11/02/2005

One FLU over the cuckoo's nest

Somebody help me understand what the big damn deal is with these flu shots. It’s all anybody can talk about. It was a big part of the 2004 presidential debates. And a year later, we’re still panicking about a disease that’s been around since Eve befriended a snake.

Now the big hubbub is the flu shot shortage. I never even heard of flu shots until the mid-1990s, which begs the question, how did we survive the first 6 millennia without them? You'd swear the flu was a guaranteed death sentence -- like a game of spin the bottle with Magic Johnson.

These last couple years the flu shot has been harder to find than a sober Bush offspring. Evidently you have to wait in line to get a flu shot. If I have to wait in line, it better be for something cool like a new Star Wars movie or an all-nude peep show -- not immunization. Come to think of it, depending who I bump into at the peep show, immunization might be a good idea.

I'll tell you why we have a shortage of flu vaccines. Everybody's heard of Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Food, etc. But I'll bet you haven't heard of Big Nyquil.

Yep. You can thank Big Nyquil for the flu vaccine shortage. Follow me on this. If nobody gets the flu, nobody buys the Nyquil (notwithstanding dumbass high school kids looking for a buzz). And Big Nyquil's executives see less titty-bar money in their bonus checks. They can't have that.

Don't believe me? Remember what the excuse was last year for the shortage of flu vaccines? The flu vaccines were "contaminated." Contaminated? No duh! It's contaminated with flu virus! That's how the hell it works. Any other germ in the stuff is going to die of the flu.

In summary, remember these two things.

1) The flu is no big damn deal. Just enjoy your time off of work and remember it won't kill you unless you’re on the brink of death anyway, like old people or that super-skinny Olson Twin.

2) The guys at Big Nyquil are jerkoffs. Boycott them and make homemade Nyquil. Here's the recipe: 2 aspirin, 2 antihistamine tablets, and 2 shots of your favorite 80-proof liquor.

Enjoy.

41 comments:

awaterpixie said...

I'm not getting a flu shot in my skinny ass.. no way, no how.

Heather said...

I spent hours the other day helping give out flu shots to 1200 people. I am always happy to see the frail, older folks get their shot though. I'd rather die of a quick heart attack than of a drawn out flu bug.

Amandarama said...

I dunno. I did actually manage to contract the flu 2 years ago. It took about 3 weeks to really kick it. I only took 2 days off from work. And even after I was "over it", every time a new cold virus showed up that semester, I managed to get that one too. It really did a number on my immune system.

However, I will say Nyquil did jack-all in terms of getting me over any of that. Just made me wake up groggy. If I want that side effect, I'll just drink. More.

And yet I have no plans to get a flu shot this year.

Riss said...

There are sober Bush offspring? They're probably not much fun.

My anti-flu remedy is to not touch things that may be covered with germs. And when people sneeze near me, I threaten them with bodily harm. Seems to be working.

nongirlfriend said...

I never understood the whole don't-take-tylenol-and-drink-alcohol when that's exactly what's in Nyquil...TYLENOL AND ALCOHOL.

Vodka works best, I find. Except for abscessed teeth. Nothing helps that but death or a bloodletting. Or two long weeks in bed smelling like an old person and vomiting. But I digress.

LBseahag said...

I like gin...it gives you blossoms..scabs you can flick at people.

the Monk said...

priceless!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hot toddies work pretty damn good too. The PK makes them for me when I'm sick...one shot of whiskey, lemon juice and honey. Heat it up in the microwave and sip on it.

Hell, I drink enough of them and ALL my aches and pains go away...;)

NWJR said...

I have a better recipe:

1 Joint
2 Shots of your favorite 80-proof adult beverage
2 Bush twins

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Yeah, baby. That'll make you forget all about the flu.

yep, it's me.... said...

i have hallucinated on nyquil
not good

Ithiel said...

You forgot the absinthe LBB.

Weary Hag said...

Flu shot shmu shot. I say they just divy out the percodan and vicodin. After about an hour on a few of those puppies, it'll make your flu feel like a splinter in someone else's finger.

Lizabeth said...

Thanks for the recipe man. I'm one of those people that are supposed to because I have asthma. I'm still not standing in line for it though. Thats what the inhaler is for.

Megan said...

I have never had a flu shot and so far I have never had the flu.

Coincidence? I think not.

Megan said...

Oh yeah- and tylenol and alcohol work along the same metabolic pathways. Tylenol is toxic. Too much alcohol keeps you from metabolizing the Tylenol and can cause problems.

But its all about the dose- the amount of alcohol in a couple tablespoons of Nyquil is not the same as getting shitfaced on 12 shots of straight vodka and taking Tylenol.

Dave Morris said...

Yeah brotha!!!

I have too many friends who get sick from the flu shots... I've never had one and never will. I find extreme isolation and hermit-ism to be a good defense.

Harry Yak said...

i can't help but to feel bad for anybody that comes up short on titty bar money. i'm sorry i just feel bad for them. mabye i should go buy a bottle of nyquil

actonbell said...

Hmm, in these parts, some store managers won't let people buy as much nyquil as they want, because there's this fear that people are using it to make meth.
whatever, right?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

When, oh when, will you quit swimming against the tide? Nobody likes an educator, for crap's sake!

jadedprimadonna said...

Big Nyquil - huh? It all makes sense now. You know, I've never had a flu shot. And if I have to wait in line, it's less likely that I'm going to...

Sharon said...

Ye are good, yea, ye are very good.

It's a valid point you make about the flu shot. I am supposed to get one every fall since I am considered a "compromised person" with my heart. Last year I didn't. I lived. The kids did get shots. They still got sick.

The year before, I got flu shots and so did all the kids. Two weeks after the flu shot we all nearly died. I spent Christmas Eve in the hospital with my two youngest in critical condition.

If the flu shots work, I haven't seen the proof yet. I suppose it's a good idea. The kids will still get them.

But I don't really care if I get one or not, regardless of my "compromised position."

Champs said...

I am in the same boat as many of you. I have not had a flu shot and never will. I have a very good immune system and don't need some man-made crap to fight off the flu.
A few words of advice:
Bundle up when it's cold.
Wash your hands.
Eat sensibly.
Vitamin C is your friend.

Blond Girl said...

OK... Champs wife here... what the HELL is up with this man saying "Vitamin C is your friend"?!?

If you knew how many times I have BEGGED that man to take a vitamin!

Other than that, way to go, bug! More artistry, as usual.

sCruuw said...

I can't look at nyquil without puking! Eww I hate that shit.. Like your home remedy betta!

yep, it's me.... said...

but, butterfield 8 ....

Junebugg said...

It's all part of the drug companies plot to hold us all hostage! We in the US pay more and have less choices than any other country in the world. Jut go to the Bahamas and walk into any drug store. Why do you think so many people were ordering their meds from Canada before it became illegal!!

tornwordo said...

Here here! That's more like it. Funny!

I got a flu shot once, and promptly got a mild case of the flu.

I'd rather take my chances now.

lilly05 said...

xosxqe
Fuck that. I'm an RN and I NEVER get the flu shot. It's a lot of hype over a money making scheme. I cry bullshit on this one.

Ari said...

"If I have to wait in line, it better be for something cool like a new Star Wars movie or an all-nude peep show -- not immunization. Come to think of it, depending who I bump into at the peep show, immunization might be a good idea."

Once again, you slay me.

Does that homemade Nyquil really work? Sounds like a good time, anyway.

Oh great One said...

Nyquil. It's the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, wake up on the kitchen floor a week later medicine! :D

Blog ho said...

only 2 shots? what's the point.

Toni said...

I agree bug. Enjoy your two weeks of being sick. Hell, the last time I got the flu, I lost 8 pounds. So think of it as a diet! Except that you feel like complete shit for the next two weeks. But you lose weight though!

gusgreeper said...

i stick with buckleys. but your number one is sort of the comment i had in my mind while reading...that is one reason i don't get the flu shot....you get like free sick days cause all the jerks that get the shot can't call in sick or it's like fuck her whatever she's faking she got the flu shot...fuck em.

last year canada was short too but that was cause apparently you guys stole all our shots. ;

gusgreeper said...

stupid thing i had this ;) there for a reason damnit.

Lucy Stern said...

No way I'd ever get a flu shot.. I read an article about how bad it is for you and I don't think I want to put a live vaccine into my body. No no way.

Anonymous said...

Your remedy is the similar to mine.
Soft peppermint or peppermint tea melted into or mixed with Jack Daniels. Gargle , but swallow.repeat as needed, If it doesn't cure you, at least you forget about for awhile.
My parents took the flu shot in the 80's when they first came into vogue. Before the ShoT,had mild cases of the flu whenever everyone had the the sickness in our town. Know we would call that a minor epidemic.
After taking the ShoT,both got sicker with the bug than they had ever been BEFORE. My doc says I am at risk due to a heart episode and is holding my dose.He is still holding last years dose so if there is a pandemic two people will be saved due to my generosity and compassion

Anonymous Shannon said...

Ya know, i think your flu remedy is much better than the flu vaccine. Every time i get a shot of vaccine, I end up getting the full blown flu.

Yeah buddy...
Vodka (to help you sleep)
Orange Juice (because you need your vitamin C)
in a large, large glass. Drink, empty, repeat!

P.S. i love your blog! You have great topics!

Enid Barbaras said...

you are an effing genius.

Eunice said...

personally, I would love to see a good flu epidemic. It would help thin out the population.

Mel said...

The Flu can Kill, it came very close to killing me 2 years ago. It was the only year I didnt take a flu shot. I dont know if it matters but now my heart is permantly damaged and I will get a flu shot every year just for my own piece of mind. The idea of getting the flu again scares the crap outta me! I cant do nyquil anymore, cant do anything alcohol either because of my heart. So take that Big Nyquil, your evil plan backfired haha!

Sherpa said...

i heart flu shots. I'd like to be around longer, thanks.


Nyquil sucks anyways.