- I object to the phrase “picking one’s brain” unless you’re filming a movie about zombies. If you need help -- seek someone’s counsel, ask for advice, seek somebody’s opinion. Please don’t “pick their brain” unless you’re a member of the undead or a werewolf.
- Whenever I ride the escalators at the mall I feel like royalty. It’s such a regal activity. Isn’t it? I feel elevated, important, distinguished. I half-expect a concierge to announce me when I arrive at the second floor. It’s never happened. Sometimes an old hag in a white suit will spray me with some Stetson cologne, though.
- Tofu is to meat as a blow-up doll is to a real, naked girl. They just ain’t the same thing.
Gotta shit. Gotta fart. Gotta pee.
Every joint on my bony body hurts.
When I take a crap it shoots in bloody spurts.
I can’t sit up. I can’t lie down. Help!
Every time I try to move I have to yelp.
Take a gander up my dress if you must.
Not much to see. Just a cavern filled with dust.
- The other day I saw a guy on a motorcycle riding in the carpool lane. Pure balls.
- I’ve often read surveys that ask men what they first notice in a woman. I answer that question with a question: Is she walking toward me or away from me?
- The difference between zero and a little is a lot. This idea gives me hope.
- What do you call a great-looking woman who’s not so bright? A foxymoron.