11/11/2005

Ah-musing,

  • I saw a sign on the freeway that advertised the “mobile home lifestyle.” Lifestyle? That’s an overstatement. When I hear the word “lifestyle,” I picture a Jag in the garage, a vacation home in Fiji and a sugar bowl full of cocaine on the mahogany nightstand -- not a guy in a wife-beater tee shirt blasting beer cans with a pellet gun of his single-wide porch. Maybe I read too much into things.
  • If “mother fucker” is “mofo,” should “butt fuck” be “bow foe” instead of “boo foo?”
  • Is it possible for a hole to exist without a rim? Or must a hole by definition have a boundary, a container, or a butt?
  • Have you noticed that in movies with aliens, the aliens speak English? Why is that? English speakers compose a small percentage of the Earth’s population. Why don’t aliens speak Chinese or Bangladeshi? I think it’s because they would just look stupid.
  • I was sad to learn that John Ritter died of an aneurysm. So tragic. But I think God was smiting him for living in sin with those two young ladies back in the early 1980s. He’s watching, you know. I wonder what He has in store for that guy who played Larry.
  • Why does Cedric the Entertainer go by the name “the Entertainer.” Awfully presumptuous. How does he know he’ll be entertaining and not merely amusing? I think he should “entertain” the idea of retirement. Or at least going on a diet.
  • Drunk Driver Rate of Exchange: “a couple of beers” = a fifth of whiskey and a 12-pack.
  • When I was a kid, life was a game. Now I’m an adult, and life is a job. And from what I can tell, once you grow old, life is a joke.
  • Microsoft charges $79 per hour for technical support. Think about this. If you have a moderate-to-serious problem with your PC, it’s probably cheaper to buy a new computer. Might as well make it a Mac.
  • If Volvo is so concerned with safety, why don’t their cars come with helmets? And why do they sell them to old people and Asians?
  • A difference between men and women: When a girl sees a guy with bad teeth, she focuses on his nice eyes, sense of humor and sense of style. When a guy sees a girl with bad teeth, he thinks to himself, “that mouth isn’t getting anywhere near my penis.”
  • Here’s a tip for girls: If a guy shows you a wallet picture of his penis, ask him if that’s his I.D., because he’s definitely a prick.
  • Bascially, a business merger meeting is a long-winded, hyped-up discussion that boils down to this: “Why are spending all this energy trying to fuck each other when we can get together and fuck the consumer?”
  • The only time I don’t want to save time in a bottle is when the song “If I Could Save Time in a Bottle” is playing on the radio.

36 comments:

KelBel said...

Words of wisdom...drunk driver rate of exchange, I love it!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

You bring up some interesting points, sir. That James Taylor song makes me want to annhiliate the world and the concept of time, in a bottle or not.

sCruuw said...

I've met my share of Card Carrying Pricks!
When I got my DUI..had 2 beers for real..ANd I felt like an idiot when those exact words came out of my mouth to the staties!

As always... Rachael said...

I thought people lived in mobile homes because they HAD to. Do some people actually enjoy being tornado targets?

I gotta disagree with girls and bad teeth. When I see a guy with gnarled, chompers, it's all I can stare at. In my head I think, "How can this person leave the house? Doesn't he know how nasty his teeth are? How skanky (or drunk) would a girl have to be to kiss him? I bet his mouth tastes like moss. Doesn't he know he's gross? Can't he at least stop talking and smiling? What does he have to smile about anyway? His dental plan?

I think most girls are with me. We don't like nasty teeth anymore than guys. You think we want to be eaten by a mouth like that? I shudder at the thought. The way I see it, if someone can't take care of their teeth, I probably don't want to touch any part of them. Hell, just being polite enough to not stare is a struggle!

tornwordo said...

The teeth! Can't stop laughing about that one. And I love to mock that song by singing it as though I'm balling my eyes out. Vile song as it is.

Amandarama said...

To be fair, when I see a guy with bad teeth, I'm not going to focus on his "nice eyes". I'm not going to focus on him at all. He's not getting any.

And Microsoft can eat me clockwise. That's why I'm learning Linux.

Spinning Girl said...

How about a guy who carries pictures of all his cats in his wallet? Actual cats. Screen his calls after that first date, right? Just making sure I did the right thing.

Lyvvie said...

I wouldn't date a man with bad teeth; who wants to risk passing on that curse? and I never had a guy show me a picture of his penis in his wallet, but did have a man show me a pic of his mother which freaked me out.

LBseahag said...

im gonna go ponder the rim theory and learn chinese so i can chat with aliens and get financed for a volvo...

Anonymous Shannon said...

Lightning Bug's Butt!

Thank you! that was hillarious! I needed a good laugh! You rock!

Quixotic Cat said...

Hee Hee

Thank You!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Microsoft WOULD charge $79 an hour, but only if you can get them on the phone, which you can't.
They might as well charge $1 million.

Woman with a Secret said...

When I see a guy with bad teeth, I gross right out. No body part of his will ever go anywhere near any body part of mine.

Blog ho said...

John Ritter's dead?

Pirate said...

Oh Great one you once again make my pondering mind go to work on the points you bring up.

But this Blog Ho above me always has the least to say and the most to say.

Viveka said...

2 good :D...

Weary Hag said...

I believe Jim Croce had it all wrong with that song. If I were going to save time, I wouldn't be storing it in a bottle. I'd be looking to pack as much of that shit into the hull of a battleship or maybe the basement of the pentagon or something. Bottles - not much room and besides, bottles break. How stupid IS that song? Guess Croce didn't really want that much time, which ... ironically, he didn't get anyway.

aughra said...

cause he's definately a prick. Nice.

poopie said...

..also still laughing about the teeth. I didn't think ANYTHING would make a guy turn down a blojo ;)

Peter said...

I thought Volvo's did come with a helmet, diguised as a cloth peaked cap.
And they must have some rules about ownership, nobody under 60 can get one.

chosha said...

Sometimes your posts remind me of that segment that Peter Griffin did on the Quahog News for a while on Family Guy: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nölff said...

Dude,
English becomes the intergalctic standard language in 3029A.D. Get with the program.

Megan said...

When I see a guy with bad teeth I can't focus on anything else because I don't want his mouth near anything of mine...shallow but true.

Amber Lynn said...

If I could save time in a bottle- lalalalala

Thanks, now I can have that crappy song in my head all day.

Here's one for you-

The love shack is a little ol' place where we can get together.

Oh, this might backfire on me. I might have both stuck in my head. dammit!

The Other Half said...

i am oh so much wiser now..thank you!!! ;-)`

Ginamonster said...

Bad teeth. eew. enough said.

Guys really carry pictures of their penis? how do you nkow it's theirs? Never mind, I don't really want to know.

I used to live in an apartment surrounded by 5 mobile home parks. Never got hit by a tornado, but I did see a van with a spoiler on top.

All holes have rims. hence, rimjob.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ah yes, seems I learn something new every day...:)

Riss said...

Well if you're going to crash something, might as well be the car that handles it the best. And Volvo get so point and say "See? Our cars save lives!" It's a symbiotic relationship.

I think a hole by definition needs a rim, to mark where it starts being a hole and stops being whatever it's in.

The Orchestrator said...

$79 an hour! That's insane, it's ridiculous when mortgages come into play with technical support.

Junebugg said...

8-}

nongirlfriend said...

Who sang that stupid song, anyway?

Dave Morris said...

I always found it humorous to see mobile homes with 7 foot satellite dishes in the yard. (back when satellite was EXPENSIVE)
Ah, the mobile home mentality.

Lizabeth said...

Now if you just bought a Mac to begin with you woudln't have to worry about customer service in the first place. Ahhh and you thought stoners I mean mac users weren't smart.

gusgreeper said...

i live in wife beaters by jockey and beat myself.
and on a side note i totally regret buying a dell...iam now dells bicth for life or until the fucking thing dies.

The DogGrrrrl said...

Duh, it's FU BU!

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