11/18/2005

More ah-musings

  • A burst of laughter is like a baby orgasm. No wonder women want a man with a sense of humor.
  • Why do they call them “wisdom teeth” when you typically get them at the age of 17, when you don’t know anything? They ought to call them “MTV-watching, know-it-all-punk who can’t take out the garbage teeth.
  • Did you hear the actor who played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek is gay? We may want to reconsider the phrase “beam me up, Scottie.” No wonder Mr. Sulu was so concerned with Klingons hanging around Uranus. “All ahead, full?” Try, “all behind, full.” I’ll stop now.
  • If dinosaurs could talk and travel forward through time, they’d tell us, “Screw global warming. Worry about all those fuckin’ meteors.” I also think they’d be happy to see that we’ve found a productive use for their decayed flesh.
  • Progressive minds discourage the celebration of Christmas because they feel the holiday excludes non-Christians. Or that we’re trying to ram our religion down others’ throats. They’ve got it all wrong. Chirstmas isn’t a religious holiday. It’s a warm, sentimental, festive season whereby we remind everybody that Jews killed our savior and that non-Christian pagans will burn in hell for eternity. Merry Christmas!
  • If it’s one thing I hate doing, it’s something.
  • I’ve noticed that car salesmen offer to finance those with “unusual” credit. What they mean by that is bad credit. Ironically, bad credit isn’t all that “unusual.”
  • You know that guy who reminds you to “do something you love for a living and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well, he’s full of shit. First of all, there’s only a few things I love doing -- and none of them is something somebody’s going to pay me for: eating Oreos, watching cartoons, drinking Ten-High, ejaculating. I haven’t seen any of these activities listed in the want-ads.
  • If a porn star becomes impotent, can he collect disability? What if he just has a case of crabs -- can he use a sick-day?
  • How come the more dietary health aides a person takes, the sicker they are?
  • Psychiatry in the Animal Kingdom: “I can’t explain it, doc. I know I’m the alpha male, but on the inside I feel like a beta. And I’m too self-conscious to take a dump in the field. I know I‘m going to sound paranoid, but sometimes I swear I see an upright-walking, hairless ape filming me with a camera. Also, it seems that all we do is chase prey, mark territory and mount females. Isn’t there more to life?”
  • When somebody tells me to “do the math,” I tell them “it doesn’t add up.”
  • We call each other “mother fucker” as if it were a bad thing. Really it depends how mom looks. Is she married? Is she a good cook. It might not be a bad thing at all. However, “mother fucker” is a harsh term. Perhaps we should call each other “matron courtier.” Up yours, matron courtier! Has a nice ring to it.
  • If I suddenly became rich, I’d see how many times I could say the word “douche bag” at work before they fired me.

50 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You are on the right track. It should not be necessary to "chase prey." It should be brought to us.

Lyvvie said...

Yeah! What's this elusive something anyways?
"I can't, I've got something to do..."
"Well you must go and find something to occupy yourself."
"I've bought you something but you'll have to wait to see it."

Something is either a kick in the butt, a big disappointment or countless boring hours colouring inside the lines. I hate it too, but didn't know it until you pointed it out.

Babies have orgasms?? How weird!

The Orchestrator said...

If porn stars have premature ejaculation is that considered early retirement?

Bobby said...

Laughed the whole way through, until the last one. I will have to post my "If I win the lottery, I'm going to..." list someday. I have a list of things I want to try at jobs when I no longer need the job.

nongirlfriend said...

I think you should try to throw "douche bag" in there a few times at meetings, and just cough afterwards. The real douche bag(s) will know who you are talking about. The rest will just offer to bring you soup back when they go to lunch.

Pirate said...

I'm all for saying happy pagen day mother fuckers as long as I get crtedit to buy the gifts.

Arz000n said...

If it’s one thing I hate doing, it’s something.
LOL
Me too :)

Good Ah-Musings there LBB!!
You rock dude.
Keep em coming....

tornwordo said...

If it’s one thing I hate doing, it’s something

We're not so unlike after all.

the Monk said...

as usual, hilarious....that baby orgasm had me rolling...and i figured the same thing abt the wisdom teeth also...

Spirit Of Owl said...

lmao! Punk-kid teeth, damn right!

Ever heard of Fry and Laurie? Anyway, they did this hip-hop thing where they were singing about being "Good Mother Likers." Anyway, I fuck my kids' mother and I'm better for it.

Peter said...

Funny stuff again LBB.

Saucy Monk said...

matron courtier can't touch mother fucker.

in other words, mother fucker is the shit.

NWJR said...

Try saying "motherfuckingdouchebag" and see what happens then.

As for, "Also, it seems that all we do is chase prey, mark territory and mount females. Isn’t there more to life?”

No.

Tell me...really...how does that differ from YOUR life? You chase money, go back to your "territory" (home), and fuck (or maybe masturbate). Sounds about the same, only more sophisticated (ostensibly, anyway).

Lyvvie said...

Husband likes to say "Bar Steward" instead of bastard when the kids are around...

forgot to mention earlier. Heh.

jules said...

Poopie sent me and I'm glad she did. You gave me several baby orgasms with this post....you bad boy you.

poopie said...

When I get rich I'm gonna see how many people I can call "motherfucker" before I get fired.

Spinning Girl said...

Isn't motherfucker just a euphemism for mailman?

Anonymous Shannon said...

A porn star might be able to collect disabilty. It depends on the policy he has. It might cover crabs too. Some policies will pay you for your profession for two years and then will look at retraining you for a different job. Hmmmm. I wonder what that job could be.

Edgy Mama said...

But, ejaculating is what porn stars do, so why not apply for a job as a ps?

I love baby orgasms. And I love that I ho'd myself in order to get linkage on your page. And you make me fricking laugh, you sicko.

Ivy the Goober said...

oh my goodness :)
so love your last line. and all the rest, really... but that one sets my new goal.

Weary Hag said...

Yeah but wait - somewhere out there, there are douche bag factories. That has to be part of their daily dialogue. I wonder what they'd have to say to get fired?

I can't wait till my daughter gets up so I can ask how her "MTV watching, know-it-all-punk who can't take out the garbage" teeth are today? She's been having dental issues lately.

You da man, LBB. You da man.

Woman with a Secret said...

Good post! I currently work with a guy who regularly refers to our corporate CFO as douche bag. I like the guy, I would hate to see him get fired.

actonbell said...

LOL! Reminded me of that South Park movie, and the band the kids want to see and hear play "Uncle Fucker." At first, I was shocked, but then it was hilarious! And so true: some of these "music" groups have no other lyrics than shock-words, and everyone gets so upset about it.

Why is "douche-bag" so funny? So are farts. Why? It's so eighth-grade, but I laugh.

Ari said...

In that case, LBB, you are like the pharmacist of baby orgasms... dispensing them with regularity.

And I'm starting the use of "matron courtier" as the trendy catch phrase in my neighborhood.

Dave Morris said...

Sulu went gay when he first saw what Kirk called "the captain's log."

Dave Morris said...

PS - Would it rise to the level of mental stress if part of our daily routine were to mount females? Now shitting in a field - different story.

Patsy Darling said...

Saying douchebag 268 times in a week still won't get you fired. It's the most used word in my work vocabulary. People aren't offended by it the way they should be. You'll have to find another work. Cock sucker or Cock Smoker usually offend.

NWJR said...

patsy: Call the boss a douchebag and see how long you last.

Toni said...

Ya know, only one of my wisdom teeth came out. Does that mean that I'm only half an "MTV-watching, know-it-all-punk who can’t take out the garbage" person? It can't be since I haven't watched MTV in 5 years on account of the crap they have on it now.

MTV sucks.

Melonie said...

It’s a warm, sentimental, festive season whereby we remind everybody that Jews killed our savior and that non-Christian pagans will burn in hell for eternity. Merry Christmas!

I am putting this in all my Christmas cards!

CaCaBoy said...

You, Sir, are one funny Matron Courtier!

And I mean that in the best mother fucking way!

I'd also like to thank the Jews for screwing our eternal souls to damnation and teeth gnashing! Nice, real nice!

Harry Yak said...

i don't want to pee on your parade but don't they pay people to be a sperm donor? getting paid to 'box the clow'. now that is a job i could handle.

unless what they say is true and that if you do something for a living you'll stop enjoying it. like not licking chocolate after working in a chocolate factory.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I don't know about porn stars, but over here, prostitutes are subsidized by the government during their monthly visitor. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Coming here makes me think too much...I need more coffee first...;)

Blonde said...

I find men that make me laugh HOT. I get naked for ok guys as long as they make me laugh.

Douche bag is a word that is prevelant in my daily conversations. I call everyone a douchebag.

SugarHigh said...

i was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out on 3 seperate occassions, and yet they still live in my mouth. does this mean I'm...BRILLIANT!?

I actually prefer combining derogatory phrases, like "son of a cock sucker" or "mother of a bitch". it confuses people and makes them stop to think about who I may or may not be insulting. fun, no?

Kim said...

They ought to call them “MTV-watching, know-it-all-punk who can’t take out the garbage teeth.”


That was great!!!

Oh great One said...

You never fail to please LBB!

Amber Lynn said...

Douche bag- LOL. Where ever do you come up with all of this brilliant stuff?

Yes, as many orgasms as possible are good. Laughter, sex, it's all important. Oh, and buying stuff like shoes and purses is also like a little orgasm for us, that's why money can be important. I always ask for a credit report before I go out on dates.

Riss said...

No don't stop. I made a Star Trek joke the other day. Only two people laughed, the rest didn't get it. But instead of feeling ashamed I looked at them like they were ill-educated.

Great thoughts as ever, I laughed out loud a lot. Especially over the psychiatry in the animal kingdom. I've wondered about that when watching the Discovery Channel. Is it me or do gazelles look neurotic?

The Other Half said...

as always...pure entertainment...

Teaspoon said...

I wish I had the problem the alpha male has, chase prey, mark territory, and mount females? Sounds like paradise to me.

Junebugg said...

Damn, you did it again! I love this blog.

Amber Lynn said...

I would send you the missing blog post but I don't think I'll repost it.

Jack Mercer said...

Bug,

You are the next world leader!

-Jack

FFFrapgirl said...

Bug, I am here xxhaqxx@blogspot.com sorry I moved it again but had too,

“MTV-watching, know-it-all-punk who can’t take out the garbage teeth.” My one punk been bitching about that..let him suffer I say!

Webmiztris said...

are you telling me that saying douchebag at work is NOT acceptable as it stands?

oh boy.

Sonic Reducer said...

In the end, aren't most of us Mother Fuckers?

The DogGrrrrl said...

There are just too many things here, I'm overwhelmed... and drunk.

But courtier, I like it!

Bennet said...

Very funny stuff...

I think I'm going to be laughing about the impotent pornstar thing for the next few days...

Sounds like a great idea for a new sitcom.

Ronny, The Impotent Pornstar.....Each episode stars out with him drinking a beer on couch near a lit fire place explaining to a group of kids about the old days ,and Big Bertha's gapping hole.