9/29/2005

Workplace DEFCON System

When I start a new job (and I've had to start quite a few) I resist the temptation to become a “company man.” I don’t acclimate to my new work culture. I don’t memorize the mission statement. I don‘t familiarize myself with the organization’s goals. And I don’t sharpen whatever skills my new job requires of me.

All of the above will forge you into a first-rate employee, but they require a lot of hard work and time -- neither of which I have in abundance. Luckily, I’ve found an alternative. When I start my new job, I scan the office for the jerks and nitwits who are on the verge of getting fired. Then I make sure I look a tad better than them. That's how I know the boss will stay out of my hair. He's got bigger problems than me! Basically, my workday is walking single-file behind a guy in a minefield: I’ll know just in time time that I'm headed for trouble! Let me explain.

Most people like and respect good workers. You know the type -- great attitude, award-winning work ethic, knows the job, willing to help you out, puts the company first. Personally, I have no use for these people. They're only going to make me look bad when I'm knocking them over on my mad dash for the time clock at 4:58.

You know whom I love? The deadbeat, I-don't-give-a-shit type who squeaked by a background check in HR and has done next-to-nothing productive since he started 5 years ago. I love his type because I know he's going down before I do. He serves as an early warning system for termination. He's the canary in the coal mine. If I show up to work and he's still there, conditions are safe. And if you have 4 or 5 of them in an office, you can use them like that DEFCON system the military has. “Whoa. They finally fired Bill for taking a dump in the coffee maker. Take us to DEFCON 3.”

I like to insulate myself with as many as these people as I can. It gives me a sense of security. I figure I'm never going to win Employee of the Month, but I can make myself look pretty good next to the cranked up ex-felon passed out on his desk in a puddle of his own vodka-laden drool. I'm Lee Iacocca next to this motherfucker.

Speaking of firing people, who escorts the security guard out of the building when they fire him? The cafeteria lady? And why do they need security to escort professionals out the door, anyway? What's a 42-year-old pussy boy software engineer going to do when he gets the axe? Control-Alt-Delete the email server? Questions like these are part of the reason I have to start so many new jobs.

39 comments:

Nölff said...

I'm the deadbeat.

sCruuw said...

Bugg~ You have this nailed...umm you should write a book...wink wink!!

mwp said...

"Whoa. They finally fired Bill for taking a dump in the coffee maker. Take us to DEFCON 3."

HA.

I got fired once...for surfing the internet too often. And when I returned to my desk after getting the axe, my company account had been frozen and I couldn't even turn the damn computer on. I guess they thought I'd try to sabotage their network or some shit.

Fucking I.T. losers.

Pirate said...

You are a genius. I hope you have seen "The Office". You need to write for them.

Amandarama said...

"Speaking of firing people, who escorts the security guard out of the building when they fire him?"

I believe that job is contracted out to a large man named Guido with questionable connections.

NWJR said...

The security escort always cracked me up, too. It's the corporate equivalent of the Perp Walk.

Mona said...

Brilliant...playing defense instead of offense.

Spinning Girl said...

workin' the system, you are.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Security guys aren't walked out of the building. They are slipped a strong poison in a "goodbye" Tequila shot.

Because they know way too much.

Patsy Darling said...

Oh man they just escorted a guy out at my job yesterday, he's like 5 ft 3 inches and weighs about 300 lbs what kind of trouble was he going to start?

Harry Yak said...

you are a total genius!

i'm going to put this plan into action immediately.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Vodka-laden drool"?

Heeeeeyyyyy! Have you been spying on me????

;)

nongirlfriend said...

There are only three employees in my company. I'm constantly on DEFCON 2, which makes for a good excuse to drink heavily at lunch time.

Blonde said...

you are so right.

my last job the guy in the office next to me had a red stapler like the guy in the movie Office Space. It took little to no effort to out shine him. He made me look like a rock star, and I was either hungover or stoned everyday when I arrived there.

Migraine Boy said...

You are like a modern, much more kick-ass, Buddha!

poopie said...

You have a sound theory there Bug. I'll have you know I couldn't quote my company's mission statement if I had a damn gun pointed at my head.

Melonie said...

They need security guards to escort postal employees out not I.T. geeks!

Dave Morris said...

My problem comes when they fire the TWO bottom people.

Of course, as it is, I would have to fire myself to be fired.

I'm thinking about it because I am a lazy mother fucker.

Baby_D said...

I admire your work ethic.

Riss said...

Defcon 3 I love it!! My 3 years at the NBA taught me that hard work will get you nowhere. So since I have an inability to kiss ass, I tend to stay off the radar. Except when to show that I'm better than THAT GUY. It takes only minimal effort to make sure you're somewhere in the middle of the order in which people are to be fired.

Excuse me, I have to go type luvwhpdh now to get this posted.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I move we spend time on the job freeing Tibet.

actonbell said...

Work sucks. I'm building my pile so I can get out as soon as possible.

Quixotic Cat said...

So True!

Mike said...

We got escorted out of the goodwill by an old driving ms. daisy lady for trying to steal underwear! Great stuff here. Are we allowed back?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Naturally, you are.

Juliabohemian said...

I've never been fired but when I worked at SBC I observed several people being escorted out of the building. some of them didn't even get to collect their things from their desk. I have to say that has got to be the most degrading thing a person can experience. Once the person was fired, they added their picture to a list that the security guard had of people not to let back into the building -to avoid angry gun toting revenge type stuff.

addict said...

Have you ever worked in a tattoo studio?
I swear this is how ALL artists work (if work is the right word here)...

pwapvt (from word verification): the sound of the door closing after security has escorted you out.

Bobby said...

they let go my former boss, a training manager in HR, after having her help lay off other people and coordinate it all.

"Uh, just leave an open spot at the end, just in case."

"For what?" she asked innocently.

"No reason, just in case."

It was for her.

ghoti said...

heheh excellent.

what's REALLY great is when you work with idiots and can do just a little better than the smartest idiot while still not reaching your full potential.

Ari said...

Damn. Why didn't I read this earlier? Good advice.

Latigo Flint said...

Well that and the fact you can't seem to stop yourself from licking the water delivery guy twice a week.

(Oh wait, sorry that's why I get fired.)

Weary Hag said...

I love your DEFCON system. I've always wanted to be fired just to experience the whole escort thing. I would like to pretend that I'm being led down the red carpet at the Academy Awards, giving my acceptance speech the whole way out of the building. "And I'd like to thank the morons in HR who believed all that shit I told them when I was hired, and I must thank my cubicle neighbor for all the porn he watched because it took the pressure off me while I played my solitaire games all day, I'd like to thank the folks who drank the coffee I spat into because they take too many coffee breaks anyway ... " You get the idea... I would have really enjoyed this escort. I'd even hold onto the security person's arm. I'd be so proud of myself.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Now that's genius, Your Royal Weariness.

Carly said...

"who escorts the security guard out of the building when they fire him?"

I heart you

I am seen as the coaster in my department because I work part time and mostly do the administrivia so the programmers don't have to. I don't do anything WRONG... so hopefully they won't can me.

tabitha jane said...

?I resist the temptation to become a “company man.” I don’t acclimate to my new work culture. I don’t memorize the mission statement. I don‘t familiarize myself with the organization’s goals. And I don’t sharpen whatever skills my new job requires of me."

---------

ahh, but do you remember to put the new cover sheets on your TPS reports?

grace said...

there are mission statements? fuck...

alice_the_raven said...

It's like Alice's first rule of water safety...always make sure there's someone further out to sea than you.

2nd rule of water safety - when the shark is sighted, you only have to swim faster than one person.

The new headquarters patch depicts two swimmers ahead of a shark with one cutting the other with a knife.

You got it down to a science.

I prefer the stealth firing. The Maverick missile acquires the slobs thermal signature just prior to termination. "Gus, you're fired. Just sit there."

Boss walks out.

Gus - "Wow, it's all good man...BOOM."

STAG said...

Everybody who works and has worked for me has read this blog...or something like it! The worst was a Gomer Pyle type character named Rob. 2 hour lunches, stoned by coffee break...chats up the pretty girls instead of doing is work. Perfect. Unfortunately, he was the best of a bad lot....like you he walked single file right behind the Colin's and Stephanies who preceeded him in his work day.

Instead of firing Rob, I made him manager in his town. Now HE can hire the cute one instead of the smart one. Now HE can play his stupid salesman tricks on himself instead of me! Now HE can play solitair insead of working because the only one he is hurting is himself!

And get this! He thinks I DID HIM A FREAKING FAVOR by getting him into his own business! HA!

And I didn't even have to pay severance pay. Aint I a stinker!

Bill

M. C. Pearson said...

LOL~I relate to the DEFCON too well! Army mission statements were a lot different though...shoot them before they shoot you...shoot first ask questions later...only use friendly fire on the unfriendly Major. You get the picture.