11/10/2005

Nobody move! Don't try to be a hero, either.

I don’t understand why bank robbers pull nylons over their heads.

I can think of better things to conceal your face during the commission of a felony. Nylons have the circumfrence of a lady’s thigh. When you pull them over your head, they smush your nose, bloat your cheeks and blur your vision. You basically look like Andy Rooney in the throes of a bowel obstruction. Sure, you’re identity is hidden. But you look ridiculous.

I wonder if the pantyhose mask is just an excuse for bank robbers to wear women’s clothing without being mocked. Maybe they’re transvestites, deeply conflicted, who divert their inner-rage into felonious crimes and pulling women’s undergarments over their heads. I’d like to see a study on this.

Even if you have the proclivity to wear women’s clothing as a mask, why not wear something more fashionable -- and something that breathes, for God’s sake? After all, you may have to run from authorities. You’ll lose your breath quickly unless you accessorize wisely. How about a Hanes-Her-Way brief across your brow? Or, for the naughty bank robber, a lacy thong. Something that says, “Just because I rob banks doesn’t mean I can’t be sexy.”

I’d like to consider us victims for a moment. When a guy with a nylon head bursts into the bank, are we supposed to be intimidated by this guy? I know I’d start asking questions before I coughed up my wallet.

“Say, I can’t help noticing you have a lady’s undergarment pulled over your head. Maybe instead of that gun in your hand, you’d feel more at home with a dildo."

"Hey, if your head is in panties, what part of your face is the crotch? It would have to be your mouth, right? Why don’t you complete the ensemble and stuff a tampon in there?"

"You should have removed your earring first. You ladies know how easy it is to start a run in pantyhose.”

Has anyone noticed the irony here? One of our soldiers at Abu Graib is spending several years in prison for putting ladies’ undergarments over a prisoner’s head. How bad can that be if bank robbers do it to themselves?

31 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I know! I know!!!

It's because pantyhose are so slimming! Plus, they come in all those cool "tanned" colors so you don't look all washed out on the closed-circuit video cameras.

:)

NWJR said...

Here's the secret, LBB: They only wear "pre-worn" nylons. They do it because the smell of the...well, you know...punches up their adrenaline and gives them that little extra ooomph they need to pull off the heist.

Then, when they get back to their hotel or other hangout, they spread money on the bed and "pull off the heist" again, ifyouknowwhatimean.

Junebugg said...

Damn, I going to go the "crotch sniffer" route with my comment. Late again!! 8-{

sCruuw said...

LOL the irony! I think I might burst into a fit of tourettes the next time I see a panty-hose clad bank robber..And yell Tranny at them!

BTW, I was in jail with Mary the bank robber.. She wasn't a good bank robber.... She didn't wear the panty hose..so maybe there is something to the nylons????

Lyvvie said...

When I worked in a bank we never had the guys pull stockings over their heads. We did get finger-guns and banana guns in pockets though. "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you trying to rob me?"

I like the idea of a gang of repressed trannies running around committing robberies in order to justify thier need and placate their urges. Yeah baby, they'd be called the "Panty Raiders" of course (Or perhaps the Stocking Stuffers?) and the Feds will never catch them...not alive anywas.

Tammy said...

Very interesting observation. Perhaps a thong on over the head would help the breathing problem!

Lyvvie said...

Have I got you all figured out?

Gosh, I sure hope not! *Grin*

Heather said...

I can't imagine what it would be like to read your mind! ;-)

nongirlfriend said...

Fingernails wreak havoc on pantyhose, too. So those bank robbers with that one long pinky nail for their drug habits better watch out.

Bobby said...

what would a transvestite wear to rob a bank? Hmmm.....

tornwordo said...

I don't quite know what to say, but I'm giggling all the way through.

Bennet said...

I don't know if anyone has actually used pantyhose or if it's just a Hollywood gag but I agree it's the dress wear for bank robbing..

If I did it I'd dress as Ronald McDonald, and watch McDonalds try to find a way to sqwirm out of that association.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Dude... You've got to have more than 1 screw loose to rob a bank.

If it were me, I'd paint my face like they do at football games and stuff. That would totally freak the victims out. Maybe have some fake blood coming out of my mouth.

LBseahag said...

i love your mind...

do u think they have to run over to rite aid at the last minute, before the robbery to pick up some clear nailpolish to fix the run in the stocking? robbers like to look good, too!

Pusher said...

Robbing banks, blah! I would never rob a bank. I would get my congressmen to do it. It's only American!

Latigo Flint said...

The scary part is that if properly submitted, you could probably receive a sizeable grant to cover said study.

Arz000n said...

Nylon mask and Pantyhose..
:)

Hey, if your head is in panties, what part of your face is the crotch? It would have to be your mouth, right?

ROTFLMAO!!

Too good.

Only Blogger God and come out with something like this
Hehehe...

Had a good laugh.

One small request. Can we see atleast 7 posts on the opening page as I usually blog-hop on weekends.

Also Archives have been disabled :(
I remember reading that post of your's ove and over....the one in which you post your contact no on a ladies car, after you bump into the car parking..

Keep on coming LBB!!
Too good :)

Megan said...

Maybe they are plus sized nylons for the full figured gal?

I somehow thought transvestites would have better taste (and accessorize better).

Edgy Mama said...

Don't mock it til you've tried it, LBB.

BTW, what do I have to write to get a link from you? How wild do I have to be? What lines do I have to cross? Just asking. Cause I'm a ho at heart.

Viveka said...

hehe...cute post
hmm...thts sumthing i have neva thgt abt...mayb nylons r da easiest 2 find....those poor guys r so stressed wid planning da robbery they dun have time 2 think of better stuff....

As always... Rachael said...

I feel like robbing a bank... right now.

Riss said...

The women's underwear fiasco at Abu Ghraib was a joke. They should have taken my suggestion and used a vat of menstrual blood.

Pirate said...

the irony isn't lost on those paying attention in class.

Toni said...

What if they use a G-string? that way, the string part would go across their mouth. Kinky.

Peter said...

Hi LBB, loved the post and the line, "Just because I rob banks doesn't mean I can't be sexy"

The Orchestrator said...

Wow, that was fucking hilarious. I read some of your previous stuff and loved it. I grovel before you my leige.

Scrapping Dani said...

Thanks for the laugh Bug. That was great. Keep them comming.

Blog ho said...

all bankrobers are homos.

Weary Hag said...

I just don't like when they bunch up the feet at the top of their heads. I wish they would leave each leg and foot dangling at the sides so they'd resemble a court jester or something.

Amber Lynn said...

What if they wore pantyhose on their heads AND decorated it with some headgear like a thong on top?

Dave Morris said...

More bank robbers should be concerned about their image. It only takes a few extra minutes before you walk out the door to look your best.