they care what my credit rating is.

lilly05 said...

Very enlightening LBB! I am in awe of your sage meanderings! Hope that you have a very large backstock of these, wouldn't do to have you run low anytime soon. :p

sCruuw said...

LBB DRIVE IN THE CENTER! HAHA

Pirate said...

I fit the first one. "Yep yer frig will run ya thirty big ones lady."

Nettie said...

I think your mind has stripes.

Cindy-Lou said...

Hey, I'm only as asshole to people who deserve it.

Jenny said...

If you commit suicide, you should AT LEAST get life in prison...
Love your posting---I think I'll link you

gusgreeper said...

rent oz dude seriosuly!

Bobby said...

public flogging would be one of my favorite television shows.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

“If OJ’s hand revealed a cut, let inmates pound him in the butt.” Love that.

CaCaBoy said...

Hey, can I be a Cool Phuker?

CaCaBoy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yeah, him. said...

hilarious stuff!! keep up the good work!! happy HNT!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

you've always been a cool phucker, CacaBoy!

Of course I'll add you to my list.

Lavinia said...

Thats really funny! A nice way to start the day.

Thanks for stopping my my HNT!

Lyvvie said...

I thought I'd left a comment yeaterday...where'd it go??

As always an inspired miasma of random coolness.

I just ordered your book. the exchange rate works so well in my favor. And since you're dishing out links on your blog..ahem...nudge nudge...wink wink.

Blog ho said...

fuck cursive.

Riss said...

I just came back to read this again haha. Was just as funny the second time around. Oh oh and me too on the links please!

grace said...

i'm SO going to use that line on the sales guy who tries to sell me an extended warranty! heh.

Sharon said...

wow. You're getting up there with Lewis Black when it comes to things to be pissed off about. I am impressed.

Lyvvie said...

Awww...thanks sweetie. I'd kiss ya if I could.

nongirlfriend said...

Update, damnit! I don't have a life!

KelBel said...

Genius...I can't say it enough!