9/09/2005

Sending Flowers

Middle-class Americans dig deep into their wallets, sometimes more than $100, to send flowers to a loved one. But flowers die. Soon. Talk about a perishable item. Even a box of chocolate will last you a week! But flowers just sit there and die. What kind of gift idea is that? “Here’s a vase full of dying vegetable matter, honey. Happy birthday!”

I’m skeptical of the flower industry. I think they’ve hoodwinked us into believing a flower bouquet is a swell gift idea when really it’s lame crap. They’re almost as bad as Hallmark ($3.25 for a card?). The flower-pushers are the same people who insist you should “change your car’s oil” and “get a yearly prostate exam.”

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the thrill of being surprised at work with a gift delivery. What excites one more than knowing your loved one took the time? That he’s thinking of you this very minute? I see the romance in that. But why flowers? Couldn’t we be spontaneous and practical at the same time?

For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to have something really cool delivered to her office. Like a pizza. If I time the delivery just right, she’ll be really hungry and food would be a great surprise, plus she’ll be too stuffed to go out to dinner that night. The pizza will pay for itself. See? Practical. Or, I’ll have delivered some really trashy lingerie to spice up the bedroom. She can show that off to all her colleagues! Maybe even try it on, get a raise! Or, I’ll send her a really cool mp3 player. There’s a gift that keeps on giving.

51 comments:

sCruuw said...

That is romance right there!

Sharon said...

I agree that practicality and spontaenity should go hand in hand. Maybe it's all in the presentation. A prepaid oil change could be enormously seductive depending on who was offering to do it.

kcterrilynn said...

Aww, that Mrs. Bug's Butt is one lucky lady...

Right now, I'd kill for a pizza.

tornwordo said...

The pizza will pay for itself. That's gold there.

Cut flowers are such a sucker purchase, just buy the damn (live)plant and she/he can have flowers for as long as they want to take care of the damn thing.

Even a packet of seeds is better than some rotting thorny roses.

As always... Rachael said...

I agree... I do not want my husband spending $70 of OUR money on flowers that look pretty for a day or so. I don't like gifts at all actually... because it's our money being spent... there's nothing "generous" about that.

Husband's should show their appreciation by cleaning the bathroom or something...

Melonie said...

Mrs. Bug's Butt is one lucky lady.

I personally would find an hour with no responsibilities very romantic, but hell a pizza would do just as well.

Edgy Mama said...

Ohhh, I'd love a pizza on my birthday. I think the flowers are a ridiculous waste of money, as well. Particularly as you can grow them yourself for pennies.

Cheryl said...

Swine!
Dinner is just something to do with your hands and mouth whilst being somewhere 'valid' with a partner instead of seeing them as as much a part of home as the laundry, and also while feeling glamorous.
Give her ego, and her opinion of you, a birthday. Do the flippin' dinner thing.
xx

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Nope. I'm not buyin' it. Not feelin' the love here at all.

If your wife/friend/whatever likes to receive cut flowers, then the money is not wasted. If she thinks flowers are a waste of money, fine. Don't send them. But it should be her perception that counts. Not yours.

When a cut-flowers woman is attached to a potted-plant man, it's a sad situation.

Toni said...

Deliver a pizza? How about Chinese food instead? Nothing says "I love you" better than a box of mongolian beef and fried rice. Also, since the fortune cookie comes free, you don't have to spend on dessert!

Pirate said...

I figured you'd be the one to find out our trick. Damn you man. Now we'll have to trick them into buying cards for ten or eleven reasons a year.

Spinning Girl said...

A woman likes flowers.

And by a woman, I mean me.

And by likes, I mean buys them for herself, all the time.

nongirlfriend said...

You are the perfect man! I wish Vicente would send me CHEESE pizza at work as a surprise!

Nettie said...

I have pizza, but no MP3 player...

Chad said...

Nothing says, "I wanna hump you. Or your leg." like the dead reproductive organs of a plant. Good call.

Baobhan Sith said...

LOL, that's great!
...though I had better get flowers WITH the pizza or a better idea is having a Fat-Bling-Bling-Ring delivered to your honey!

Bling Bling + Flowers = BJ every night for two years...I swear it!

Darlene said...

The pizza is so romantic, but I'm thinking hampsters on a stick would be nice. You could arrange several in a vase, and they'd probably stay alive and fluffy for at least three maybe four days. One dozen white wiggling hampsters is the perfect gift for that warm fuzzy feeling. It definitely says I'm crazy in love with you. Speaking of crazy, I'm sure crazy glue would do the trick...maybe that's why it's called crazy glue. But that's just my opinion, take my advice if you want to score.

The Blog Patrol said...

I am totally there with you, Flowers are seriously over-rated.

Tish said...

I'd much rather get a gift that I can keep instead of flowers that will die in a couple of days. You're on the right track, Bug's Butt, although I'm not sure I'd want my guy sending a pizza. hahaha. Talk about true romance! ;)

Lyvvie said...

Why not give a nice potted plant that can be put in the garden and enjoyed for years to come?? Because...a pizza won't last forever eaither, but a jade plant will live forever.

lilly05 said...

Hmmmm, While you're at it LBB why don't you just send her an appointment for a mamogram, or better yet for a colonoscopy! You are one romantic beast let me tell ya! I still have the first bouquet of roses that RCS ever sent me, I dried them and they are even as we speak sitting on the mantel. I must agree with Boabhan sith on this one, ever wonder why most guys bitch about not getting oral love more often...must be the pizza! :p

Sharon said...

Wow, I think you touched a nerve here, lbb.

I'm with Melonie on this one. In case my original position was not made clear.

Blonde said...

Flowers are romantic. Sending me flowers for "no reason" guarantees you a long night of blowjobs and doggie style ;).

Pizza does not make me wet.

Amandarama said...

I've always told Mr. Scoop that nothing says love like the gift of high powered weaponry and buffalo wings. I'm a softie like that.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, no. The really practical thing is to buy yourself a kazoo and play "Turkey in the Straw" for the Missus. Women can't get enough "Turkey in the Straw." You now can get a kazoo for less than the price of a gallon of gas. Couldn't used to, but can now.

Dave Morris said...

Ah, bug... more brilliance.

Once I sent a tube of KY to my wife at work, a real surprise that kept on giving. Very practical too.

Spinning Girl said...

linked.

Amanda said...

In what sick world does a box of chocolate last an entire week?!?!

Chad said...

I'm going to take Lilly's advice. I'm getting the missus an appointment for a Pap smear. That's romantic, right??

addict said...

Chocolates are supposed to last a week? damn...

gusgreeper said...

i did reception for a long time..getting flowers at work sucked.

duff said...

i've never gotten flowers, and i'm pretty okay with it.

why spend $50 on something that'll be dead in a couple of days when that $50 could buy me something spiffy from frederick's instead?

Anonymous said...

Now for me...Lasagna.

Well, for my husband. He likes to come home and ask to 'cut the lasagna.'

???

It keeps him happy though.

Alice

Osbasso said...

I would think any woman would appreciate a book written by one of the funniest and best writers in the blogosphere. Especially if it came with an autographed picture of the author in the shower with his work!

lilly05 said...

MMMMMMMM, a pap smear. Chad I think you've hit on something there! Just make sure that you get her an appointment with an office that provides ceiling posters in the sturup table room! Nothing like not having anything to look at when the Doc "introduces" the icy cold impliments!! You're golden man, just sit back and reap the benefits of your genius.

poopie said...

I'd take pizza over flowers any day!!

Spinning Girl said...

Ohhhh noooo, you guys!


looook what haaaappened!

Bummer.

Patsy Darling said...

I hope the woman at least gets some toppings on that pizza.

KelBel said...

Pizza...now that's a birthday delivery! Classic right there. Really, we should just send dead flowers...that way you're not bummed when they die and you don't have to throw em away. I think I just found my mother's day gift!

Diva in Training said...

Yeah that's why I rearly buy flowers for presents. If I decide to do FTD I usually do a plant because I feel that if I am going pay to pay 50 bucks and up it better last.

Bougie Black Boy said...

so dreadfully true. Why o why Do I keep buying flowers for mom? I may have to stop!

Magnolia said...

A box of chocolates lasts a week in your house?! DAMN! That's considered ancient around mine. A box'll last 5 minutes or so there.

Oh great One said...

I think your ideas will work. Truth is all we want is for all our girlfriends to be jealous.

Sonic Reducer said...

Will the Pizza be in a vase?

Junebugg said...

Damn, you sure got popular with that one!!!! Me, I just want a phone call telling me hints of what's waiting for me when I get home. Then dinner in the nude, feeding eachother and doing kinky things with the food but never quite going "all the way". And finally working up to "desert". Ah yes, I think I need to go now!!!

grace said...

OMG! i want a pizza delivered to my work!!!

i am not into flowers. steve knows better. he surprises me with books, cds and dvds. man, that boy loves me...

pragensis said...

I like buying flowers and watch them die. I mean I really like flowers. Keep your pizza.

Weary Hag said...

You mean you're supposed to 'get' something for your birthday? Hm.

Blond Girl said...

You have a wife? Lucky Woman! See gets to see behind the book! (wink)

I agree; flowers die. Go for jewelry. There's a reason they say diamonds are forever.

NWJR said...

But remember Guy Rule #1:

"Flowers fix everything".

That's really all you need to know. Logic doesn't play a part in it.

Tee said...

You must know my husband and be part of his "society." Do you have thoughts on auto mechanics (they all fuck you and do something to your car so you come back), the ridiculousness of overgifting and a variety of other things relating to our society and how people fall into societies traps of certain things like hallmark and the $3.25 for a card.