12/08/2005

Could a CAR fit in Santa's bag?

I saw an ad on TV tonight that encouraged buying your spouse a Mercedes for Christmas. A car. A luxury car. For Christmas.

When did a luxury car become a reasonable request for a Christmas gift? I know the economy is doing well. But can people afford cars as gifts nowadays? If so, I’m going to have to get a second job. I’m having trouble scraping together the cash for a remote-control car for my kid.

Let’s say you are asking for a car this Christmas. How do you bring that up to your spouse?

"Honey, this Christmas I’d like a new car. Nothing too fancy. Something in a Mercedes sedan. Oh, and if you have time, can you pick me up a 2-carat diamond ring with a platinum setting, 10,000 shares of Bethlehem Steel, a summer home in Fiji, and a can of Planters Sweet 'n' Crunchy peanuts. I love those."

I'm pushing my luck just asking for a Christmas blow job. But I persist. Last year I got one by convincing my wife that my jism would taste like cookie dough on account of all the Christmas cookies I’d been eating. She fell for it. This is what they mean when they recommend you get “creative” in bed to keep things “fresh.” Take that, Cosmopolitan!

A few Christmases ago, I asked for a GameBoy. The wife eventually caved, but I spent the entire holiday season in suspense. Those Gameboys were pricy. I gave it a 50%-50% chance. I got the Gameboy -- and a Christmas hummer, come to think of it -- but a car is simply out of the question!

If your spouse can afford to buy you a Mercedes for Christmas, then you don't need to wait until Christmas for a Mercedes. You know what I mean?

Christmas is all about toys. Even though I’m an adult, I still want to find toys under the tree on Christmas morning. Today’s toys are more complex than the ones from my childhood. When I was young, we had pogo sticks, Slip-n-Slides, and the Sit-and-Spin. Most of the toys we had involved bouncing up and down or spinning in a circle. The Slinky was a high-tech toy in my day. Here’s some free advice: don’t try to have sex with one of those.

Today's kids are landing 747s at LAX on a Game Cube flight simulator. These little Nintendo-playin' bastards wouldn't know a Sit-and-Spin from a Speak-n-Spell.

I long for the good ole days when toys caused head trauma or vomiting. Nowadays, the worst injury a kid sustains is spraining his Cheetos-laden button finger while killing hookers in a game of Grand Theft Auto.

I feel cheated.

33 comments:

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Indeed. What happened to toys with projectile parts, the ones that parents were always threatening would "poke your eye out?"

tornwordo said...

Hey, yeah I feel cheated too. But mostly I feel cheated that the internet with it's overflowing images of naked people didn't exist during my adolescence.

jules said...

Thanks for the warning about the slinky. That was on my list for this weekend's sexcapades.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I know just what you mean. I feel SO ancient when I tell my nieces...."Back when I was a kid, we didn't have toys like that. You actually had to peddle your Big Wheel!" (I say that as they try to crush my toes with their battery powered Barbie Jeep).

I don't want toys so much as medical procedures....like lipo and breast augmentation. Now there's a couple gift certificates that (should he put them in my stocking this year) would get The Peanut King blow jobs several times a week for the rest of his life.

Of course, I could get into the whole toy idea....but they're not the kind of toys you're gonna find at Wal-Mart...;)

Heather said...

I keep seeing that damn commercial every time I turn around. Like anyone is going to go from getting him a golf bag to a Mercedes. And why is that giant bow on that gate in the first place? Just an annoying commercial.

Anonymous said...

I tried to have sex with a Slinky once, but I couldn't get the slinky to stretch out far enough.

Junebugg said...

Can you say "Reindeer Hernia" anyone??

I want a naked slaveboy for Christmas. Leather harness would be a nice extra.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I found this billboard and it made me think of you, LBB....

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/billboards88b.htm

Ahhhh, to be a kid again! :)

mwp said...

I'm with you, LBB. It's a cliche to say that kids today are spoiled, but it's definitely true.

Give me an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle and I'm a pig in shit.

Amandarama said...

My dad was too cheap to get us a slip-n-slide. We got a plastic tarp, a garden hose and friction burn.

Molicious said...

I asked for a house. But I actually got it. Oh well. :)

I still won't give a blowjob for Christmas.

Blonde said...

Good observation about the Mercedes, however...why do you have to ask for a Christmas Blowjob? Blowjobs are part of the marital contract therefore, you should be getting them all of the time. When it comes to sex and sexually activities, holidays do not count as a time of giving. It should be given up all of the time.

Just my 2 cents. Also, I am available for marriage and I guarantee a Wake Up Hummer every morning instead of the brain piercing ring of a pesky alarm clock

Ginamonster said...

I'm with Blonde. Why are we still single?

Pirate said...

I feel cheated if you're getting holiday hummers. After 20 years of well know territory, I even beg well not beg, threaten forcefully, for a hand job.

Merry fucking Christmas now that you have made me envious.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Yeah, the car commercials are over the top this year. The one I've seen shows a guy in a jewelry store who turns around to see the car. That was quite a jump in a Christmas budget!

Yes, LBB. All wives know that their husbands are truly little boys at heart who love toys as much as the little ones do.:)

rebecca marie said...

i got a lexus last year from my husband. it was amazing... just like the commercials. they seriously do it like that. he had pre arranged for them to deliver it in the middle of the night, and they literally put the big bow on. i can't imagine what they have to pay in overtime on christmas eve to get these deliveries done. seriously, the bow alone has to cost some serious cash. the only thing that was different from the commercials is that there was no snow. i've only seen one white christmas in 32 years of christmases in milwaukie, and in the lexus commercials there is snow. details, details.





(disclaimer - the above comment was comrpised of lies.)

rebecca marie said...

that's not a misspelling, by the way... that's milwaukie oregon, not wisconsin.

FFFrapgirl said...

Where is that damn mailman with the ps2 for my calloused thumbed kids! Lucky fuckers arent they!

The Orchestrator said...

I've never heard the word "jism" in a post before. I must say that was pretty fucking funny, and I know where you're coming from with those slinkies. The plastic ones aren't AS bad, they cause less bleeding. I hate to advertise but please visit the New Question of the Week http://queerinquisition.blogspot.com

Dave Morris said...

Ah, the Christmas BJ. You've moved me to tears, my friend. I will make an effort for one again this year by hanging out at the mall with mistletoe taped to my navel, but that seldom does more than get me free meal, a place to sleep for the night, and inky fingers.

HizzleThizzle said...

Oh the sit and sp[in. We never used that in its proper manner. We used to lay on the top and then have someone spin us off.

Oh the good ole days when I got stitches once a month.

kellywalters said...

I'm buying myself a car!

Toni said...

"I got one by convincing my wife that my jism would taste like cookie dough on account of all the Christmas cookies I’d been eating."

She must have been really disappointed to find that it still tasted like regular old asparagus.

Spirit Of Owl said...

Buckaroo!

CaCaBoy said...

BRILLIANT!

I must use the cookie dough ploy! I can't believe I hadn't thought of that before! Oh, oh wait! I'll tell her it tastes like cappuccino latte! Hello Christmas blow job, here I cum!

Heather said...

I got my kid an excavation kit so he can learn about how archaeologists excavate and construct fossils. I refuse to buy video games. However, his dad never can resist getting him a few gameboy games.

Merry Christmas, LBB!

Bobby said...

cars for christmas. sigh.

i would like a new house this year. for christmas. and I want a big bow around the roof.

poopie said...

Sit and spin was one of the most brilliant things ever invented. You PAID for something for a kid to get sick on. As for the Christmas hummer, what's your selling point this year?

Harry Yak said...

if you really want to push your luck this year ask for a christmas blowjob and then a 'sit-n-spin'. *wink* *wink*

Amber Lynn said...

You have said it all so perfectly that I have nothing to say.

Karen said...

A Mercedes? Not in my life time LOL

As for the spooge, forget about cookies, eat a banana a day, it works the best. Maybe you can try it again this year LOL

gusgreeper said...

toys all the way it was ALL I HAD not to buy MYSELF a tumble time tiger the other day. but i restrained...for now.

Lizabeth said...

Can a bj be a stocking stuffer? I didn't know I was supposed to give those for Christmas. Maybe its one of those things he jsut doesn't know how to add to his "wish list". Hmm, surprises are always good.

PS Is it necessary for that word verification thing to make it so hard for me to read the letters I can barely pass the test?