10/17/2005

Leonardo Da Vinci's genius

Perhaps the most famous sketch in the world is Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. I'm sure you've seen it. It's that naked guy inside the circle.

Scholars agree The Vitruvian Man celebrates the genius of Leonardo Da Vinci -- his mastery of anatomy, depiction of the Divine Proportion, the canon of the human form.

I look at that same sketch and think, "Put some freakin' pants on, weirdo."

This guy's "master-piece" is front and center, and the look on his face is like "so check out the package." No humility at all on him. I’ve seen great danes make more of an effort to hide their junk. Peewee Herman was looking at VM and said “Damn, dude. Tuck that shit under for a while.”

If I were posing for an artist, I wouldn't stand naked, legs akimbo, with my junk on display for all of posterity to see. Although I'd give a whole new meaning to the term "Divine Proportion."

They really let it all hang out in the Renaissance Period. Have you been to The Louvre? It's like a naked bomb exploded in there. Nothing but oil genitalia and boobs. Everybody on the walls looks like they're headed to an Abercrombie photo shoot.

Girls Gone Wild -- the Renaissance Period!

With all those naked people running around, you think a couple of those fellas' sundials would be pointing north. The entire European population must have been drunk or gay.

If I were an art critic, I'd write about things like this professionally. But I'm under court order not to “engage in artwork involving nude models or the depiction of human nudity of any kind” ever since the sculpting “incident.”

Stupid model couldn't take a joke.

34 comments:

Camy Leon said...

LOL! You are crazy. How can you not appreciate the beauty of that dude's penis!?
Ha-Ha! I don't know what thingy you were referring to on my blog.

Thanks for the visit.

Heather said...

So that would be why you chose the Vitruvian Man for your book cover? To make all of the rest of us have to look at his junk? ;-)

I read a little bit of your book every day so that I am ensured at least one good laugh per diem.

Spinning Girl said...

Let's not forget David. That's 17 feet of perfect man. I blew 3 rolls of film on that guy, and he never even called me.

Eunice said...

Well, it's not like the girls of the renaissance were much to get excited about...their boobs weren't even perky!

jadedprimadonna said...

I have always been disappointed by the size of of the junk of the sculptures in museums like the Louvre. In fact, last time I was in Italy, I double dog dared a friend to ask exactly why all the junk was so... uhh... lacking. The tour guide was happy to explain that the junk had to be small on the statues because well-endowed junk would frequently break off during shipping.

Patsy Darling said...

Well, I have to say it's just the way those damn Europeans are. They love being nude. I think it's a cultural thing. All there damn statues and art are nude, it's just weird.

Cheryl said...

I doubt many of them had the perfect form - pot bellies and all that, let alone a range of diseases now curable.

It would have been nice to live in a time when men suffered inferiority complexes next to the media ideal, and if that meant the statues had small and flaccid peewees just to give real men a smidgen of dignity, then I'm not fussed.

I need to go have a good look at that guy's face - given that he was drawn as an ideal (and possibly from study of corpses?) Da Vinci must have chosen the look on his face for a purpose - I bet theres a joke in there somewhere that we will never understand. He probably looks like one of the patrons (err, from the neck up).

Mona said...

There will always be a fascination with the human body. It's all we have to play with.

Great writing. Never thought I'd hear someone complain about nudity in art.

nongirlfriend said...

The entire European population was probably drunk AND gay.

Except for us Irish. We were just drunk.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Naked is a GOOD thing! ;)

Chick said...

I really like your take on this "master-piece".

You're right...he's got no soul. The scholars say something about the symmetry of his various parts...that this drawing is proportionately true...I find it funny that they went to pains to notice that his belly button is the exact center of the circle...but his pee pee (their word...ok...maybe it's my word) is the center of the square.

I have no idea about what to do with all of this geographic symbolism...do you?

Sonic Reducer said...

Large Penis is Always Welcome

Monkeypotpie said...

DaVinci was the original punk.

NWJR said...

Leonardo was, indeed, a visionary. Check out This early sketch of Vitruvian man for proof.

Clearly the work of genius.

Today's verification word: "acykynsr", meaning, "ACK! Put on some freakin' pants!"

Sharon said...

If you were an art critic, the art world would be forever transformed for the better. I love it.

Oh great One said...

hee hee hee You said "master Piece" and genitalia and boobs. Hee hee hee

sCruuw said...

Bugg~ Can I have your measurements for the Divine Proportion? Umm just so I can get a visual?

Oh can I get 2 sets..soft and hard boiled?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I hear Venus's arms were broke off because she wouldn't pay up on some markers held by the Medicis. Is this true?

Pirate said...

The thing I have always been amazed is how damn small the peckers are on these statues. I mean if Leonardo was sculpting me I would have said "Only under the conditions you make me a tripod."

If you want to be known down through history wouldn't want the whole world for generations think you were "Da big man on campus?"

Toni said...

You know what's cool about the naked female art figures during the Renaissance? They're all chubby. Back then, being voluptuous was considered beautiful. Those folks liked some junk in the trunk, not some skinny, shapeless twig.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Bug: Could you please send me an email. I have a question about Lulu. Thanks, kid. I'm at mbenditem@msn.com

Woman with a Secret said...

I studied art in college. My favorite period was the Renaissance period. It was all about shape and motion and discovery. (Plus, I liked looking at all the nudes.)

CaCaBoy said...

Damn sensitive models. I had one report me for groping her breasts. How did I know the clay was gone? I just thought it was clear!

Mike Ashley said...

LOL - very funny. Still laughing.
I liked mwjr's pic of the early sketch! Is it true that old Leo was exposing himself and that is why Mona Lisa had that smile/grin?
...What if he or any of the other sculpters of the day had chosen a circumcised model? Renaissance scandal?

Dave Morris said...

Leave the guy alone. I use his penis CONSTANTLY as an example for women, to show how most men are hung.

Riss said...

I guess back in the day the limp penis was beautiful while the erect penis was ugly. Funny how times change. And how about how none of the women from back in the day have arms? :P

Weary Hag said...

If someone asked me to pose in the nude, they'd have to cut my arms off first too.
I think that's what happened to all those women back then. Well, look at them. They have belly rolls and saddle bags. They had to have put up quite the fuss to show their wares.
I'd like to go with Dave's thinking though; I like calling myself "romanesque" instead of just 'fat fuck.' Thanks for the idea, Dave.

Thanks for a great post, LBB.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Something about people in the art world and a lack of sense of humor.

I WAS going to bring the painting BACK after I brought it outside into the sunlight. Monet was painted to be viewed in matural light. Geez.

Lizabeth said...

Have you seen David, that man got the "short" end of the stick in the flattery department. To tell you the truth all of those old studies in the nude sculpures did.

Molicious said...

I hate almost all art. I'm not cultured enough.

KelBel said...

A naked bomb....you really do get me everytime! That's freakin' hilarious!

grace said...

i hate nude pics ... because the packages are always too small :P hehehe.

Bennet said...

NASA sent an image of that within a satalite many years ago..

Now when the aliens see it they'll laugh at man's tiny penis.

Lizabeth said...

bowties were never cool!