12/21/2005

Macho, macho men


You know who I feel sorry for? The Cowboy from the Village People. Oh sure. He’s got high cheekbones, a cool gun and a wardrobe to die for. But it seems to me the man(?) was cursed with being ahead of his time.

You all know what I’m getting at. It’s this new movie, Tent-Pole Mountain, or whatever the hell they call it, the one featuring two gay cowboys as romantic leads. You read it right: two cowboys -- and they’re queer. And by “queer,” I don’t mean “odd.” I mean beanbags-across-a-stubbly-chin gay. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with gays or cowboys. And I suppose it’s possible that both things can happen to a guy at the same time -- being responsible for the day-to-day operation of a cattle farm and somehow finding a penis to be just the right object to insert in a rectum. Fine.

I wonder what this movie is about. Is the bunkhouse in desperate need of window treatments and these two cowboys rise to the challenge? Is the Indian Chief not a bloodthirsty savage, but merely a misunderstood loner in need of some male companionship? Maybe our two cowboys can be the bread for the Chief’s beef jerky sandwich? Before paleface make sandwich, must smoke peace pipe. You tell’em, Chief Twinkle Eye.

Now back to the Village People Cowboy: can you see why I feel sorry for him? This guy was poking his ass out of those chaps on stage for 30 years before the protagonists in Tent-Pole Mountain witnessed a desert sunset in each other’s arms. He never got the attention and media hype this movie is getting. Heck, most guys didn’t even catch the subtle fact that the Cowboy et al. were advocating a gay lifestyle. I didn’t realize it myself. Of course I was only a kid. But even the older kids didn’t notice. The local bully would sing “In the Navy” while kicking the crap out of us. Somehow, it just worked. Think about it. You feel more macho when you hear a Village People song. Don’t you? Those guys could have done the soundtrack for Manhood itself. Gay? Nonsense. Back in the 70s, those guys were men’s men. Even Hitler-Revival groups sang along to the Village People. That was good, clean, white, Anglo-Saxon, Christian stuff. Heil Felipe the Indian! I’ll bet there were some blushing neo-Nazis around 1983 when it dawned on us that the Village People were the 1970’s equivalent of Boy George!

The Village People Cowboy must be kicking himself through his ass-less chaps. I’ll bet he’s storming around his classic-six apartment, delivering a soliloquy to the effect of:

“What the hell do I have to do to get some media spotlight? So now gay cowboys are hip? Now Oprah’s telling everybody to go see a couple ambiguous cowboys fasten each other’s saddles in a movie? Where the hell was all this pomp back in 1978? I paved the way for these two breeders. I’m the pioneer. I’m the trailblazer. Me. I’m the one who lubricated the way for these two cowpokes to hump their way into America’s hearts. And it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been dodging the clumsy advances of that greasy Indian. I’ve been poking fake pistols into my package. I’ve dropped thousands of dollars into moustache wax and leather cleaner. And this is the thanks I get? Screw that Donnie Darko Dipstick. You know the producer did. How else do you think he got that part? Ooh, Cowboy, you still got it!”


So I feel sorry for The Cowboy. This should have been his day in the tanning booth.

Oh, now I remember the name of that movie. It’s called “Brokeback Mountain,” or as critics will soon dub it, “The feel-good movie of the queer.

[Rimshot. Fade out.]

44 comments:

tornwordo said...

(still snickering about rimshot)...good stuff, and it is funny how they were so popular while the population was clueless.

Avatar said...

//Rimshot//

Nice.

And being gay isn't all about the pole-smoking, ya know. It's just an individual trait, like being born left-handed.

As always... Rachael said...

Fucking-A. That was absolutely hilarious! Me? I love gay cowboys. But I can do without waching them kiss on-screen. I'd rather stay home and watch Shrek for the 4000th time. There's a man's man for you... shrek is a trailblazer... for ogres.

Junebugg said...

Maybe months on the trail looking at the dung splattered rump of a long-horn cow would make another cowboy look a little tempting? I'm just saying, it could be nature or then again?

Peter said...

To each their own BB, no matter what we may think about the movie it's gonna make a gazillion $, tough luck Village People Cowboy.

jules said...

"I mean beanbags-across-a-stubbly-chin gay." I'm laughing so hard at this it's not funny. You have such a way with words LBB.

FFFrapgirl said...

Isn't it odd that this movie release coincides with several countries England, Scotland making civil unions legal. Sir Elton is getting merry'd t'day. If thatz wats up... I wanna be down!

nongirlfriend said...

You're a fucking genius. Now if we could only get you to wear some chaps yourself...

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

The PK and I were discussing this movie last night.

PK: "I cannot believe they have a movie coming out about gay cowboys. How disgusting! I'm not going to watch it!"

Me: "What's wrong with a movie where two guys make out? You don't seem to have a problem watching two girls make out. Or better yet, having me watch girls make out."

PK: "Well, that's just different."

Uh, yeah....right.

Men....;)

Lynn said...

Good Morning Lightning Bug--
Found your blog through a friend. LOVE IT. This blog entry is particularly pleasing and I will be be sharing it with the gay men of New York City who will all get a good laugh.
Haggily Yours,
Lynn

Laundering Jew said...

I referred Lynn to your blog, because I just stumbled onto it one day and am now hooked! Anyway, I thought the film was called "Bareback Mountain." Queers Rule!!

Darlene said...

I wonder if that village cowboy's name is really "Randy".

Anonymous Shannon said...

Oh my gosh! I laughed. I cried. It was better than, "Cats." Sincerely, it was an awesome post! Thank you LBB!

Dave Morris said...

My daughter, at about age 9, came into the kitchen one day and asked if she could have some nachos. I asked where she got the idea for nachos.

"The song 'Nacho Man' was just on the radio and I thought it sounded good."

From the mouths of babes.

amber lynn said...

Knowing the cowboys I do know out here in dusty Arizona, I must say it is the last demographic you would expect to find a gay guy. They drive trucks with the sillohette (I don't know how to spell right now) of the curvy girl on the mudflaps. So in this movie, do they have a penis or ballsac on the mudflaps? I might have to go just to find out.

Riss said...

If the movie wins any Academy Awards (which, considering the wonderful world of PC it will, regardless of how good or bad it is) I hope they remember to thank the Village People Cowboy!!

Nölff said...

the 5 day weather planner for Brokeback Mountain says: Partly queer with a chance of fag.

Alex said...

Very amusing post LBB. So true about the total lack of recognition the group's apparent orientation had back then.

Jamie Dawn said...

How funny this is! I won't be rushing out to see the flick and I won't rent it either. It probably is a good flick, but it just doesn't interest me.
I heard that the Village People Cowboy went to the Get Straight Center and turned away from his gay lifestyle. He is now a TV preacher/healer.

Nettie said...

Once again, you mention what I've been thinking of. Well, the song, anyway.

Teaspoon said...

"I've beenpoking fake pistols into my package."
...
I don't even know what to say to that. I am not even sure if I understand that, but I sure laughed like I did.

gusgreeper said...

i bet both those broke mountain boys would be scared of me i'd totally kick both their asses ;)

Karen said...

I will have to pass on this cowboy flick. Thank you for the laughs, you're a kick!

Amandarama said...

Mr. Scoop has been telling me he wants to see it. Just to see if the cowboys eat pudding. He wants to see if they're going to rip off the "gay cowboys eating pudding" movie that Cartman referenced in South Park.

Yeah. We've got a lot of free time over here.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Love the post. Good comedy.

Politically or ethically (not sure where the line is drawn...) I couldn't care less about two gay dudes, or three if they are open to that.

The way I figure, as a straight man it is a non issue. If anything else it means that there are two more lonely cowgirls back at the saloon!

They can have Brokeback Mountain, I'm hanging out over at Mount Asquaw

Anonymous said...

A Cowboy walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whaddaya have?"

The Cowboy replies, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat of a cows ass."

A gay Cowboy in the back jumps up and yells, "MOO MOO BUCKAROO!!!"

Melonie said...

All the good Cowboys are gay.

NWJR said...

You know who I feel sorry for? Well, other than people who don't know who from whom and end sentences with prepositions (vbeg), I feel sorry for people so insecure about themselves that they find it necessary to denigrate others who by nature or choice are "different".

Since you "wonder what this movie is about", I'll quote Joe Williams from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "It is simply one of the greatest love stories in film history."

You may or may not agree with that, although I suspect I already know. But hey...you asked.

:-)

Tigre said...

Congrats on the award! I've always been a fan of cowboy moview, but not what the modern redneck tries to project as a modern cowboy.

Dave Morris said...

Amandarama's reference to eating pudding made me spit liquid all over.

Wenchy said...

Am seriously contemplating if Dave licked or mopped up the liquid he didn't swallow... mmm okay that aside...

I think I need to get me a bit of 'em tent pole mountain guys.... just to be sure I get the Village People thing... Yeah baby.

Am imagining sending my husband to go and ask for “Brokeback Mountain" LOL

Ari said...

Apparently, I'm not gay enough because I don't know what a "classic-six apartment" is. Just this week I deciphered the euphemism "friend of Dorothy" just from Comedy Central commercials.

O well, Hi-ho Google, away!!!

Dave Morris said...

You have Sirius satellite radio??

Sylvana said...

Hmmm... sounds interesting. Never seen a gay cowboy movie before.

Oh great One said...

I got nothin'.

Harry Yak said...

ok this might make people think less of me but am i the only one that has a problem with this? and this movie promoting this lifestyle? i don't understand how we in a decent moral society can just sit back and accept this or make little jokes about this. that's right i have a serious problem with cowboys! i'd like to screw all of you cowboys....err um i mean i'd like to say screw you cowboys. yeah that's the ticket.

lightning bug i almost forgot to say thanks for the advice on the track lighting, it was super fabulous! you're the bestist, *kisses*

the Monk said...

Damn, but I want to see the movie now.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Your ability to identify and empathize with the downtrodden and forgotten of our society is truly inspiring. Keep up the good work. Long live The Cowboy.

On an unrelated topic, what's a girl gotta do to get on your Cool Phuckers list? I mean, dayum. I'm a link whore, and I've been patient. PIMP ME OUT.

StringMan said...

What was that BonJovi song? Well I'm a Cowboy, on a steel rod I ride ...and I wanting (wanting) to bugger that guy.

Or something like that.

Molicious said...

You're such a funny guy. :o)

Merry Christmas dude.

Pirate said...

you just know Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne and all the cowboys of yesteryear are rolling over in their graves. I wouldn't roll over too far though. There my be a sequel.

Spinning Girl said...

You have Sirius satellite radio?!?!?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I'm with HighMantenance Hussey on that one. You got Chad of Tempermental Blender (pokes Chad in the ribs) on the Cool Phuckers list. Hell, I'd just be happy any where...

Lizabeth said...

I mean beanbags-across-a-stubbly-chin gay.

Thats absolutely hilarious. Actually the whole post is! Nice work, again.