10/05/2005

I'm in love with my car

We love our cars, don’t we? We love cars. We derive a sense of identity from our cars. What we drive is who we are. Some guys love their cars so much that after they buy them, they join a car club. You know this guy, don’t you? He wears a baseball cap with the name brand of his car on it. He’s got the matching key chain, belt buckle, coffee mug and boxer shorts. He budgets a weekly detailing service while his child-support falls into arrears. He masturbates to Hot Rod Magazine. And he’s a member of the car club. He wears his car’s name brand hat to the meetings. Sidenote: you don’t see baseball caps with other name brands on them -- Viagra. Nobody wears that one.

What is the purpose of a car club? A bunch of people get together and celebrate car ownership. Call me a spoiled sport, but I don’t think owning a car requires a weekly celebration. After all, I own a house, but I don’t meet with all the other homeowners once a week and discuss the new ceiling fan I installed. I do have an HOA, but they just complain about the length of my weeds and my nude newspaper retrieval. It’s not the same thing.

Car clubs would have been cool about a hundred years ago, before everybody owned three of them. In 1905, you would have been one slick dude if you were cruising around in a Ford. “That’s right baby, I’m a Model “A” man. And all the ladies want my phone number. I got a top end of 22 miles per hour and a sweet-ass chrome crank starter. Wood-spoke rims, standard, beeeotch!” The 7 guys who could afford a car had something to celebrate. But this is 2005. Who gives a shit about your tricked-out Hyundai? Shouldn’t you be getting thrown out of a titty bar right about now?

A recent car commercial shows other cars dimming their lights and bowing to the featured car. You read this right: bowing -- presumabley out of respect to the superior automobile, as if the car were royalty. Who’s buying this steaming pile of advertisement? Cars bowing to each other? It’s a sedan, not the Pope! Why should my car bow to some middle-aged pencil-dick in a Lexus? If my car is bowing, it’s not out of respect. It’s because I rear-ended a Hybrid with a “Buck Fush” bumpersticker. I never cease to be amazed at what advertisers want us to believe.

Some cars are so cool that they have a motorized rear-view mirror. When headlights shine into the mirror, a sensor activates a motor which moves the mirror into “night-driver” mode. What inspired this? Maybe some guys are so excited about their cool cars that they can’t remove their hands from their penises long enough to adjust a mirror. Honestly, though -- do we really need a motorized rear-view mirror? What’s the matter? Are you all tuckered out from activating the crusie control? You know what these mirrors should have? A message that reads “Vain jerk-off in mirror is gayer than he appears.”

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

You come to me on da day of my dottah's car's wedding and you don't even call me Godfaddah.

Boo hoo hoo, what do I do, Godfaddah, what do I do? You can be a car! Honk your horn.

Now don worry, Don Carleone will take care of everything. I'm gonna make him an offah he canna refuse...like oil, brake pads, maybe even some power steering fluid.

Now, blink your lights for Don Carleone.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that was me...Alice

Heather said...

The only car I ever really loved was the VW bug I had when I was 16. It was pink and gold and I looked HOT in it, beeeotch!

mwp said...

The dbag that sits next to me at work named his fucking car and talks to his father (an enthusiast, I guess) about "her" all the time.

"Oh, Lola needed a new tranny after I blew out the rotary girder."

Never before have I wanted a shotgun so badly.

Nettie said...

My car is my child. It's a different kind of love.

chosha said...

My flatmate adores his car - and it is pretty and all. He's a member of the local MR-2 club. I thought this was a bit of a wank at first, but he gets good advice on the car from others in the club (it's a high performance import, so it has it's own unique features and quirks). He also gets a discount at the Toyota place as a club member. Lastly they occasionally do club drives, taking the cars for a long cruise down to the coast or something like that.

I don't want to do any of that, but it at least makes a bit more sense than people just sitting around waxing on about how cool their car is, which is how I first imagined the club meetings.

Anti-Blogger said...

geesh...why don't you and your car get a hotel room!?

Mona said...

Car love....very interesting. I wonder though, does it keep people happier? If it keeps us happier, less violent, off the streets, and out of trouble, then maybe car love is a good thing.

Hard to say.

Junebugg said...

Actually, my car is more dependable than most of the men in my life, which ain't saying much.

I thought it was one of those hormonal things, you know, guys and machines.

ghoti said...

fess up, it's you that has the tricked-out hyundai, isn't it...

hehee!

Weary Hag said...

I've never owned a car that could get out of its own way. Of every car I've driven, I've had to, at some point, defend it by saying "Yeah but it gets me where I need to go."
Do they have car clubs for loser cars too? Cuz THAT I could almost justify.
When I had my Volvo (don't get excited, it was near Classic age and had about 897,000 miles on it) the Volvo folks kept asking me to join their club. I imagined attending a meeting where I could get a group pity-hug and they'd be willing to take up a collection ($400 apiece) so that I could actually GET a tune up. Guess I was wrong, eh?

{admittedly, I'm a little pissed off that I never wore a Volvo hat}

Terrific post, LBB.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

A motorized rear view mirror? Hmmm...I can't wait till they finally create an 'automatic lip stick put'er-on'er".

I am SO there...;)

tornwordo said...

Loved the last line.

And we wonder why obesity is a problem in this country. Every new bell and whistle allows us to perform one less physical action.

Megan said...

What I would like to know is, what is up with buying a $20 car and then adding $175,642, 236 worth of accessories to it?

Also, have you seen these huge stickers that go on the window that advertise the brand of the car? The car advertises the brand of the car...generally I'm not all that impressed by your HONDA.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I've got a yard car because cylinders give good head, as engines go.

gusgreeper said...

i ride the bus i hate it. the most at this time of year because of the pretty much daily rain. and everyone but me STINKS.

but this one day walking to work i saw this dude, in this green porsche and it was COLD in winter (as cold as it gets here) he has his top down AND he was wearing a matching porsche CAP.
fucking loser i almost died.

Dave Morris said...

I disagree with you, sir! You have characterized the car enthusiast in a negative light, and I've defended them as best I can on my blog today... my rebuttal is posted for all to see. Perhaps I have shed some light on what makes the car club member a very special, special person. (no short bus jokes, please)

Again, fascinating writing! And yet, so utterly, utterly wrong.

Melonie said...

Car clubs? Overcompensation for some inadequacy perhaps?

Blond Girl said...

No car club for me - unless you count my husband, my mechanic and I sitting around a dinner of meatloaf exclaiming how easy it was to fix that silly little heater problem thats been defying me for two years.

I do love my car, though. As in "I love my little zoom-zoom car". Why? CUZ ITS PAID FOR! Woo hoo, baby! My last name starts with a "M" - maybe I can somehow incorporate the zoom-zoom logo into my last name and that might be my price of admission to the club.

The advertising I don't understand is when they make a nissan slide sideways. That is NOT cool and doesn't make me want to buy the club or the hat.

Oh great One said...

I used to baby my car until I entered the REAL world and had more important responsibilities!

Rell said...

I actually hate my car, it's a 2000 Ford Taurus. It's such an adult car and being only 23 I'm still in the post-college days where i want something viewed as "cool."

My Taurus is pretty decent on goas though

Eunice said...

pure genius, as usual.

I still applaud the guy I saw once that had a, "yeah, it's got a hemi," bumper sticker on his Ford Festiva.

Chick said...

I'm not in love with my car anymore...the damn thing is into conspicuous comsumption lately...

Can I join yout HOA? Sounds like your meetings are way fun.

nongirlfriend said...

I love Baby Red. She's small and feisty, just like me.

And vain, self-centered and egotistical, too.

Amandarama said...

I love my car insofar as it hasn't killed me yet. But it keeps asking me for money and often makes me take sick days to care for it. There are kindergarteners who require less yearly doctoral care than my car.

Pirate said...

I've been trying to get my car to marry me for several years now. I think she likes the car across the road though, bitch.

Bennet said...

Very funny Lightning Bug (some day I'll call you by your real name if you'd like)

I've seen those comercials.

My favorite stupid car comercial is the guy that parachutes off a cliff and a tiny white caption at the bottem reads:" Stunt perfomed by a professional, do not attempt this stunt on your own."

I know you've seen it.

CaCaBoy said...

Car Club? Wasn't that a lame ass anti-theft device?

Car Club's reek!

CaCaBoy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
As always... Rachael said...

I laughed from start to finish.

The more stupid motors a car has the more stupiid shit breaks. How rich do you have to be before you're too good to crank a window open? Am I there yet?

sCruuw said...

I am still morning my pretty purple achieva I rolled ...with it's pretty neons and decals... sigh...

NWJR said...

The only thing more pathetic than a guy in a car club is a Republican in a Country Club. When you have to pay to be around people with similar interests, well...that's just sad. It's the "buy a friend" equivalent of a college fraternity.

Blog ho said...

I masturbate to Hot Rod Magazine

grace said...

i masturbate to blog ho's picture

Riss said...

We're not supposed to join clubs for things we own? So... I should drop out of the Bus Pass club? And the Mismatched Silverware club? And the Crappy Pink Carpet From The Seventies club?

Because then I won't have any friends.

M. C. Pearson said...

I jumped over from Yusef's blog because of your silly name...so funny. Your post (although a bit too crude for my delicate eyes) was hilarious. You feel how I feel about car clubs...I think my husband would join one if he thought he could get away with it. Yikes!

M. C. Pearson said...

Wow! You visited me so quick that my head is still spinning! I'm about to check out your other posts. Yeah, I can shoot an M16A1 but it has been a while...used to be really good.

Harry Yak said...

i'm sorry, after reading the title of this post i thought this is where we lined up to make love to our cars. my mistake.

Lizabeth said...

The other thing I don't get is naming your cars. I know someone with an old junker named Josephine. So confusing when she talks about driving somewhere. Just call it your damn car. Also, what IS up with the people that emblazon their brand across the windshield. I saw a Neon (a NEON!!) with that the other day. I'd be so embarrassed for people to know thats what I drive from miles away. Sheesh!

Magnolia said...

Nude newspaper retrievals?! Somehow I don't think I'D be complaining ;0)
And you're right, I LOVE my car. It's a gray '91 Toyota Celica GT Coupe and I LOVE IT! Her name is Jacinda and she purrs like you wouldn't believe!

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