12/27/2005

New Year's Resolutions

Christmas behind us, we’ve directed our attention to the New Year and, of course, our Resolutions. Already many web logs feature the authors’ resolutions for 2006. I’m sure those of you reading are kicking around the idea of a few resolutions if you haven’t already reduced them to writing. Before you draft your Resolutions, I invite you to consider my advice. I’ve been resolving to do stuff for over 2 decades now. Perhaps you can profit from my experience with the New Year’s Resolution. For example, last year I resolved to:

  • Purchase stock in Trident Gum; find the 5th dentist who doesn’t approve; kill him.
  • Get to know my penis on a deeper level.
  • Drink as much diet soda as my kidneys will allow.
  • Divvy up my lottery winnings with all my blogger friends.
  • Find and capture the “real killers” of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown; deliver them to OJ for the reward money.
  • Clone wife, have threesome.
  • Research my family tree and prune out all the jerks.
  • Figure out the ending to 2001, A Space Odyssey.
  • Take a self-esteem class.

I’m happy to report I’ve succeeded in no less than 3 of the above! You’re probably wondering what elements make for a successful Resolution. I’m glad you asked. Incorporate the following into your Resolutions and you’re sure to have a happy, prosperous New Year:

1) Success begins at home. Get your home in order first.
Example Resolution: Give the wife gentle reminders to leave the toilet seat in its upright position where it belongs.

2) Improve your marketability. Outsourcing and technological advances have made the job market more competitive than ever. You should constantly reinvent yourself and add to your skill set.
Example Resolution: Become fluent in that cool “mizzle fizzle” language that Snoop Doggy Dog invented. Then, make sure to check the “bilingual” box on job applications.

3) Be a patriot. Do something to help your country.
Example Resolution: Train for competitive eating so I can finally beat that Japanese fucker who robs us of our national dignity by eating more hotdogs on the 4th of July than American slobs 3 times his bodyweight.

4) Don’t forget physical fitness.
Example Resolution: Sign up for that auto-fellatio yoga class you read about on that flyer.

5) Give yourself a fashion make-over to go with the new you.
Example Resolution: Bring the Speedo swimsuit back into style. Stuff as needed.

6) Show gratitude to those who’ve earned it.
Example Resolution: Stop by my old anger management workshop and piss in my counselor’s gas tank. And if it’s a convertible, take a dump on the console.

7) Quantify your resolutions. The most effective goals can be measured.
Example Resolution: Send American Idol contestant Bo Bice 30% more hate-mail this year. Encourage him to shave and get a haircut. Stinkin’ hippie. Also, remind him that his goatee looks like Kelly Clarkson’s twat patch.

8) Drop some of those bad habits by scaling back. Research shows that gradual cut-backs are more effective than quitting “cold turkey.”
Example Resolution: Only do blow and rock when I’m at the titty bar. Elsewhere, stick to Nyquil and Epicac cocktails.

9) Improve your performance at work. Success at work means success in life.
Example Resolution: Purchase and apply talcum powder to scrotum every morning so I don’t have to itch my sack 19 times per day. Or instead, quit job at the food processing plant. Either way, stop having to listen to colleagues exclaim “Damn, wash your hands first, man!”

I hope you profit from the above 9 tips for making New Year's Resolutions. Good luck, Godspeed, and Happy New Year!

33 comments:

Lyvvie said...

I think getting to know your penis on a deeper level sounds very manly.

My resolution is to give up sugar, that's it.

Hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas. I look forward to more from you in the year to come.

much love,

Lyvvie

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

One of my biggest resolutions is to get a second job.

And I absolutely LOVED the bilingual idea...I am SO going to do that when I fill out my application...:)

nongirlfriend said...

Happy New Year to you, too!

By the way, how do you know what Kelli Clarkson's twat patch looks like?

The Assimilated Negro said...

auto-fellatio yoga. that class is always packed.

StringMan said...

Talcum powder - don't leave home without it.

KB said...

You've been bookmarked.

You're seriously mentally ill--I love it.

Happy New Year.

NWJR said...

The key to a successful New Year's Resolution is to make one that's complex, yet easy to keep.

Witness mine from last year:

Talking' bout a resolution

See what I mean?

Alex said...

I'm with nongirlfriend. We need a URL :)

However I particularly like #9.

I must confess to understanding 2001 from begining to end. But that's probably due to failing dismally on resolution example #8.

Laundering Jew said...

Getting to know your penis on a deeper level is MY New Year's resolution, too!!!!

Blue944 said...

Very nice resolutions...I have always wanted to learn the Snoop Dog language...sounds like a good resolution to me.

You are a very sick man...but I like it.

jules said...

auto-fellatio yoga?
Damn bug that'll take the air out of MY resolution to give every man I meet the blowjob of his life. Shit man. Screw it up for ME! Thanks alot.

migraine boy said...

Mmmm...Kelly Clarkson’s twat patch

Ari said...

10) Resolve to stop resolving. Do or do not. There is no "resolve."

Jack Mercer said...

Hi LB!

Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!

-Jack

Peter said...

Well Bugs I'm pretty sure there's something in there for everyone, ir's just up to them to choose their own poison.

dewey said...

Resolutions are SO confining. I've set myself up a set of general guidelines to live by instead. You know, don't have the salad if you don't want the salad. Go to the gym instead. Or, you could live to be 100 if you gave up drinking, smoking and having casual sex. But why the hell would you want to?

It's the little things that make life worth living.

FFFrapgirl said...

Those Japanese mutherfawkers are destroying our Patriotism!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Well, you said it, Butt. Nobody is gonna come up with a better entry on resolutions.

Happy New Year! :D

actonbell said...

There are LOTS of guys who need the tip about anti-itch stuff on the scrotum. Get that one out there!

Mia said...

Lovin #8 *grin*

Just found it, but you've got a Great blog... funny, funny shit, um, I mean stuff :-)

NYCbeauty said...

Why clone the wife? Some new blood is always a fun thing.

Molicious said...

Dammit man, all of these were hilarious.

Speakin' of Speedos, I was looking around on People.com and came across a pic of Ricky Martin in a Speedo. *shudder* He was vacationing with a male "buddy".

Molicious said...

P.S. I'll be happy to share in your lottery winnings. VERY happy.

PlatinumGirl said...

Well, hell, I can't do better than that!

Riss said...

Thanks for the tips, I should be in exactly the same place next year.

Incidentally that Japanese fucker pisses me off.

Junebugg said...

OK, damn it! You didn't tell which 3 you've managed to complete! YOU DAMN TEASE! but I still love you 8-}

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

BITCHIN! That is the best new year post I've seen.

Karen said...

I bet I can guess which three you were successful in this year LOL

Good luck on the 2006 resolutions. Thanks for the laughs! A cucumber or a potato might work with that speedo idea, don't use a sock, if it gets wet it will droop. Not pretty.

SugarHigh said...

sweet lord, what would I do without you to help me with my resolution!? that was excellent. Thanks and Happy New Year!!!

Nettie said...

Didn't they already explain about the fifth dentist?

Anonymous Shannon said...

Well Bug, you definitely topped my resolutions! I am not worthy! ( in a Wayne's World sort of way!). ChickyBabe just did an entire blog on Speedo vs. shorts on the male beach goer. It was interesting research! Forgive me for plugging her blog, but it goes hand in hand with yours. http://chickybaberules.blogspot.com

Sharon said...

Happy New Year, and thanks for the laugh. You rock.

Elaine said...

THAT'S what Bo Bice's goatee looks like! Thank YOU! It's been bugging me for months!

I'm officially addicted.