10/14/2005

Non-sequiturs

  • Some guys are hung like a horse. I’m hung like a steer.
  • Gastric bypass: the chastity belt of the culinary world.
  • There are two reasons I’m glad I’m alive today: I don’t have to wind my watch and I don’t have to get up to change the channel. It’s important to be grateful for the little things.
  • Why do we pay the phone company? We don’t need them anymore. The wires are already in place. Screw those guys.
  • Ethics question: You get married. You have a wonderful marriage. Thirty years later, she dies. You remarry. You share 10 wonderful years with your second wife. She dies. And then you die sometime later. Do you get to have a three-way in Heaven?
  • When a woman gets angry, she’s “empowered.” When a man gets angry, he’s “abusive.”
  • Of all the fast food places, I love Subway the most. But not because the food is any better. I like it because I feel like royalty. I march up to the food bar, fold my arms across my chest and declare: “I’m hungry, my royal subject. Make me a sandwich without delay.” Then I scrutinize the employee’s work. “Not too much oil, you greasy dago bastard.” Some employees discourage my use of racial epithets, but I promptly remind them that I’m the customer. “Your green visor is your mark of servitude, and you shall address me as Lord. Now make my 12-inch roast beef with haste, you Hoagie Minion.” Then I demand a free cookie for my inconvenience.
  • You know what Hell is for a liberal? Non-stop, 24 hour shifts as a Wal-Mart employee with lunch breaks at McDonald’s.
  • If I were a kid, I’d put a bumper sticker on my bicycle fender that reads, “My parents have a vicarious obsession with my making the Honor Roll.”
  • If your job is causing thoughts of suicide, embezzlement, grand larceny, substance abuse, criminal damage, arson, homicide, felony assault, helplessness, financial ruin, inferiority, fraud, or pissing in the coffee maker, you’re taking it too seriously.
  • I’m going to found a mutual fund that buys and sells goods on eBay. And a hedge fund that speculates on hotdog cart vendors. Mail your 401-k money to me.

36 comments:

grace said...

check's in the mail :P hehe...

hey, btw - i think you get the 3some because... it's heaven... isn't that what heaven's all about?

Riss said...

You kill me.

1. Yes, you get a three-way in heaven. After 40 years of faithfulness it's only fair.

2. That's the best way to pull the You Are Minions trick, because you'll see them if they spit in your food.

3. Hell for a liberal is also having to actually live in the crime-ridden areas they want to free criminals into.

4. If you add those carts that make gyros on the street I'm in.

Molicious said...

Keep away from my 401K. Oh look, I rhymed! :)

Edgy Mama said...

Steer, huh? Are you married? Wait, scratch that. I am. Just forgot for a minute.

You have so pegged my idea of hell. Please just whip me and get it over with, but don't MAKE ME EAT AT McD's!

NWJR said...

I'm hung like a stud field mouse.

NWJR said...

You know what Hell is for a Republican? Redundant. Hell is BEING a Republican.

;-)

Pirate said...

No wonder why I get the these piss on you looks when I order my roast beef at Subway, you were in there just before me. I always complement them at the end and tell them they are a true artist. This always gets the saps to smile and the more intelligent minimum wage slave to sneer. So much fun. Let them eat cake hahahaha

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I love the bumper sticker.

I'm a liberal, and I can tell you, hell would be this: stuck at a NASCAR race forever, on the track, dodging cars and wads of chewing tobacco spat at me, while Bush announced over the loudspeaker things like this: "Yee-haw, dang, That 'un almost hit im! Dance, lefty, cmon! God bless!"

nongirlfriend said...

My check is in the mail.

Jack Mercer said...

Hey Bug!

Long time. Took a bit of a dive healthwise, but am bouncing back. Good to see some things have not changed in my absence.

Take care,

-Jack

Oh great One said...

This stuff is gold! You should write a book!

(insert book plug here)

Amandarama said...

"make my 12-inch roast beef with haste, you Hoagie Minion."

I always got my giggles from asking for a 12 inch spicy Italian.

But minions were optional.

I kinda wish asked for Minions, now.

Heather said...

“My parents have a vicarious obsession with my making the Honor Roll.”

This is what every parent is too afraid to admit.

Dave Morris said...

In heaven, both of your wives revert to their virginity and their vocal cords have been removed. Now that's what I call heaven.

Cindy-Lou said...

Is there a job out there that doesn't cause thoughts of substance abuse?

poopie said...

I have ceased to take my job very seriously at all. Seems to work much better ;)

Lyvvie said...

All I ever wanted was a license plate with my name on it for my bike....ever try looking for Lyvvie on a bicycle license plate? This lesson taught me to get used to disappointment, because it happens; and also to save my money for cool shoes.

I'm definately going to use the phrase Hoagie Minion the next time I'm in Subway.

If I had a 401K thingie, I'd be sure to send it your way, love.

Mountaingirl said...

very funny.
I want to rush right out to subway right now.
The bicycle bumper stickers are how you'll make your millions. I'm sure alot of kids would love one of those.

Juliabohemian said...

I wish my Mom had been given that bumper sticker. If you find one, let me know...

Nettie said...

#5 ask some cultists about that. I'm sure one sect has a way. Probably not worth it though.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

So THAT's why I didn't get 12 inches. I wasn't oppressive.

addict said...

I really think you could market the bike bumper sticker...
Seriously!

Bennet said...

damn it Bug..funny stuff. You are the ever admired Mr.Consistency.
Now I've cursed you with that compliment...sorry.

I've always wondered about the threesome theory in Heaven....But then your wives would have fellow husbands...orgy sex in Heaven?

CaCaBoy said...

God I hope you get a threesome! Otherwise it's just not worth the work!

dawn said...

I want to pee in a coffee maker more as a personal challenge, not because I take my job too seriously. It's a risky, delicate task that would take a lot of skill.

Woman with a Secret said...

Hmmmm.... steer huh, very intriguing.

Spinning Girl said...

At Subway, I love ordering specific cheese slices as I peer through the sneezeguard at the green-visored minion's efforts: "yeah, that one, the third one down. Oh, you bent it. Please take another one and put it on without bending. OK, that one has uneven edges, can I have a different one?" After about 5-6 slices, I decide I am happy. It's awesome.

Harry Yak said...

i'm hung like a yak.

















thats all i wanted to say.

Junebugg said...

Once again, you're the master!

Amanda said...

Why am I still pondering the ethics question (and planning for my second husband)???

Eunice said...

My favorites of today's post:

"You know what Hell is for a liberal? Non-stop, 24 hour shifts as a Wal-Mart employee with lunch breaks at McDonald’s." That's for sure. It was hell just working 12 hours a day for those bastards.

"If I were a kid, I’d put a bumper sticker on my bicycle fender that reads, “My parents have a vicarious obsession with my making the Honor Roll.”" Love it. You'd better get printing.

Magnolia said...

ROTFLMFAO at the bumper sticker!!!

Looks like I should change jobs... and stay away from the coffee.

Yay for Subway (my first official job) And yeah, "Hoagie Minion" would have gotten you a nice side of lugie in your roast beef.

As always... Rachael said...

Hilarious from start to finish! Compared to you I feel like a subway employee.

Weary Hag said...

If I were so inclined, I'd open an eatery which insists that the staff eat a tiny cut of "whatever" off the food they've prepared for patrons, sampling it to prove that they haven't spat on it (or worse). The patron gets to cut it so there's no shenanigans. Just a bite. Staff would be happy to eat free all day and customers would be satisfied that they're not getting lugie in their food.

I'll take three bumper stickers when you get around to it.

I did see a bumper sticker once that I thought was hilarious... it said something like "My high school dropout kicked the smelly ass out of your honor student."

The DogGrrrrl said...

Love the bumper sticker! Damn, I feel so conformist after reading the other comments!

tango jellybean said...

What a glorious list! Love the Gastric Bypass one. I'll have to thank Blonde for recommending your blog.