12/16/2005

Firing off more bullets

  • I overdosed on placebos last Wednesday. It turns out I only thought I overdosed.
  • Speaking of placebos, did you know they’re typically sugar pills? Why sugar? You want the placebo to fool the person taking it. You’re not going to fool them if the pill tastes good. Pills aren’t supposed to taste good. They’re supposed to taste like powdered battery acid. If I’m ever in an experimental group and the tester gives me a sweet-tasting pill, I’m gonna give him a double-blind punch in the gut.
  • Sometimes, just to freak my wife out, I’ll take my shirt off, stand in front of our mirror, look myself in the eye and say “Rule #1: Don’t talk about Fight Club. Rule #2: DO NOT talk about Fight Club.”
  • Catch 22: Let’s say you’ve got a cold. You can’t inhale through your nose without nasal spray, but you can’t administer nasal spray without inhaling through your nose. Boogers and whatnot.
  • Due to your municipality’s commitment to the separation of Church and State, red-and-green traffic control devices have been banned around the non-denominational holiday season. From now until February 1st, all traffic lights will shine crimson for STOP, and lime for GO. The yellow CAUTION light will be amber. Drive safely and have a happy non-denominational holiday season.
  • I don’t see why companies install hidden cameras and microphones to eavsdrop on employees. If they want to learn the truth fill the water cooler with gin.
  • When people say they “want nice things,” what they mean is “nicer things than others.” After all, everything we have today is pretty nice.
  • Unless you’re Helen Keller or Tommy, you’re AWARE of AIDS and breast cancer. Now can we stop with the commercials, run/walks and wristbands?
  • I’m never so proud as when I read what I just wrote. I’m never so embarrassed as when I read what I wrote a year ago.
  • I know sometimes it seems that women have to put up with more than men. But ladies, here’s something to cheer you up: it’s much easier for women to simulate a penis than it is for men to simulate a vagina.

32 comments:

Pisser said...

It IS....?

Hello, lamp post!

Teaspoon said...

damnit missed the first post by a few minutes. *snaps fingers*

I ran the Stop sign officer because I was looking for the red sign not the crimson one.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh that is so dumb. Couple slices of liver (or a big one folded over), with some bear hair attached with Super Glue and you got the best merkin in the world. Where'd you go to school?

StringMan said...

Fun stuff! I nominate nasal spray (12hr) as the product of the century. Amazing how breathing improves your mood.

nongirlfriend said...

Your double-blind, placebo-controlled brilliance never ceases to amaze me.

Smartypants said...

When I read your last bullet point, I inadvertently read 'simulate' as 'stimulate.'

The statement reads true either way.

Anonymous Shannon said...

I like the idea of gin in the water cooler; however, gin has an oily after taste. We probably oughta go with Everclear for that idea!

As always... Rachael said...

LMAO at double blind punch in the gut! With gin in the water cooler,I wonder if people would have worse,or better attendance records?

Lyvvie said...

1. I like sugar, I don't care.

2. I'll have yours if you're going to be all pissy about it!

3. Be wary of her memorising the Vagina Monologues.

4. I *hate* when that happens.

5. I think it's stupid the Brits call the yellow light amber, even if it is covered in bugs, it's not semi-precious and they don't call the crimson one ruby, or the lime one emerald, either. I can't stand inconsistency.

6. Gin and sugar? Are you hiring?

7. People who talk like that better have arson insurance.

8. Ugh, yes! I've never worn a wristband, ribbon, or other doohicky to show my support for any of those charities; I give them cash and tell to keep the doohicky - it cost them money to make them!

9. I have the book to prove it.

10. I read stimulate too, and though "Hang on...!"

I do adore you so! Even if your blog did stiff me with the 8 letter password.

Junebugg said...

Could you e-mail the gin idea to IP? I seem to be living there and visiting work. Gin would improve things wonderfully or at least make me not give a shit.

tornwordo said...

Those were good. I especially liked the proud writing/embarassed writing point, so true!

Anonymous said...

"it’s much easier for women to simulate a penis than it is for men to simulate a vagina"

That's why women have mouths.

(I can't believe I just wrote that...)

Spinning Girl said...

I wish traffic lights were ecru.

poopie said...

Oh..well I feel so much better now.

jules said...

Laughing hard at the truth in the last one. Although men do have the advantage of peeing standing up.

Amandarama said...

" ...don’t see why companies install hidden cameras and microphones to eavsdrop on employees. If they want to learn the truth fill the water cooler with gin... "

Or just drop some roofies in the water cooler. No smell, no taste - just pure, yummy honesty...and then the passing out...

Melonie said...

Merry Christmas, oops, I mean:

Have a crimson and lime holiday season!

Heather said...

"I’m never so proud as when I read what I just wrote. I’m never so embarrassed as when I read what I wrote a year ago."

I am the same way. I re-read my new posts and feel so happy. I wanna disappear when I read my old ones!

Feliz Navidad!

The Orchestrator said...

Ohhh if you only know the pains I go through to simulate a vagina.

NWJR said...

LBB: You can simulate a vagina if you like, I prefer to STIMULATE them.

Heh.

Oh great One said...

*bowing* I'm not worthy!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oooo....I love that "gin water cooler" idea....;)

Yum.

Dave Morris said...

It was clear to me from the very beginning you were referring to simulation, not sTimulation. Who cares about stimulating them?

;)

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Lizabeth said...

I will keep a look out for those new traffic colors. Its about time I can stop being offended when the light turns from red to green and all I think of is Christmas.

Nölff said...

Diabetics are afraid of sugar pills. Trust me, I know.

Toni said...

You know what'd be great? If the placebo pills were actually Flintstone chewable vitamins. Hey, it may not cure your cancer, but they' keep 10 million strong...and gro-wingggg.

SugarHigh said...

sweet lord that was funny. the gin cooler is an excellent idea, but let's make it vodka...mmmmm, vodka.

Ari said...

As a healthcare professional, you really should post first aid suggestions for busted guts after picturing you freaking your wife, fight club style.

Amber Lynn said...

Funny as always!

Wenchy said...

You should see us in Africa... we have that entire Aids bit covered... on huge bill boards.. adverts on TV, magazines, everywhere you go 7 year old who just got to read is asking "What is a condom?"

Fucking hell.

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