11/16/2005

Some thougths on Thanksgiving

Every Thanksgiving I get to thinking about the Indians. I wonder if they celebrate Thanksgiving. I don’t imagine so. The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like their Pearl Harbor Day -- nothing to celebrate. Let’s just hope Indians don’t retaliate with an atomic bomb like we did! Ah, why worry? They’re way to poluted with "fire water" to split an atom. Good luck, Chief Tumbling Dice!

Being a paleface, I love Thanksgiving. I enjoy the way we celebrate with lots of food. Thanksgiving is the time of year I wish I had 4 stomachs, like a cow. That would be great. As long as I had a crapper near by, I could eat non-stop by circulating my four stomachs. Come to think of it, better throw in a couple extra poop shoots. You don’t want to bottleneck the system. If I break off the bigger part of the wishbone, I’m going to wish for that -- and for my enemies to be in pain, and a bigger penis if the wishbone can get around to it.

I love the kinds of food you find at a Thanksgiving feast. Turkey is traditional fare. Cooked correctly, it’s lean, tender and juicy meat. Some people claim an ingredient in turkey acts as a sedative and induces slumber. I’m skeptical. I account the after-meal drowsiness to stuffing one’s gullet with a lawn bag-full of food, and all the hooch in the egg nog. Here’s a tip for this year’s feast: marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness. After all, you’ll need your wits for those inevitable family fights -- another Thanksgiving staple. I always pocket a shard of wishbone in case I have to stab my drunk uncle in the neck and make a quick getaway. That’s another tip I’d like to share.

I love egg nog, too. Eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and your favorite liquor. It’s chock full of calories. I drank two glasses of egg nog last Thanksgiving and didn’t recover my appetite until Cinco De Mayo. It’s filling stuff. We could nourish the entire continent of Africa with a few pints of egg nog. Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte. Drink up. Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person. But if Africans celebrated Christmas instead of Kwanza, God wouldn’t let them starve.

After a huge meal, the family has to unbutton their pants to accommodate full bellies, all except my uncle, a Class 2 sex-offender who remains under court-order not to unbutton his pants within 50 feet of a minor. Unbuttoned pants are the hallmark of a good meal, aren’t they? That, or a really good adult website. I can barely move by Thanksgiving evening on account of my alimentary canal being full of food. But who needs to ambulate when you’ve got all those wonderful Christmas specials on TV? Every time I watch Macaulay Culkin get his genitals caught in the food processor while watching himself in the mirror, I laugh my ass off. “Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” It just keeps getting funnier every year. Some people think it’s the cologne he applies to his face. Not true. This year, pause your TiVo and look at the bottom of the screen. Freggin’ pervert is copulating with a Proctor Silex Salad Pro.

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. Enjoy, Turkey.

39 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

I don't think the indians even think about it. Could be wrong. Being 1/4 native American, maybe the 3/4 Scot Irish is taking over. Or just drunk.

Yep, that's it, just drunk. You know how us Irish are.

(Hic)

Sorry, excuse me.

Oh, also being a vegetarian, I don't eat much at Thanksgiving.

tornwordo said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you too. Since moving to Quebec, I've had to give up that tradition seeing as how it's a non-event here. Thanks for the vicarious reminder.

Jayleigh said...

I have a few comments:

1. high-capacity vessels for carrying diet soda - OK you had me at hello. This is great.

2. ...better throw in a couple extra poop shoots. You don’t want to bottleneck the system. - again, funny, funny schtuff.

3. Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte. Drink up. - Really the entire paragraph, but you had my hubby and me just dying over this one!

4. Proctor Silex Salad Pro - I love a demented sense of humor now and again. How do you come up with this stuff?

Thanks for the comment on my blog. You rock.

ghoti said...

what's eggnog got to do with it (got to do with it)?

heheh sorry, was channeling tina turner suddenly and without warning.

Spider Girl said...

Although not literally having four stomachs like a cow, there are people who through a quirk in nature, are considered "ruminants". They can bring their meals back up at their convenience to masticate further, just like a cow. I just learned this information a few days ago, and thought I'd share.

Have a happy Turkey Day! :)

ghoti said...

HAH! a bulimic's nightmare. lol. "...now you gotta eat it AGAIN!"

i can v'urp if i eat a bunch of applesauce and then lean over (i found this out by accident one day)...
HOWEVER
i've NEVER masticated further. regurgitation is gross enough without adding further mastication into the picture.

the internet is awfully icky today.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I am all for the "four stomachs" thing. Er...wait a sec...maybe not. That'll just give me the ability to make my ass that much wider....so nah, forget it.

And I will never be able to look at my salad pro again without thinking of little penises. Thanks ever so much for that mental picture....ugh.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, right after Independance Day.

If they ever add fireworks to Turkey Day, well that will move it on up to #1.

NWJR said...

Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

'scuse me while I clean up the Diet Coke that just spilled out of my nose while I read that.

Damn, you're funny!

Oh great One said...

Can you believe I have never watched an entire Home Alone movie? It's true! ;D

OldHorsetailSnake said...

What, pray tell, is the National Food of Turkey? Kurds and Whey, perhaps?

Nölff said...

I wonder what they thinkl of Columbus day? Since Christopher Columbus discovered America, that kind of takes them oiut of the whole equation.

Eunice said...

"Thanksgiving is much like their Pearl Harbor Day." When you put it in that perspective, it makes me wonder when they are putting up a memorial like we did. Or do the casinos count?

Müzikdüde said...

I once invited a British Chaplain to pray at a 4th of July celebration.

I suck.

Riss said...

I laughed a lot while reading this post, but also got really hungry. And for me egg nog is always better before and while I'm having it. After it's in my stomach I start re-thinking the wisdom of drinking it.

Egg nog and Hennessy is good, egg nog and Frangelico is good, egg nog and Jack. Okay maybe "good" is too strong of a word for egg nog and jack but it fucks you up.

D e s i g n Girl said...

Marinating in Monster Energy Drink over Rock Star might give you an extra hour or two..fyi.

Are we somehow distantly related? Your family has a few similarities to mine... (love the family fights reference..)

Funny stuff, your blog! :)

Anonymous Shannon said...

Talking about Thanksgiving...
If you are tired of the ole' cranberry sauce, dressing and turkey, make up a new tradition. For ex. a cornish hen stuffed with jalepeno dressing or holiday tamles. - Just a thought.

FatherGuido said...

At Christmas we have a tradition of reading from the bible about Jesus's (apostophe usage???) birth. It is one of those nice calm traditions that I actually enjoy. And hey, once a year aint too bad for cracking the good book.

I think this year we are going to have a similar tradition at our thanksgiving dinner. Before my brother n-law blesses the meal, we'll read your thanks giving story. It'll be an annual event and decades from now, little children wil ask, "Nana, who is Lightning Bugs Butt?"

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Damnit! That last comment was mine... Wonder why it didn't log me in for that.

Heather said...

You have a great Thanksgiving too, Bug's Butt!

Pirate said...

my grandpa was Indian and loved Thanksgiving and the Washington Redskins. He was also fond of the firewater in the egg nogg.

Amber Lynn said...

"marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness"

You should put notices on statements that they might choke on their gum or own saliva from an excessive amount of laughing.

Oh, and I had a second cousin that died in jail from being stabbed in the neck with an ice pick. Do you know anything about that?

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I completely forgot it was the time of year again. I miss the gorging!

Toni said...

I've been to two Indian casinos and they both sucked. All you see are a bunch of old guys and Asian tourists huddled around a table smoking and drinking.

Spinning Girl said...

The in-your-face irreverence of this post is a total trip.

ps I am pocketing a shard of wishbone from last night's cornish game hen in case I need it for discipline in the ol' public school today. Great tip!

kathi said...

Funny stuff. May have to try the Rock Star and No Doze Turkey recipe, just to get people to help clean up.

Weary Hag said...

I say we just marinate the turkey in spiked egg nog and get it all over with in one fell swoop.

Why does one idiot in the family always insist on bringing a mincemeat pie? Nobody eats it.

Oh well, at least we're not in England where the poor dears only get to look forward to a dessert dish called spotted dick. That would be a real kick in the ass, wouldn't it?

The DogGrrrrl said...

I'll miss my ex for Thanksgiving this year... he had the Down's Syndrome cousin. Even dryazz turkey goes down with a retard near!

sCruuw said...

Bugg~ YA forgot football! Nodoze for tem Cowboys and I think the Indians genetically altered that turkey, it has like 10 drumsticks!

The Orchestrator said...

For some reason I thought of "My Girl" when you mentioned Macauly Culkin's genitals in a food processors. I love the Roots reference by the way.

Pirate said...

Burrrrrrp. Is it pie yet?

Peter said...

Now that's good stuff LBB, being from Australia we don't celebrate thanksgiving, which is sounding like a bit of a shame.
Did you per-chance get the wishbone tangled up with the three wish Genie? not too sure you would be happy with the 4 stomachs and theres a no refund clause with most "wishes"

CaCaBoy said...

I don't think Indians do celebrate Turkey Day. And I really think that Native American is an insulting term. Indians never chose to be American. Chez Whitey chose for them!

As to the unbuttoning your pants, I agree! The girls shower room is another good place to unbutt.....never mind!

Dave Morris said...

My aunt's bourbon pumpkin pie is always great. She doesn't put the bourbon IN it, she serves shots and we use the pie as a chaser.

I heart Thanksgiving.

Jill said...

i was told the Indians thought the first Thanksgiving was a going away party for the pilgrims. That's why they attended...now they just order pizza.

Amandarama said...

"You know that guy who reminds you to “do something you love for a living and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well, he’s full of shit. First of all, there’s only a few things I love doing -- and none of them is something somebody’s going to pay me for: eating Oreos, watching cartoons, drinking Ten-High, ejaculating. "

Oh my god. Are you my step-dad?

Todd said...

I am Indian (Native American) and Thanksgiving is great. Most of my fiance's (white)family were excited to have me over the last few years because they have an "actual Indian" present. I guess it feels more real. They go all out like they have to make up for something they never did and I never experienced. We all laugh and drink and they pretend not to know that I am banging the breath out of their daugther. I haven't caught scurvy or anything like that yet, so overall Thanksgiving is swell.

Rob Seifert said...

I too get to thinking about the Indians to whom we owe so much thanks. They invited us in to share in their bounty. Our forefathers gladly accepted it and then took greedily took everything else they held dear...

I too have a love affair with a well prepared Thanksgiving feast - especially that canned cranberry sauce!

RCS

Anonymous said...

Well... that's interessting but honestly i have a hard time understanding it... I'm wondering what others have to say....