12/01/2005

Some more random stuff.

  • I received a letter from my HOA requesting that I remove the “coupling reindeer” from my roof. Screw them! They’re staying until Three Kings Day. Jeez, seems like everybody’s attacking Christmas these days!
  • Scrapbooking is suddenly all the rage. How do scrapbooking and photography co-exist in the same century? Shouldn’t the former have gone out of style in about 1880? If I would have known it would still be around, I’d have worked harder in Arts and Crafts. Scrapbooks typically have a theme. You know what would be a good theme for ladies? Ex-boyfriends and Failed Romances. You could paste old condom wrappers, restraining orders, positive pregnancy tests, the word “cocksucker” pasted in little beads and glitter, beer bottle caps from that night he went “domestic.” Sweet nothings.
  • If this is the information age, how do “psychics” stay in business? And what’s with “palmistry?” It sounds like a good place to go for a hand job.
  • Those of you who champion diversity should remember our college campuses are severely lacking in midget lesbian neo-Nazi professors who drive SUVs with naked lady mudflaps.
  • The more health food supplements you take, the sicker you are. Also, the more psychotherapy a person has completed, the crazier the motherfucker is. I know a guy who after 5 years of therapy can’t handle the emotional turmoil of assembling a ham sandwich. Also, people who take St. John’s Wort are real douche bags.
  • When TV programs came over the airwaves, it was free. Then they started using cable. Now it costs money. Sure you’ve got more channels. But they’ve got more commercials, the economic incentive for television. It should balance out.
  • Why can you say so little without getting in trouble, but you can write just about anything and people love it? I find this doubly strange; once you write something, you can’t deny having said it!
  • When I’m interviewing for a job and I realize I don’t want the job after all, I ask the recruiter “so, what’s your policy on long lunches, frequent sick-days and kicking the shit out of the boss?”

36 comments:

Arz000n said...

“so, what’s your policy on long lunches, frequent sick-days and kicking the shit out of the boss?”
Hehehe...
I'm interviewing candidates these days...and dare if someone asks me this...I'm gonna kick the shit outta him

:)

Nice ones LBB...as all your post.
Too kewl!!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I, too, don't understand the scrapbook phenomenon. I like your idea, though.

Weary Hag said...

Scrapbooks: So let's see ... putting things into proper perspective, a man's scrapbook would just have a series of little, sparkly notch marks, yes? (you know, like a score pad)

Free TV: I miss the days when you could move into new digs, plug in the set and voila! You were watching your favorite program; it didn't matter how long you had to wait for that rat-bastard phone guy to show up - you had TV.

Interviews: If I was sitting in an interview and decided I couldn't stand the jerk behind the desk, I'd shoot an evil grin and say "oh by the way ... that metal detector I had to walk through to get in here? It's broken." (I'll let you think about that one)

I don't understand psychics either ... why aren't they all winning the lottery?

And regarding your coupling-reindeer ... just tell HOA you feel sex ed should start in the home and they are part of your teaching method.

Marvelous post.

Peter said...

Yeah it's a bad year for Christmas attacks alright, tell 'em to let your reindeer just get on with their business and MERRY CHRISTMAS

Rob Seifert said...

Coupling Reindeer... You're spot on with the whole interview thing. Lord knows if you were to get the job after that, it'd probably be a pretty kick ass job.

RCS

tornwordo said...

Lol, every supplement popping person I've met is sickly looking. Same with Vegans, always looks like you could pop them with a needle and let all the fragility out.

Nölff said...

My mouth gets me in trouble as well, but people don't mind reading wha I have to say. touche.

Courtney said...

The HOA people are just jealous that no one finds their holiday decorations attractive, so they're trying to cockblock your deer.

As for scrapbooking? My mother has tried (exhaustively, I might add) to take up this hobby recently. Because of her lack of natural talent in this area, she said to my sister, "It is one of the most frustrating and rewarding hobbies I've ever taken on."

Life's too short for "frustrating" hobbies...

Spirit Of Owl said...

Are they, like, real reindeer? So, wire them up, plug them in, and SHAZAKAZAM some damn light show! And, Christmas dinner too.

Jo said...

The scrapbooking trend is worse than you think. At my son's school (his T&G school, no less) they force the students to take a class in scrapbooking. My little genius actually failed the class, which gave me a very perverse sense of pleasure. When kids bitch these days that they're "never gonna USE this stuff", they're dead serious!

Anti-Blogger said...

Because of you I have decided to start scrapbooking. Thanks.

In my case, the objective is to just make up a whole life. Do you know where I can find about 10,000 used condom wrappers?

Junebugg said...

"Ex-boyfriends and Failed Romances. " Damn, I wouldn't need a book, I'd need a whole set of whole bookshelve fullQ

Blonde said...

I do have a crazy ass friend that makes scrapbooks of each boyfriend. She forgets to write out loser and cocksucker in glitter and sequins though. She is nuts, though.

As much as I despise Christmas and all it's decor, coupling reindeers gets a thumbs up from me.

Melonie said...

Did you find the coupling reindeer at Walmart?

Sharon said...

Yeah, where can I find those?

Now we know why Rudolph's glowing.

Ariella said...

LMAO
good stuff
we shall return!

Jennifer J. said...

How is holiday better than Christmas? Isn't holiday actually the smooshed-together version of holy day? Hmmmm. Good thinking, people who hate the word Christmas!
(Don't get mad at me--I'm a liberal!)

actonbell said...

Love that penultimate point! And I vote to screw'em if they can't take a screwball deer joke.
Rabbit, rabbit!

The Orchestrator said...

I cry whenever I make ham sandwiches too....

Anonymous Shannon said...

Do they have coupling elves too?

I hear those little bastards like to let off some steam after a full day of toy making.

Avatar said...

Where'd the nekkid pic go? Does your HOA frown upon nudity as well? Fucking fascists.

Oh great One said...

You should post a picture of your reindeer. That would be hot.

Kim said...

Love it... especially the last part!

Migraine Boy said...

Not the coupling reindeer...maybe they'll like the Three Wisemen Caterpillar. If that fails, try the shepherd and unwilling sheep motiff, or the 69 angels. We'll teach these pagans not to fuck with Christmas!

As always... Rachael said...

My scrapbooks are simply in chronological order. What's wrong with me?

NWJR said...

"midget lesbian neo-Nazi professors who drive SUVs with naked lady mudflaps."

Yeah! Everyone knows THOSE PEOPLE have mudflaps with Yosemite Sam!

NWJR said...

If you REALLY wanna piss off the HOA, put up some COPULATING reindeer.

Bastids.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

The scrapbooking line was perfect. Hilarious.

FFFrapgirl said...

Scrapbooking..NEVER!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't know how many times I have had to make this correction:

There is no such thing as St. John's Wort. The correct appellation is "St. Nick's Warts." This is the cause of douche bag.

Please enter this in your Funk and Wagnall's.

PlatinumGirl said...

"after 5 years of therapy can’t handle the emotional turmoil of assembling a ham sandwich"

I know this person!

CaCaBoy said...

Scrapbooking freaks me out! I mean the options and crap (accessories) that go into these things is filthy!

A "guy" scrapbook is the bed post!

And yes, writting your thoughts in a blog makes it okay, and speaking it in public makes you a pariah!

Toni said...

Hee hee. I've been told that I'm a good palmist, and a TERRIFIC mouthist ;)

gusgreeper said...

SCRAPBOOKING scares me.
a lot.

Sudiegirl said...

Hey, I like scrapbooking! But I like the idea of the "ex-boyfriends scrapbook", and maybe it should be one of those coffee-table art book thingies! Can we collaborate?

Seriously, though, great post! Come visit me again soon...

Sudiegirl

amber lynn said...

Well, if you get paid to say this stuff, you can really go for offending everyone. You get paid more that way. I think comedians are just today's truth tellers for the most part.