12/29/2005

Random Variables

  • If a train “derails,” shouldn’t a car be able to “de-road?” Can a pedestrian “de-sidewalk?” Hey, if I’m on the crapper, can I dethrone?
  • Calling in sick for work is a lot like vomiting. You hate doing it. But you feel wonderful immediately afterward.
  • Here’s the difference between Hip Hop and Rap Music: Hip Hop is about what men want to do to women. Rap tends to be about what men want to do to men. And also, Rap tends to use the word “fuck” more.
  • Anybody who’s so fat they have to pay for two airline tickets should -- in all fairness -- be able to drive in the carpool lane legally. I’m just sayin’.
  • You get better customer service from a vending machine than a Taco Bell. How about those little Einsteins, huh? Hey Taco Bell, Inc. Forget the drug test. Make your employees pass an I.Q. test!
  • If we all wore mood rings we’d never have to ask each other how we’re doing. Heaven.
  • It’s funny that our currency reads “In God We Trust.” If we really trusted God, we wouldn’t chase after money.
  • We used to call them “pirates.” Now we call them “seamen.” I’m not making this up. That’s what we call sailors now. No wonder the Navy is having trouble recruiting. Your job title is a synonym for some dude’s spunk. Even a Cambodian refugee has a more impressive title: boat person.
  • I read that safety designers are working on an airbag for motorcycles. I don’t get it. Unless you’re restrained in a compartment of some kind, all an airbag will do is change the direction your body flings. Putting a high-tech jumping castle in front of a motorcycle won’t help the poor bastard: he’ll just bounce backward at 80 miles per hour. Motorcycle airbag = human superball.
  • I don’t understand gift cards. Basically you’re saying “Here. Go pick out your own gift. I can’t think of anything.” Why not just give cash?
  • If time is money, why don’t homeless people have more spare change? They’ve got all the time in the world, yet they keep hitting me up for a dollar.
  • The only advice you can’t give to yourself: Do as I say, not as I do.
  • Everybody knows that Englishmen drive on the left side of the road, but few people know that Englishmen’s hearts are on the right side of their body. In fact, all their internal organs are inverted left-to-right. Also, the French have their heads up their asses.

45 comments:

Toni said...

Human superball! HA! That's awesome.

So, did you have a little trouble complaining about your Taco Supreme recently?

Jo said...

There's an honest-to-goodness whorehouse on Sint Maarten named "The Seamen's Club". Made me die laughing everytime I saw it. Cuz I'm mature like that.

Sharon said...

You're very funny, but you knew this.

Time is only money for lawyers and whores.

Esme said...

Bug,

http://www.thebestofblogs.com/nominations/most-humorous-blog-nominations/

May you rock on in infamy. Your fans love you.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Ah thank you LBB! You've given me another opportunity to say, "Screw the French!"

StringMan said...

Actually, my family always used "dethrone" in our house, as in "Can somebody go and dethrone Joanne? Is she reading War and Peace in there or what?"

Your mind is wired differently, isn't it. In a good way, of course.

Teaspoon said...

I like the mood ring idea, what I love is when you ask someone "how's it going?" and they respond with "what's going on?" talk about answering with a question.

actonbell said...

I enjoyed this, esp. the bit about calling off work. That is so true.

NWJR said...

So you eat at Taco Bell, wear mood rings, and hang out with homeless people?

I'm starting to understand you a lot better, LBB. "Do as I say, not as I do", indeed!

NWJR said...

Time is not money.

Time is a gift card.

ChickyBabe said...

As an Aussie from down under, I'll have to remember that driving on the left means my organs are inverted left to right AND upside down! Hehe...

Heather said...

My life would be so much easier if the Taco bell crew passed an IQ test prior to working.

nongirlfriend said...

You can give yourself that advice if you have multiple personalities.

PlatinumGirl said...

The Taco Bell thing is fer rizzle. My husband came home from that place heated tonight! I think the chick was having a hard time finding the right buttons on the register. Maybe they should start using pictures instead, so when you ask for chicken on something it isn't a big ordeal.

Peter said...

Does a poor post earn a deblogging?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Brilliant.

Now I want a mood ring....do they still even make those anymore???

Kim said...

Thanks for all the great posts in 2005! I love reading your stuff.

Chad said...

I have a feeling that Taco Bell is run by the French.

Chick said...

My heart's smack dab in the middle & I don't know where I'm from.

Happy New Year.

Brooklyn said...

so when you choke a smurf what color does he turn????

OldHorsetailSnake said...

But there IS advice you should GIVE to yourself: "Don't eat the yellow snow."

SugarHigh said...

LOL! motorcycles with airbags-HA! Harley Davidson will never allow this shit. I really don't think you buy a motorcycle with safety being the highest priority...but that's just me. Motorcycles RULE!

Barry S. said...

I think ALL fast food workers should be required by law to take an IQ test.

I'm not asking them to perform Fourier transform; just give me an effing soft taco supreme the way I ordered it!

Thanks for a good laugh.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

I got a good giggle out of a few of them. Not quiet a laugh, but a sound did come out of my mouth so that makes it more then a smile.

Spinning Girl said...

Suicide is par for the course in any job where "would you like a chalupa?" is part of the daily lexicon.

Arz000n said...

Calling in sick for work is a lot like vomiting. You hate doing it. But you feel wonderful immediately afterward.
Hahahaha...
That was too good...yes yes, Im "vomiting" for past whole week and Im feeling good being at home ;)

I don’t understand gift cards.
I never did too...but I liked your logc behind it...from next time if someone trynna give me a gift card, Im going to say that right on his face

Happy and Properous New year LBB, my blogger god.

Have fun and take care!!
And important of all, pls keep blogging!!
Greeetz

Just Some Gal said...

Very funny post and HOLY CRAP, airbags on motor cycles??? WTH? No thank you.

Have a happy & safe New Years!

*cheers*

the Monk said...

ah,brilliant again...i prefer giving cash too...only if I've gotten a good gift from that person,though..

jules said...

Bug, you are on FIRE lately....
Or maybe that's just the smell from your brain firing random bits of crap at you. ;)

Junebugg said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR

ghoti said...

happy new year bugbutt :)

i heard that the only people that drive on the left side of the road are the british and anybody who currently and/or previously belonged to the british empire. everyone else drives on the proper... i mean right side.

dude, i hope you have a fabulous 'o6

Pirate said...

As a Pirate a prefer to called big dick. No one calls me sperm or seaman without getting a mouthful.

Karen said...

The mood rings need to cover stupid people who we shouldn't ever ask questions, or have a way of knowing.

Thanks for the laughs... Happy New Year!

addict said...

Happy New Year!!!

Merle said...

Hi - I am Peter's sister Merle, Thanks for leaving a comment on my site.
Some funny stuff in your post,
Happy New Year.!!

PBS said...

Thanks for the laugh and things to think about! Happy New Year to you.

poopie said...

Here's your New Year's present..a gift card from Poopie ;) Spend it wisely, like umm maybe on your next book!

Cindy-Lou said...

I love it when the last line makes me laugh out loud.

Sylvana said...

Calling in sick for work is a lot like vomiting. You hate doing it. But you feel wonderful immediately afterward.
I laughed out loud! This is TOO TRUE!!

gusgreeper said...

Happy New Year LBB :)
mood rings are the answer to everything.

Elaine said...

"Also, the French have their heads up their asses."

Indeed.

Too funny! I will be coming back for more of the good stuff.

Dave Morris said...

Loved the difference between Rap and Hip Hop. I always wondered.

Weary Hag said...

I know you won't believe this but long ago I called into work for vomiting. Shortly thereafter, I felt so good that I hopped on my Harley for a spin but it got deroaded and since there was no airbag, I ended up in an ambulance. The driver was playing Rap so I asked him to switch the channel and ended up listening to Hip Hop. On the way to the hospital, he stopped at Taco Bell which really set my mood ring to black. The fat dolt behind the take out window kept going on about his future as a seamen and I thought we'd never get outta there. Finally, the driver paid with his Taco Bell gift card and we got sideswiped pulling out of the lot by a drunken Englishman driving on the wrong side of the road. I tell you it was a day from hell. If only I could just "trust" in someone. Maybe I should have just done what I said and stayed in bed, instead of doing what I did. Cripes.

Happy New Year to you LBB!

Lizabeth said...

the French have their heads up their asses - thats got my laughing and I can't stop!

Have you ever read "Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman

His writing totally reminds me of you.

Riss said...

I just laughed out loud, oddly enough I did hate calling in sick to work. Even when I hated my job. It's almost like you feel guilty that your temperature is 103 and you've puked up everything you ate in the last 3 days.