12/23/2005

Santa Claus is blogging to town

Christmas vacation gave us school kids a lot of time to think about the man for whom we celebrate Christmas. No, not Jesus -- He got Easter and every Sunday my parents didn’t accidentally sleep in for church. I’m talking about Santa Claus. Say, who do you think would win in a fight? Jesus or Santa Claus?

Santa fascinated me. I contemplated Santa daily from Thanksgiving until Christmas Morning. I remember asking my parents about Santa Claus -- not if he were real (of that I was certain!) -- rather, why didn't he use his magical, gift-giving powers to pay off our mortgage last Christmas? Or, how about World Peace and a kick-ass Corvette? Why didn’t he cure my uncle’s drinking problem -- or at least transport him out of jail for the holidays? These are the kinds of questions parents face when they allow their child to believe in Santa Claus until he's 15. It’s a good thing my folks finally let me in on the gag: I was planning to ask for a fake I.D. and my very own Taiwanese sex slave that Christmas. And a Nintendo.

When you discover the truth about Santa, you don’t feel disappointment. You feel excitement. You yearn to tell every kid younger than you that Santa isn't real. Five minutes after learning that Santa is really your mom and dad, you suddenly become the Paul Revere of your neighborhood.

[Marching the street and shouting] THERE'S NO SANTA. IT'S REALLY MOM AND DAD PLAYING A TRICK ON YOU. Surrender your hopes and dreams, little ones. Santa is a myth! The Santa you met at the mall is just a recovering alcoholic who squeaked by a criminal background check. Santa isn’t real.”

Nothing brings more joy around the holidays than shattering the dreams of kids a year younger than you.

27 comments:

Teaspoon said...

What?!?!?

Santa's not real?

Excuse me I think that I need to go cry.

Tigre said...

Santa is actually a terrorist. He knows when you are sleeeping, he knows when you're awake, and he crashes his air craft or sleigh and breaks into your house

Cindy-Lou said...

I didn't have to ask Santa for a Taiwanese sex slave this year, I bought my own. Best three grand I've ever spent.

Amandarama said...

You don't need Santa to get a Taiwanese sex slave. Not when there's E-bay.

I gave up Santa when I was eight. It was for Lent.

nongirlfriend said...

There are other ways to shatter young one's dreams, Bug's Butt. But this is a brilliant start.

tornwordo said...

Ah yes, the wielding of the power of knowledge. I remember it well. "I bet YOU still believe in Santa Claus don't you?" The thrill of torturing others, ah youth.

Hey Mr Bugs Butt, have a swell holiday.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Make it got really confusing for me when I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause! I thought for sure she was having an affair and Dad was going to get divorce papers for Christmas!

Merry Christmas LBB!

jules said...

And I'll bet you told 'em on Christmas Eve like my ex did, huh?
Meanie!

Viveka said...

aaww...thts mean! but its fun ;)

Magnolia said...

:0( I never got to believe in Santa bcz I had an older brother who found out he wasnt real before I was even born. Grrrr. Steal my childhood why dontcha!!

FFFrapgirl said...

I remember playing Paul Revere too! That is so funny, but true..gots to tell the world! Shatter All their dreams! Have a great Christmas LBB!

NWJR said...

Yeah, right. Next you'll be telling us the "Great Pumpkin" is a myth, too.

Silly boy.

poopie said...

Damn you LBB. Now I've got to find somebody ELSE to believe in ;)

addict said...

:)
Have yourself a fantastic Christmas and may the new year continue to bless you with the words and perspective that keep us in stitches!

Nettie said...

Hmm, don't think I've ever sicced Santa on that particualr subject. Oh wel;l. Merry Christmas, man!

CaCaBoy said...

Yeah, I knew Santa wasn't real when I caught him sneaking out of my neighbors bedroom window when Mr. Jones was away on a business trip!

Anonymous said...

LBB,

In the Christmas spirit, I'd like you to reprise your "What Would Jesus Do?" post.

Anonymous said...

I think Santa would win, but if JC looks enough like Ted Nugent, he might break out one of his hunting rifles and have reindeer for dinner.

Sudiegirl

Anonymous said...

Awww, scarred for life.

Merry Festichristnakwuhnzaa.

Alice

Melonie said...

Santa is a recovering alcoholic, no wonder I find him attractive!

As always... Rachael said...

Blasphemy! This has inspired an idea for a post... so I can't discuss the subject any further!

As always... Rachael said...

I posted my official response. I dare you to read it you santa-hater!

SugarHigh said...

i don't recall ever having this conversation with my folks. They kept the dream alive. I only realized Santa was them when I was old enough to recognize their handwriting and compare it to Santa's. I wasn't dissapointed, but extremely impressed with my parent's creativity. I did not like those damn Paul Revere fellas that kept bursting my dream bubble. Damn you!! ;)

Lizabeth said...

I can't even remember when I found out, I think I actually saw my parents puttig out the presents when we were trying to watch for Santa, oops!

Edgy Mama said...

OMG, this is hilarious. You've outdone yourself. Fricking stay away from my kids!

Weary Hag said...

I think I was about 9 when my SS (special sister or the other SS we all know and love) told me. Then I went to class and asked my friends and this one chum-face girl with red hair and freckles told me I was WAY too old to still believe in Santa.

(secretly I now spend many a pre-holiday night Googling her name so that if I ever find the bitch I can rip her apart limb by limb)

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