12/02/2005

Chewing the fat

You hear a lot of talk lately about taxing fattening foods. The rationale behind the movement is: fat people put an undue burden on the healthcare industry; certain foods make us fat; those foods, therefore, should be taxed and the proceeds applied to healthcare costs.

Bullyshite! Fat people cost us money, not fattening food, which may or may not attach to your waistline. It depends on genetics, lifestyle, physical activity, and how much sex and cocaine you get.

I personally hate the idea of taxing fattening foods. And I hate that we’re singling out fat people, who deserve as much respect and consideration as any other addict. But that’s the way the wind is blowing. So I have a suggestion:

I say we have everybody scale in on April 15th. We can have a big, April 15th weigh-in down at the local IRS headquarters. The scale prints a weight receipt which you include in your tax return.

If you exceed the standard deduction for weight, you have to fill out a new form. You've heard of the 1040-EZ? Now we'd have the 1040-FF, or 1040 Fat Fuck schedule.

All these fat fucks would pay by the pound -- for healthcare, and for taking up too much space at the local shopping mall. Have you tried to maneuver around these people while passing Cinnabuns? They back up mall traffic worse than cheese backs up Orson Wells’ colon.

How’s that for compassion? If the government wants to insinuate itself into our lives, do it right! Make fat people eat the costs of healthcare. Leave the food alone!

28 comments:

PlatinumGirl said...

1040-FF. Hilarious!

CaCaBoy said...

Oh the can you just opened up!

I hate the gov't and their stupid ass meddling into our lives! What next? Sex taxes? Because people have sex, and contract diseases we need to punch a card to indicate the number of times we hit it? Then the tax us for "over" gratifying for the year!

Bastards!

Amber Lynn said...

I would vote for you for president. hands down.

The Orchestrator said...

Another completely unprejudice post, I wholeheartedly agree with you though. Very funny...[Chokes down some McDonalds] So not true though.

tornwordo said...

I love it when you're blasphemous.

nongirlfriend said...

I just watched "Supersize Me" for the first time last night and have completely gone off my feed.

Not that I'm fat, or eat fast food (should we call it "fat food" now?), but ick. That guy did more damage to his liver in one month than I did in two years of binge drinking. And I had more fun doing it.

And didn't have to eat at McD's.

I agree, don't punish Pepsi because some people have no self-control.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

You know whats funny? Our advertising in this country use to focus on SuperModels selling everything. Fat people complained that watching Cindy Crawford gorge down a What-A-Meal was setting and unfair standard on beauty and was promoting that you could eat lots of crappy food and look like that.

Then madison Avenue (Ad Central) changed. They started showing real people eating this food. Now we see fat people in Burger King commercials.

And the fat people are upset because it makes it "acceptable" to be fat and encourages that behavior by normalizing fatness in our culture.

WTF!!! How can they bitch so damn much with all that food in their mouth?

Oh, not that anyone here is easily offended... I'm 6'1" and 250 pounds. That makes me obese.

jules said...

So THAT's my problem....not enough sex and cocaine! I'm off to the Harry Hines Blvd. where I can get both. Thanks LB.

Junebugg said...

Of course, income tax is illegal anyway, it was a temporary thing and Uncle Sam said "Whoa, money! Give me".

Don't forget to add a sliding age scale to the fat tax. Us old folks need all the help we can get!

Heather said...

Would you please run for president?

FFFrapgirl said...

I soooo want to deliver these 1040 FF's!!!!!!!!!! With a big ole smile!

Amandarama said...

Cool...so, in theory, Oprah and Ralphie May could then pay off our entire national debt, yes?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hmmm. How about this:

"Sidney Greenstreet, famous as the bad guy in 'Maltese Falcon,' died a pauper in Needles, Calif., today.

"He finally couldn't pay the Fat Tax," his family said....

Dave Morris said...

Is Orson Welles not dead?

As always... Rachael said...

HAs this idea really been proposed?? Where have I been? That's fucking ludicrous to tax unhealthy food. I'm with you on this one.

But I have to wonder how you're getting away with this? I posted some "fat" opinions a few months ago and I was berated with people (anonymous of course) telling me I was evil, fat people are people too, and most fat people can't help but be fat. Most? Sorry, I don't buy it. They acted like I hated fat folks - which I do not (I live in Wisconsin, all my friend are fat!!) Bratwurst with cheese anyone?

Sudiegirl said...

I'm fat, but try to deal with it the best I can and not insinuate my health problems onto the american public.

I think taxing fattening foods is one of the dumbest ideas too...because it just is. Tax the fat cats instead!

Sudiegirl

Jo said...

How in the hell have you not been lynched by a mob of angry weight-challenged people yet?

But since we're talking smack, I think I (a mere 115 pounds) should be able to carry more luggage onto planes than fat people do. They should change the rules so that the passenger has to get on the scale with the bags. That's the FAIR way to do it :-)

Hulabelly said...

I agree with you that blameshifting is not going to make overweight/obese people any thinner, and that food doesn't need to be taxed, "junk" or not. But I don't think overweight/obese people should be taxed for being fat.. I think the daily ridicule they get from the rest of us in society is taxing enough.
However, let's take your half-joking suggestion (I know you do it for laughs!) and think about it. You can't just tax people for being fat, you'd have to initiate a government service to overweight people with the tax money they've spent- a program to help them have better lifestyles, so that the government doesn't get sued, or so that we don't have a nation of anorexics.
Again, I realize you are making a joke, but frankly, I'm a little disappointed in it. You're capable of being so much more clever than this.

Miss Cellania said...

Oy, I know its a joke, but don't fat people have enough trouble already?

Latigo Flint said...

Hey, long as we're setting policy here--I wouldn't mind a little ease up on the 300% tax that's been slapped on my smokes.

Weary Hag said...

(thank you Latigo Flint - good point)

If we're going to nail fat people to the tax wall, can we include fuglies too?

"Well sir, you're about 42% ugly, step to the line on the left and await calculation please."

Kukka-Maria said...

I don't appreciate sudiegirl's comment about taxing "Fat Cats."

I, for one, am a feline with some junk in my trunk.

What did I ever do to you that you want my money?

Bouncie said...

Society is going down the tubes!

NWJR said...

It's none of your goddamn business how much I weigh. If you don't like the way I look, turn your fucking head around, or admire your skinny-assed body in the mirror at home. Likewise, it's none of your business whom I fuck, what political party I belong to, what God I worship, or whether or not I smoke.

Honestly, don't you people have anything better to do?

I say we tax wiseass bloggers.

(BTW: I get the joke. Really.)

Spirit Of Owl said...

I'm glad I live in the UK, where the obese can still run wild and free.

Ginamonster said...

the only issue I have with your post is this,

That according to whoever makes up the numbers, I am fat, bordering on obese. While I admit that I would like to lose a few pounds, I am not really heavy due to junk food, I'm a muscular woman. and I have big boobs. Would the government be willing to take a deduction on the fat tax for DD's?

Rell said...

LOL! you never stop do you?

Eddo said...

1040-FF - Oh no you didn't. That was funny - I don't use the F word, but that is still funny.