10/24/2005

Diarrhea of the keyboard

The first step toward insanity is giving a damn.

I often wonder why family members insist on being present during a pregnant lady’s ultrasound exam. They want to witness the “miracle of life in the womb” or some shit. “Oh my God. Look at that tiny little baby. It’s a miracle.” I think family members should wait outside in the lobby. After all, were they present when the child was conceived? “Look under the sheets. Look at the way his ball sack ricochets off her ass cheeks. Look at him pile drive that shaved bush. Isn’t it a miracle?”

It’s true what they say, “The truth shall set you free.” And it’s a good thing, too. You’re going to need freedom to flee from all the enemies you’ve made telling the truth.

“Wealth” is a relative term. Consider: Thirty years ago the richest people in the world didn’t have cable TV, the Internet, or The Clapper. What the hell good was money?

Recently China sent two of its astronauts around the earth in a space orbit. On behalf of America, I’d like to welcome China to 1958.

My favorite thing to wish on bad drivers is for them to “wrap it around a telephone pole.” I don’t know why. I want every dipshit on the road to collide with a telephone pole. The telephone pole seems to me to exact the greatest justice.

We’re always encouraging kids to read. At every school is a campaign asking kids to “read more.” Have we considered that the best-selling books are ones that instruct you how to talk with the dead, how to lose weight eating nothing but steak, how to coax a man to love you by imposing silly, arbitrary rules on the entire gender, and John Grishom novels. Maybe reading is overrated.

I’m amazed at the devastating litigation borne from silicone breast implants back in the 1980s. I won’t comment on the merits of the class-action lawsuits. I’ll only say that vanity sometimes comes at a price. Imagine if men tried to sue if suddenly penis implants made by Dow Chemical started causing cancer and other health ailments. Of course that would never happen because all of us men are so well endowed. But hypothetically, would the jury feel sorry for these guys?

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client had a penis implant back in 2001. After a particularly wild night at the Jug Shack, it broke. Since then he suffers from fibromyalgia. Plus it burns when he urinates. Admittedly, that could be a case of the clap, but we feel Dow Chemical had a hand in it either way, which is why my client deserves 5.2 million dollars.”

The jury would probably think, “What’s the matter, pencil dick? You had an elective surgery to become a tripod and now there are some complications? Tough.”


I’ve always been lazy. But now that I’m getting older I realize that I only have two things pulling me off the couch: fried chicken and pussy.

Let me get this straight. Credit card companies can advertise lifestyles filled with romance, adventure, parasailing, travel, 5-star hotels, fine dining, jet skis and jewelry -- with no consequences to your financial security -- yet McDonald’s can’t offer to “supersize” your #3 combo without being sued for billions? All right.

I’m not saying the guys at my neighborhood gas station are unfriendly, but recently they posted a sign over the “self-service” notice that reads, “Pump your own fuckin’ gas, maggot.”

In 40 years, we’ve gone from “Ask not what your country can do for you…” to “I have a right to free healthcare, a college education, a government-sponsored pension plan, and reruns of Friends on cable 6 times per day.”

Those obsessed with fairness should remember that if an asteroid fell from the sky and killed all of us equally, it would by definition be “fair.”

I think those guys who deliberately park so that they take up 2 parking spaces (so nobody dings their pimped-out Hyundai) should have to pay double for vehicle registration tags. Oh yeah, and we should castrate them, too.

I don’t believe the world is overpopulated, but I do believe that it would be a better place if we exterminated the right 78% of people.

One of the silliest things teenagers do is identify themselves by the kind of music they like. They’ll ask each other things like, “Are you a metal-head? Are you goth? Are you into country?” We don’t do that when we’re younger. I never asked my 3rd grade classmates “Hey, what kind of cartoons do you watch?” “Oh, I don’t like to label myself. I used to get into Woody Woodpecker. Then I tried some Casper, but I found that whole scene passé and derivative. Superfriends is so politically incorrect with their patriarchal social structure. Right now I’m into Scooby Doo. Very progressive.” Pretentious spoiled brats, these teens. The only music they should be talking about is the choir music they hear in church -- after they do their homework and finish their household chores.

I never understood the popularity of boxer shorts underwear. The purpose of underwear is to keep your junk in one general locale. I need snugness down there! For God’s sake, I wear scrubs to work. I wore a pair of boxers once and felt like a great dane at a stud auction. I know tighty-whities are the new Underoos and everybody ridicules you for wearing them. So compromise and wear boxer-briefs. All the fashion sense of boxers with the utility of briefs. And by “utility” I mean holding your junk in one place when you ambulate.

Here’s a little-known fact: You know those tinted headlights? Those are the nighttime equivalent of rainbow bumperstickers. Yeah, it’s how queers identify one another at night. Fast and the Furious gayboy fuckers.

I watched my first episode of Nip Tuck last night. Strange thing. There’s no guy named “Tucker” on the show and there’s no Japanese guy, either. Go figure.

The business world puts a high premium on employees who welcome change, which means having employees eager to develop brand new ways to fuck things up.

You know what would be cool. A hurricane whose eye passes over a BB factory. That would be one deadly hurricane.

If somebody says “no,” they mean “no.” If somebody says “absolutely not,” they mean “yes.”

41 comments:

Heather said...

I use to open my car door into cars that took up two spaces on purpose---before I got a car that I didn't want dinged up more than I wanted the other car dinged up.

nongirlfriend said...

Any kind of Chicken is worth getting off your butt for.

Paul said...

We tell kids to read more, but then they find books that they want to read (like Harry Potter) and then tell them that those books are evil and they shouldn't read them.

ambur lynn said...

LOL!! I am guilty! I like to go to ultrasounds. Next time I will think of you. I will ask myself, "Would I have wanted to watch that?" NOOOOOOO.

The Assimilated Negro said...

I like the first one best.

you must not be too old, because you shouldn't have to get off the couch for the punani. might as well have it served right there.

and then of course you can just tell her to bring the fried chicken too. Or tunani.

Latigo Flint said...

You're one magnificent bastard LBB.

As always... Rachael said...

I thought the purpose of underwear was to keep the last drop of pee or a juicy fart from spoiling your outergarments. According to your logic, women needn't wear underwear ever... or is that your point?

By the way, I make awesome fried chicken. It couldn't be better if I was born in 1872!

Junebugg said...

I though you might want to know that my sister Donna's got a new ass!

Sharon said...

Again I echo Latigo Flint: you are one magnificent bastard. I agree.

And I hate boxers too. Very annoying garments, those.

Weary Hag said...

[sits back, away from computer ~ contemplates the post for another moment ~ applauds loudly for the bug man ~ then slips into sadness while realizing "where else am I going to visit today and get this kind of quality?"]

Ya know, you really kill it for the rest of us poor blogging slobs. Bastard.

Migraine Boy said...

I am in awe of your genius, but I do love to wear boxers. I like the feeling of my junks swinging to and fro like a palm tree in a hurricane.

I love a blog that promotes mandatory castration and extermination of 78% of the population, both policies I can get behind.

Bobby said...

awesome, and I would comment more, but apparently I have to got get tinted headlights.

damn, i hate those things, too.

Lizabeth said...

Man do you hit the nail on the head! I especially like the implant deal, how true. I'm sick of people not taking responsibility for their own freakin' actions and decisions. Crimeny.

Another great post lbb

Patsy Darling said...

Geez pussy gets you off the couch I figured it would only be for fried chicken.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

When you have the rag on, like now, you don't need shorts of ANY kind.

Heh. Hoss 1, Bugs' Butt 0

NWJR said...

Great Zarquon's Singing Fish, you're cranky today.

Scrapping Dani said...

My hubby wears boxer briefs.

I often wonder the same thing about ultrasounds. My husband was told by my Mom you wait here I am going in first then you can see your baby. I was so mad but there is no reason to argue with my insane mother. I kind of pulled the tech a side and said can you politely tell my Mom to get the hell out so Gabe can come in and see his child.

Sorry Bug I have been MIA for a while. Nice to read your posts again.

Eunice said...

I work with a girl that parks her '96 Corolla in two spots so she doesn't get door dinged.

Then our sales rep that drives an F-350 always makes sure she gets her truck in the other half of the 2nd spot to piss off the first girl. It's great.

Sonic Reducer said...

Fried Chicken AND Pussy?!?!? It's like Christmas morning! Tasty Tasty Tasty!

gusgreeper said...

fantastic. parts made me laugh so hard i have now broken out into a cough cause i am sick, how dare you be so funny when i have this damn head cold!?!

OH and thanks for giving it away that you have a BIG unit. guys that need to keep it all up in check need it all up there for a reason in my personal experience :)

Spinning Girl said...

Welcome to 1958!

Boxers just look sexy. I'd get off the couch for a chicken wearing boxers.

Rob Seifert said...

I really wouldn't want to be present at the ultrasound of any baby I didn't contribute half of the genetic material for...I've had both fried chicken and pussy on the couch - of course that was before the hoard descended on my life...I'm with you on the 78%...I'm a boxer-breif man myself - no swing the ding ding...I much preferred quake myself...

RCS

Oh great One said...

MMMMM boxer briefs.......:D

Dave Morris said...

Yeah... what Weary Hag said.

Prick!




J/K of course, more Bug Brilliance!

tornwordo said...

A tour de force! I bow before your talent. Plus I fell off my chair laughing.

The Blog Patrol said...

Plus 10 points for hilarity

Minus 20 for being offensively hilarious.

Yeah, we are still watching you, the BP is always watching you.

Edgy Mama said...

Oh, I so want to climb into your brain sometime.

Our pussies are orange and white. Yours?

Toni said...

There were a couple of drivers on the freeway today whom I wouldn't mind being wrapped around a telephone pole.

KelBel said...

I though it was porn and chicken...of course, you can enjoy porn from the luxury of your couch.

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

Enjoyed the read, a few lol moments there ;-)

wow

Chick said...

...all those people in the bedroom...with fried chicken & pussy?

What fun you must have...absolutely...yes.

Pirate said...

You once again rule with your clever and 20/20 view of the real world. But I am not sure on the fired chicken, even though I like it but not as well as steak. Keep the pot stirred my friend.

poopie said...

Memo: This is your invitation to a FOCUS group to figure out new ways to fuck things up.

Sincerely,
Management

Riss said...

I am laughing my ass off right now. The truth thing made me a bit uncomfortable though. Like I keep looking over my shoulder even though I'm inside.

And that telephone thing pertains to me too. Except I actually feel guilty as I think it but I can't help the thought. Especially when it's some asshole going 80 mph down my residential street in his tricked out Kia Sefia or some shit.

Don't get me started on lawsuits either. "I put this bag of chemicals in my tits and I got sick." DUH, you think??????

AlmightyHeidi said...

First time I have been to your site and thought it was freggin hilarious.

Heidi

Bennet said...

Damn dude!! How do you do this in such bulk with consistency, and brillance?

Funny you should mention Dow Chemical...I just posted that's where my company is contracted at.

sCruuw said...

Now I am gonna be looking at men in scrubs...haha...checking for the boxers.....And I did not know "fags" identifies each other at night with their fast and furious headlights...hyudais...heheh.. You really hate pimped out cars... I just saw an escalade earlier all decked and thought who the fuck would own that for what it is really intended for!

Anonymous said...

A ditch is just as good as a telephone pole.

Alice

Blond Girl said...

Ah yes, boxer brief. The hubby loves them as well... keeps his "junk" nicely corralled until I choose to free it.

Ari said...

"The first step toward insanity is giving a damn."

Yet another LBB slogan that should be riding on cars and chests all over America.

lilly05 said...

Well you just about covered it all there LBB. Damn man, where do you come up with all this great stuff?