When did a luxury car become a reasonable request for a Christmas gift? I know the economy is doing well. But can people afford cars as gifts nowadays? If so, I’m going to have to get a second job. I’m having trouble scraping together the cash for a remote-control car for my kid.
Let’s say you are asking for a car this Christmas. How do you bring that up to your spouse?
"Honey, this Christmas I’d like a new car. Nothing too fancy. Something in a Mercedes sedan. Oh, and if you have time, can you pick me up a 2-carat diamond ring with a platinum setting, 10,000 shares of Bethlehem Steel, a summer home in Fiji, and a can of Planters Sweet 'n' Crunchy peanuts. I love those."
I'm pushing my luck just asking for a Christmas blow job. But I persist. Last year I got one by convincing my wife that my jism would taste like cookie dough on account of all the Christmas cookies I’d been eating. She fell for it. This is what they mean when they recommend you get “creative” in bed to keep things “fresh.” Take that, Cosmopolitan!
A few Christmases ago, I asked for a GameBoy. The wife eventually caved, but I spent the entire holiday season in suspense. Those Gameboys were pricy. I gave it a 50%-50% chance. I got the Gameboy -- and a Christmas hummer, come to think of it -- but a car is simply out of the question!
If your spouse can afford to buy you a Mercedes for Christmas, then you don't need to wait until Christmas for a Mercedes. You know what I mean?
Christmas is all about toys. Even though I’m an adult, I still want to find toys under the tree on Christmas morning. Today’s toys are more complex than the ones from my childhood. When I was young, we had pogo sticks, Slip-n-Slides, and the Sit-and-Spin. Most of the toys we had involved bouncing up and down or spinning in a circle. The Slinky was a high-tech toy in my day. Here’s some free advice: don’t try to have sex with one of those.
Today's kids are landing 747s at LAX on a Game Cube flight simulator. These little Nintendo-playin' bastards wouldn't know a Sit-and-Spin from a Speak-n-Spell.
I long for the good ole days when toys caused head trauma or vomiting. Nowadays, the worst injury a kid sustains is spraining his Cheetos-laden button finger while killing hookers in a game of Grand Theft Auto.
I feel cheated.