- Purchase stock in Trident Gum; find the 5th dentist who doesn’t approve; kill him.
- Get to know my penis on a deeper level.
- Drink as much diet soda as my kidneys will allow.
- Divvy up my lottery winnings with all my blogger friends.
- Find and capture the “real killers” of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown; deliver them to OJ for the reward money.
- Clone wife, have threesome.
- Research my family tree and prune out all the jerks.
- Figure out the ending to 2001, A Space Odyssey.
- Take a self-esteem class.
I’m happy to report I’ve succeeded in no less than 3 of the above! You’re probably wondering what elements make for a successful Resolution. I’m glad you asked. Incorporate the following into your Resolutions and you’re sure to have a happy, prosperous New Year:
1) Success begins at home. Get your home in order first.
Example Resolution: Give the wife gentle reminders to leave the toilet seat in its upright position where it belongs.
2) Improve your marketability. Outsourcing and technological advances have made the job market more competitive than ever. You should constantly reinvent yourself and add to your skill set.
Example Resolution: Become fluent in that cool “mizzle fizzle” language that Snoop Doggy Dog invented. Then, make sure to check the “bilingual” box on job applications.
3) Be a patriot. Do something to help your country.
Example Resolution: Train for competitive eating so I can finally beat that Japanese fucker who robs us of our national dignity by eating more hotdogs on the 4th of July than American slobs 3 times his bodyweight.
4) Don’t forget physical fitness.
Example Resolution: Sign up for that auto-fellatio yoga class you read about on that flyer.
5) Give yourself a fashion make-over to go with the new you.
Example Resolution: Bring the Speedo swimsuit back into style. Stuff as needed.
6) Show gratitude to those who’ve earned it.
Example Resolution: Stop by my old anger management workshop and piss in my counselor’s gas tank. And if it’s a convertible, take a dump on the console.
7) Quantify your resolutions. The most effective goals can be measured.
Example Resolution: Send American Idol contestant Bo Bice 30% more hate-mail this year. Encourage him to shave and get a haircut. Stinkin’ hippie. Also, remind him that his goatee looks like Kelly Clarkson’s twat patch.
8) Drop some of those bad habits by scaling back. Research shows that gradual cut-backs are more effective than quitting “cold turkey.”
Example Resolution: Only do blow and rock when I’m at the titty bar. Elsewhere, stick to Nyquil and Epicac cocktails.
9) Improve your performance at work. Success at work means success in life.
Example Resolution: Purchase and apply talcum powder to scrotum every morning so I don’t have to itch my sack 19 times per day. Or instead, quit job at the food processing plant. Either way, stop having to listen to colleagues exclaim “Damn, wash your hands first, man!”
I hope you profit from the above 9 tips for making New Year's Resolutions. Good luck, Godspeed, and Happy New Year!