10/13/2005

Laughing gas, dentistry and air traffic control

Everybody knows how stressful being an air traffic controller is. Here’s proof. I just read that air traffic controllers and dentists have the highest rates of suicide. I can understand air traffic controllers. But dentists?

This is an alarming statistic. Air traffic controlling and dentistry are last two professions in the world that should employ suicidal people! How long do you think it will take some air traffic controller to figure out that a cool way to kill oneself is by navigating a 737 into the tower he's working in?

“Attention Delta Flight 502: make your heading 274 and maintain an altitude of 30 feet. And 502, don't mind the radar blip straight ahead. It’s not the tower. It’s just some interference. And speaking of interference, do you ever feel that your mother's interference with your childhood has forever sucked the joy out of your life?”

I don't know why dentists are so depressed. What’s a bad day for a dentist? Did all the patients eat Milk Duds and Oreos before their appointments?

Don’t get me wrong about dentists. I’m sure their jobs suck sometimes. Retrieving popcorn kernels from underneath gum lines all day isn't fun, but it can't be all that bad when you consider you have unfettered access to laughing gas. That’s right. Dentists have all the nitrous oxide you could want. No calories, no hang-overs, doesn’t show in a urine test. Talk about a perfect drug! That happy nose isn’t just for the patients, you know. I always offer my dentist a hit when I'm getting work done just to be considerate. I don't want an uptight dentist doing my root canal. And I certainly don't want a depressed person with a tray full of sharp instruments around me while I'm unable to articulate consoling words because of the gauze in my mouth. If I were a suicidal dentist, I’d strap that happy nose around my face and turn the dial to “whiney brat.”

Dentistry and air traffic control both sound like good gigs to me. So why all the suicide? You don't see burger flippers dipping their heads in the fryers or janitors drowning themselves in the bucket. I don't mean to disparage these or other menial labor jobs. They are necessary and even noble. But these poor fucks have to be more suicidal than dentists!

22 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

It is because, sir, that dentists don't have access to the same happy drugs that regular doctors have. Suicide by deprivation is what it's called.

Air controllers have suicide by privatization.

It all comes down to understanding math.

sCruuw said...

lol.. cool... doesn't the laughing gas show in drug tests? Ima off to the grocery store to visit the Whip It Aisle!

Blond Girl said...

You, sir, have a way with words! And here I thought that when a rotted mouth with good insurance walked through the door, the dentists would throw a happy party; "Barb, get my wife on the phone! Tell her to book that vacation cruise to the Bahamas! It's all paid for!"

nongirlfriend said...

Burger-fryer suicides have hit an all-time high here in Dallas.

Chad said...

The weirdest death, not by suicide, I ever saw was a Security Guard that died of a heart attack. He was working in one of those booths at a gated community. Seems he liked to duct tape the shop vac to his penis and look at Playboy.

This has nothing to do with your post, but a funny tid-bit none-the-less.

Bennet said...

Yeah I don't understand the suicidal dentists either.

When I was a kid my dentist had a continuous supply of hot sexy female helpers.
Even as a kid under the gas I could have sworn I'd seen him cupple a few breasts here and there. He was never depressed.

Harry Yak said...

ok i have to comment later. i laughed so hard i pissed myself. again.

As always... Rachael said...

bennet makes a damn god point... nitrous AND hot hygienists?? Cry, baby, cry!

No one has mentioned hippie crack... so I will. I have some hippie friends who got their hands a a pharmaceutical grade tank of nitrous for a phish show. Selling balloons was the idea. But the tank never made it to the show. People broke into dudes garage... were found shaking with blue lips... and one guy went crazy because the the evil blue fairy in his nitrous visions told him everyone was trying to kill him. The shit isn't harmless... hippie crack.

Just one more reason why Phish cannot compare to the Grateful Dead...

Latigo Flint said...

LBB, you have more than your finger on the pulse of life... you press up against the pulse of life with wrapping limbs and undulating hips.

Sharon said...

When latigo flint speaks...people listen.

It's true, it's true. Both about the dentists and about your open-armed pulse taking.

Weary Hag said...

I can understand air traffic controllers being suicidal. There's no nifty 'saying' for them. Here: When something's really tough to do, people often say "Christ, it was like pulling teeth!" You never hear anyone say, "Christ, it was like navigating a jumbo jet!"
I think those controllers who finally do commit suicide are the ones who find themselves, one day, saying to someone else, "Man, that was like pulling teeth." They become completely overwrought in the realization that nobody really gives a shit how tough their job is - it's always about the dentist.

Poor, poor bastards. They need a saying is all.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'd definitly be doing the laughing gass if I had to spend the entire day in peoples mouths.

(Hell, I'm a simpel administrative aide but I tell ya, if I could smuggle some of that laughing gas up to my office, I'd be doing it right now...;)

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

It sucks bad enough picking crap out of my own teeth, I can only imagine what a toll it takes on you working on a bunch of strangers all day.

On the upside, you got the laughing gas.

Eunice said...

if my days were filled with root canals and halitosis, I'd be suicidal too.

Jennifer said...

You knwo veterinarians have the highest divorce rate. Also, not related, but a fun fact.

Chick said...

Ever see that show on The Discovery Channel...Dirty Jobs...I think it's called?

Most of those jobs, sewer workers, animal crap picker-uppers, canine anal sack imploders...eww...I'd kill myself if I had to do any of them.

Megan said...

Who is EVER happy to go to the dentist? If everyone on the planet hated me, I think I'd be suicidal too.

Dave Morris said...

I join in your bewilderment regarding those suicide rates.

As Dennis Miller once pointed out, the worst job in the world would have to be bank guard in Alaska. There are 50 people in the lobby... they're ALL wearing ski masks...

Mona said...

My dentist said that he learned at a conference why he's supposed to be suicidal: it's because he's in people's personal space all the time and they give off tension and hateful vibes all day. He said he likes to be in their space and likes delivering pain so it's no problem for him.

Anonymous said...

My friend Kelli is an ATC. I better watch her.

Alice

The DogGrrrrl said...

"I cant take it any more... why wont they just FLOSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?"

Toni said...

I think that dentists with a sadistic streak aren't particularly suicidal. Check out Steve Martin's dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors".