10/19/2005

Three more vignettes

Got pics?

I don't understand why we put missing children's pictures on the back of milk cartons. The only people still drinking milk are kids!

I guess some adults still drink milk. It's perfect with dessert, after all. Still, we should remove all the missing kids' pictures and replace them with pictures of misbehaving children. Much more useful.

Have you seen this kid? His name is Tommy. He's 5'1" and 80 pounds. He's not missing, but he can be a real pain in the ass -- ever since he didn't get a PS-2 for his birthday. Some blame it on ADD, but really, he's just a brat. IF you see him, run like hell and lock your kids inside.



Bowtie Baffoonery

Somebody needs to tell TV lawyers and politicians that bowties are for little boys. Before the age of 10 or so, bowties are cute. After the age of 40, they're a sign of senility -- unless, of course, you're a 40+ clown, in which case it’s work attire. Although many clown companies allow traditional neckties on casual Fridays.

Why don't these bowtie guys accessorize? Work that little bowtie. How about a pair of red suspenders and a lollipop? Wouldn't a lollipop tie things together? One of those big, round swirl pops.

And they could skip to and fro. Maybe wear one of those beanie caps with a propeller. And skip.

Too bad there aren't more accidental strangulation deaths from bowties. The most useful thing about a bowtie is its potential to strangle its owner. Too bad that usually doesn't happen.

Let's just go back to the necktie. And not those 80s, thin, Duran Duran ties. I mean the 1973, wide-body, Brady Bunch ties. Those are cool.



Super Duper Heros

I read that a comic book (The Green Lantern, I think) has featured its first HIV-positive character. This is the first character in the history of comic books to have the disease.

It's about damn time! Did they expect us to believe that all these men prancing around in tights never contracted a little something in the Gothum Bath House?

Comic book heroes make the Back Street Boys look butch. I haven't seen more tightly wrapped packages since Xmas '82. And Batman #389 give new meaning to the term "Battle of the Bulge."

I wonder if now that one of the characters has HIV, we'll start seeing other super heros develop AIDS as well. You know how they are. If one has it...

34 comments:

Amandarama said...

I think that the HIV infected character is actually in "Green Arrow" (Mia, who I think becomes his new Speedy). Judd Winick introduced this storyline around this time last year. Winick was a former "MTV's The Real World - San Francisco" cast member who wrote the book "Pedro and Me" about his friendship with AIDS victim (and cast mate) Pedro Zamora. It's fair to say that the subject is pretty close to his heart.

Nettie said...

I hate milk. But I do like dessert.

yep, it's me.... said...

first time her - ahhhh, Butterfield 8

yep, it's me.... said...

HERE, first time HERE

Ari said...

Hey, you have chapters now. :)

Mona said...

Misbehaving children: excellent idea. One of my friends put a large toy curbside with a sign "Free--from children who won't clean their playroom"

Bowties: you got me thinking of the munchkins the moment you mentioned lollipop.

HIV: I'm just trying to figure out what the statement is there. I admire it, but I'm wondering where they're going with it.

Great post LBB!

Toni said...

The superhero with AIDS reminds me of when they made that Barbie in the wheelchair. She didn't look like the way real people in wheelchairs look (shriveled legs and such). She still looked like a normal Barbie.

Toni said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
As always... Rachael said...

I feel the urge to do the time-warp dance! My god you are funny as shit!!

As always... Rachael said...

Sorry - that's insulting... cause shit ain't funny. Necessary - but not funny!

You are much funni-ER than shit.

MTV ruins everything!

Sharon said...

WHY aren't you President?

Nölff said...

Bowties look good on black Muslim men.

Dave Morris said...

There was a "wheelchair Barbie?"

My friends and I used to make some modifications on the neighbor girl's doll and came up with "Amputee Barbie," then we'd make her crutches out of tree limbs, but that's as close as we came. I guess we were onto something!

NWJR said...

Tucker Carlson wears a bowtie. I figured it was Republican chic. After all, since Paul Simon passed on, someone has to carry the torch.

KelBel said...

I must say that I'm totally with you on the bowtie thing...lollipop and suspenders are necessary with a bowtie. If you don't have those, then you can't wear a bowtie.

Love the milkcarton idea. As a matter of fact, I don't even use the milk carton anymore...just the gallon, so I don't even see the milk carton kids.

Hmm...superheros with HIV? I thought they were immune to stuff?

Oh great One said...

I hate bow ties. Even for little boys.

chosha said...

Lots of adults eat cereal. Or sit at the table having toast and coffee while their kids do.

Plus it makes a great visual aid for threats. "Tommy, stop fighting with your sister! See this missing kid You could be missing, too, if you don't behave."

OldHorsetailSnake said...

People wear bow ties because they have these swell blue and white striped dress shirts with the all-which collar. You wouldn't wanna cover that up with an ancient wide tie. Being able to hand-tie a bow tie is a work of art. I am probably the only guy left who can do it.

Blonde said...

I nearly pissed myself after a huge fit of laughter....misbehaving kids should be on milk cartons!

Edgy Mama said...

Gosh, I've always wondered why I was so attracted to those comic book heroes with their tight tights and bulging bulges. But now you're telling me they're all gay?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Edgy - Yes... Women are attracted to comic book heroes for the same two reasons that men are attracted to supermodels. 1. Physically they are very attractive and 2. You don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever corraling one.

And Bowties for little boys? I couldn't agree more. Every one knows that real men drive Fords.
;-)

Bennet said...

I never understood why old guys with fat heads wore bowties since it actually makes their heads look even bigger. Those old guys with no neck. Yeah the jaw flab accentuate by the 2 little colorful flap wings of the bowtie trying trying to escape from it's own death.

CaCaBoy said...

I wish they would reinstate bitch slapping. But only for dorks in bowties.

The only cool super hero (who is packageless) is the Ghostrider. Now he's definetly never been to Bruce's house of humps! Anything that makes the BBB's look butch, scares the hell out of me!

dawn said...

Changing your clothes in a phone booth CANNOT be sanitary.

Toni said...

Dave- Yeah, there was a wheelchair Barbie. Technically she wasn't called Barbie but one of her friends, Stacey or Teresa or something like that. But she looked like any other Barbie since she was made by Mattel.

the Monk said...

First time visitor...you're really good with the funnies, man...great post...

Weary Hag said...

I like the milk carton concept. Let's put stuff on there that we can all relate to. I don't drink milk but I wouldn't mind standing in the cold aisle reading stuff like: "Have you seen this woman? She is the ex from hell. She never puts out and won't wash the dishes. Be warned."
OR "Have you seen this man? He is the ex from hell. Liar, liar pants on fire! He wasn't hung like a bull moose at all, and the only six figures he's ever seen in his life were on his mug shot from prison."

This could be a really useful tool.

As to bowties, if it doesn't squirt water, I'm not entertained.

And regarding the superheroes ... I just hope this notion doesn't carry over to cartoon characters. I have a certain image of the Road Runner (my personal hero) that I'd really like to maintain.

nongirlfriend said...

I knew it! Batman and Robin are probably the ones who started it, and now poor Green Lantern has to bear the brunt of it.

Aquaman said...

Dude, we're not ALL infected. OK, so I got the clap from that trampy Little Mermaid, but that's beside the point.

Migraine Boy said...

Rumor has it that The Hulk has Syphilis, but you didn't hear that from me.

Bobby said...

i dont know how bowties have lasted.....

even the superheroes don't wear them in their alter ego outfit anymore.

Spirit Of Owl said...

Superheros. Where the hell are all the superheros? The world's falling down, War Death and Pestilence are abroad, and we are gnashing our teeth in need! Where, when we need him/her most, is the Bowtied Wonder, the HIV+ Marvel, Youth Man-She Hero to save us? Come save us now oh Super Gawky-One!

Julie said...

omg! I have a atty friend who wears bowties and i've never figured why! I wish he wouldn't, b/c I can barely even look at him w/ it.

Blog ho said...

plus ... white russians.