12/05/2005

I-muse

  • Here’s a new word you can use around the holidays: Turquelent (TURK-yoo-lent), adj. 1) The quality or condition of perfectly cooked turkey whose meat is fully cooked, yet remains moist and tender and that falls from the bone with little effort. 2) n., a chick with really nice cans.
  • If Einstein was so smart, how did he miss the i-before-e rule?
  • For every middle-aged woman who discovered her “inner-goddess,” somebody will get cut off in traffic by an SUV with obnoxious bumper stickers on it. Deities should have to obey traffic statutes, too.
  • To Know Her Is to Love Her, but to Buy Her a Drink Is to Sleep with Her.
  • You know those liquor gift boxes you see around the holidays? They include a bottle of liquor and a couple really nice glasses, or a flask, or a martini kit or whatever. They’re nice. I think they should make one with a whiskey bottle and a firearm.
  • I may not be the best lover in the world, but I’m definitely one of the fastest. When it comes to sex, it’s all about efficiency.
  • When it comes to politics, it’s not the people with the best ideas affecting change. It’s the people with the biggest mouths. That's why things get screwed up sometimes.
  • I don’t think plant life should have an advocacy group. People trying to save the “rain forest” or the marshlands should go find an animal that needs saving. Plants are the most resilient form of life on the planet. Remember that meteor that hit the Earth a while back? It killed the dinosaurs and most animals. Plant life thrived. Even cockroaches marveled at their survivability. I can’t even kill the weeds in my backyard and I’m trying to do that. Plant life doesn’t need saving.
  • I don’t believe in “light pollution” or “noise pollution.” How can either exist? To me, “pollution” implies something undesirable that’s accumulating. You get stuck with more of it with time. Light and noise can’t accumulate. Therefore, they can’t pollute. They can be nuisances, but not pollutants.
  • People have $5,000 for boob jobs and hair plugs but they gripe at an $80 health insurance premium. I guess it’s true: it’s better to look good than to feel good.
  • Sometimes I get angry at work. Then some rosy-cheecked optimist will approach me and ask, “Where’s your sense of humor?” After suppressing the urge to strike the person, I usually respond, “I’m all out of humor. I spent it all laughing at my aquital for 2nd degree murder. Tainted evidence.” They usually leave me alone after that.

33 comments:

Heather said...

I'm gonna try that last one on one of my annoying co-workers.

Dave Morris said...

I advise my friends every June to watch me for signs of crab grass anxiety. If I see one clump, I start breaking out in hives.

Ironic, we go around spraying to rid the world of plant life while activists picket on behalf of it.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Plant life DOES TOO need saving, you butt. You think coca plants grow on trees?

Amber Lynn said...

"I may not be the best lover in the world, but I’m definitely one of the fastest. When it comes to sex, it’s all about efficiency."

Um....WRONG. Hate to break it to you, but this is one idea you might reconsider. Although sex is one area where quality and quantity are equally important.

tornwordo said...

Good point about the accumulation being a component of pollution. I have to agree.

Peter said...

Hi LBB, a turquelent post!!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

My bumper stickers ARE NOT obnoxious either!!!

;)

nongirlfriend said...

I like your liquor gift box idea. Surprised we haven't seen that down here in Texas.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Thank you for making me laugh before my first cup of coffe this morning!

My husband struggles with weeds in the yard too. We should own stock in Home Depot with the amount of chemical crap he's put on our yard!

FFFrapgirl said...

HAHA! My inner goddess drives a sports car!

Riss said...

Awesome thoughts as ever. I bet the Christmas liquor Glock 9 package will be very popular. I'd get it for myself.

I think staying power for men is overrated. I mean seriously, after a certain amount of time everything starts to chafe. Chafing is not pleasant.

I don't bitch about health insurance premiums. I like health insurance.

Melonie said...

Health insurance, what is this of which you speak?

Spirit Of Owl said...

To Give Her A Spliff Is To Blow Her, but
To Give Her LSD Is To Fuck Her Mind

Amandarama said...

Nothing wrong with efficiency in one's sex life. I like the idea of being able to pencil someone in for 2:30:00-2:30:35 on a Saturday afternoon. Afterall, I got shit to do.

Oh great One said...

efficiency? I don't know about that.

Toni said...

"I think they should make one with a whiskey bottle and a firearm."

Ya gotta throw in the trucker hat with that gift box, Bug.

Anonymous said...

LOL, I have a target on my office wall with a happy face shot with a 9mm pistol and the caption, "This could be you."

That drives em away in hordes.

Alice

Smartypants said...

Awwwww. Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays.

Weary Hag said...

All I ask for is consistency. I agree with Amandarama (above) but then too, there's something lacking in the guy who spends 45 minutes changing the oil in his car and an hour tuning it up, only to come inside to wife-ee-poo to dip his stick for two minutes, never even bothering to see if she purrs when done. Screw that.
Consistency - that's the ticket.

Don't know what to suggest about the 'inner goddess' thing. My goddess is obnoxiously omni-present. Inner and outer - even with your new whiskey set, there's no stopping her.

The Orchestrator said...

I think there should be amendmants for the degrees of murder.

jules said...

Thanks for the chuckles.

Eddo said...

Since Chad pointed you out on the Blog Patrol site I have been back many times, and every time I laugh and laugh - this blog is Turk-yoo-lent.

Rock on LBB, Rock on.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I think they should make whiskey bottles with peel off lables.

They would work like a fortune cookie, but instead of a prophecy like "You will make many interesting friends" the whiskey botle peel off lable could contain good excuses like:

"She fell down the stairs"
"That's not my gun"
"I'm sorry..."
"I did what? With Who?"
"Not Guilty!"
"He was insulting my intelligence"
"That was your sister?"
"She loked lots cuter last night."

And like how we always say, "in bed" after a fortune cookie, you sould say, "your Honor" after a whiskey botle lable.

CaCaBoy said...

In the words of the self proclaimed King of the Lemurs:

You are nice and sassy!

NWJR said...

I'll bet you can be "in and out" in less time than it takes to read this post!

Well, I'm guessing. But from what you say...

Teaspoon said...

Dude, $5,000 for a boob job IS totally more important than being able to go to the hospital and get care for $80.00 a month.

What if she falls overboard off a cruise ship? she would have her personal floatation devices, but if she was only paying for health care, then she might sink straight to the bottom

As always... Rachael said...

These are all so good I can't pick one in particular to comment on...!

Bennet said...

hehehehee....

Whiskey bottle with a firearm....

That would be quite dangerous with fellow annoying relatives around, but perhaps useful too.

jules said...

Dear Butt...
To get to the link you were looking for, you have to hold your mouth just right, which you obviously did not do. :) Try this
http://threeboobsonachest.blogspot.com
However be aware I have not yet posted about the brain/clit linkage you are so eagerly seeking to learn more about.
Sincerely,
Jules (the smartass)

Pirate said...

what has always made me laugh is the ir growing tonic or pills these guys buy and to grow hair. When you read the fine print it claims it may make you impotent. Now the due has a full head of hair and the gumption to aska woman out but can't get a boner. i'll stick with the bald spot and a solid woody anyday.

NWJR said...

When it comes to politics, it’s not the people with the best ideas affecting change. It’s the people with the biggest mouths. That's why things get screwed up sometimes.

That explains why the Republicans are in charge.

Ari said...

Now in the LBB Store: The Whiskey and Firearm Christmas Gift Set (Hank Williams Jr. CD included)

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