10/03/2005

So many ideas, so few readers

  • Maybe I lacked self-esteem as a kid, but when adults asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I explained that it would be hard enough to get anybody to want me for anything, let alone for what I wanted to do.
  • “Some assembly required” = “some cussing required.”
  • Here’s the problem with life: It’s tough to get a realistic view of something into you’ve jumped into the middle of it, but by then, it’s too late to decide you didn’t want it. For example, I’ll bet your career sounded cool when you started out. How’s it treating you now?
  • “Lifetime guaruntee” = “guarunteed to sit on shelf for a lifetime.”
  • Here’s all you need to know about Social Security. Two generations of American workers, Generations X and Y, involuntarily pay into a system they know will either offer them a pittance, or nothing at all when they retire. The Baby Boomers -- 65 million of them -- will make sure they get everything promised no matter what it costs. Therefore, not only are the rest of us paying for a benefit that won‘t be there, payroll taxes will increase throughout our working lives. Social Security isn’t failing. It has failed. We have 535 congressman. Not one will admit this. In conclusion, not only will the dildo fucking you in the ass increase in diameter, but when you roll over for your retirement reach-around, you’ll get a kick in the nuts, instead. God bless FDR.
  • “Limited warranty” = “limited to the time it takes us to ship it to you.”
  • We tell rich people “you can’t take your money with you.” We all know that. But it’s important to remember the same applies for your debts, too. Yay!
  • Some people hate money. I think they’re should be a hate crime for people who hate money. Who should be prosecuted? People who buy Glade Plug-in air fresheners. What are these people thinking? “Gosh, is there a way I can waste money and electricity at the same time?” And what’s with this Oil of Olay shit my wife keeps buying that costs $29 for a shot glass-full of cream. I couldn’t jerk off with the amount they put in those small bottles. “But I like the way it makes my skin tingle.” Well go buy a bottle of Jergen’s and mix some Bengay in it. Save me $20. And how about Starbucks? STARBUCKS? I know, everybody jokes about how much their coffee costs. But they love the coffee. If you drink Starbucks, you don’t love coffee. You hate money! Brew your own coffee and throw a scoop of ice cream in it.
  • “Some restrictions apply” = “we were completely full of shit just now. Please disregard.”
  • Corn is God’s greatest miracle. You can do anything with corn. Cornflakes. How do you make a flake out of corn? It’s a miracle. You can make oil out of corn. You can magically turn corn into a nut. Corn nuts! Amazing.
  • “Buy one, get one free.” = “we overpriced this shit by 100%.”
  • If you want a first mortgage, you have to prove you can afford it. Then they give you a second mortgage to ensure you can’t afford it.
  • Have you noticed when a company wants to improve its image it shows pictures of African children’s faces. It doesn’t matter what they’re selling. They just need to show those little faces. They could be selling plutonium-tipped baby seal clubs to the KKK. As long as they imply that they’re helping Africa everything’s OK.
  • Capitalism is like the Betamax video recorder. It’s a superior product. It works the best. The only problem is, nobody’s buying it.

35 comments:

NWJR said...

Capitalism is like Apple Computer. Everyone ignores them in general, except for the iPod. Likewise, everyone in the world hates American Capitalism, except for McDonald's. Those freaking things are everywhere.

Mona said...

Quite a theme you have going here. I can't really add much to the economic and political scene you've painted, plus it will only depress me...but I'll tell you this: Soy is also God's miracle: it's a nut, it's a bean, it's a sauce, it's a protein, it's tofu, it's milk...the list goes on and on.

Heather said...

I don't understand people who hate money, either. I hate Starbucks. But that's probably because I hate coffee.

chosha said...

'so few readers'

I read. I just don't always have a comment to make.

addict said...

My God man, the things that rattle around in your brain!
PS I LOVE money, and drink starbucks, the trick is getting the java for free (I've got hook ups) :)

CaCaBoy said...

I bow to your greatness, LBB!

I want my "reach around"!

Cindy-Lou said...

But...I thought...he said it was a locked box.

Chad said...

Another awesome post.

Patsy Darling said...

My career as a drunk was great when I started it and even better as I get further along into it.

KelBel said...

You, my dear LBB, have one of the few great minds left. So true...so true!

Lizabeth said...

Corn, you heat it till it explodes- THEN eat it. Did I mention we were the Concordia Cobbers? Yeah, Corn Shuckers, better than corn-holers I suppose.

Dave Morris said...

The soc sec/dildo comparison was another example of adroit journalism.

So was the Starbucks observation.

If you REALLY want to piss off your wife, DO jerk off with the hundred dollar stuff and watch her head explode.

LBseahag said...

i'm lurking on your blog...i see a lot of familiar faces and drunks! in here...i likey...

Lyvvie said...

You are so right! People hate money. I think all those angry money haters should start emptying their wallets and posting their cash directly to me. I'll make sure it never bothers them again!

I'll spank it, tear it a little, rough it up and then lock it up in solitary confinement for so long they're forced into sex acts that make little money babies who'll won't see the light of day until my senior years.


God I miss corn nuts...

Chevy said...

i have nothing profound to say... just that i really enjoyed this post!

min said...

“Buy one, get one free.” = “we overpriced this shit by 100%.”


Haha. That's funny.

Oh great One said...

I just figured out why I love you so much. You are intelligent AND you make me laugh! Thanks!

Molicious said...

Loved the social security one. Oh how true and how very, very sad.

grace said...

i *heart* corn. also, don't you just love the way it never digests so it ends up in your shit?

oh, that doesn't happen to you?

damn. uhm. me neither...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

When I got my first real job, at age 12 (1942), I told my buddies, "If someday I can make $200 a month, I will be set for life."

Well, I did, and I was. My aim was to retire, and here I am. Perfect.

Don't forget corncobs. Corncob pipes. Dildos. Asswipes. Corn is the best.

Riss said...

"While supplies last" = "We only bought three of them. But while you're in here, pick up some of our overpriced products."

Bobby said...

it's the QUALITY of your readers, not the quantity.

Heh. and you've got some quality readers.

Toni said...

Errr..uhm...I bought one of those Glade Plug-in things *hides in shame*

tornwordo said...

Wonderful mojo proving post. Can't contest a thing. And I laughed. At several things. Well done.

Nettie said...

I knew I never liked those baby boomers.

nongirlfriend said...

Honey, you, too, are driving around with all these thoughts in your head, aren't you?

jadedprimadonna said...

"We tell rich people “you can’t take your money with you.” We all know that. But it’s important to remember the same applies for your debts, too. Yay!" - So that confirms it... If I die before I pay off my student loans, I win?

Amandarama said...

“Some assembly required” = “some cussing required.”

The most stressful thing I ever did was put together my "some assembly required" massaging, leather office chair that came with directions that were entirely in Japanese. Wpon its completion,I would have then liked to have used the chair to relax. Unfortunately the battery needed 10 hours to charge.

Junebugg said...

I'm at the tail-end of the baby boomers so I get a double wammy. I don't have much hope of retirement funds from SS and I still get blamed for all those who did. I love the way your mind works. Will you father my next child!!

nongirlfriend said...

Hey, be glad your wife and I don't go shopping together. $29 is not at all bad for moisturizer. One of my creams costs $115 an ounce. Crazy shit!

aughra said...

Oooh, NWJR has a good point!

gusgreeper said...

fuck i love this shit.

sorry i have not been commenting lately im reading it ALL though!! every last word.
the pension shit man i bitch about that all the time....my dad, my dudes dad, most of x and the y's dads are stuck in these shit jobs for their bloody pensions...the ONLY good thing i see of it is at least it keeps our generations from getting stuck in shit jobs..if we are stuck in shit jobs we can leave, they can't.
im sick so sorry if this is gay and doesn't make sense.

Weary Hag said...

I used to use Oil of Old Lady too, till I realized I get the same result from a fresh wash cloth and water.

Blog ho said...

Oil of Olay...yes. sneaky.

M. C. Pearson said...

Boy oh boy...I hate to admit it, you are really funny. I cringe but laugh all the same. I'm not sure if I like money...what is it???