12/11/2005

Stocking-stuffers

  • I object to the phrase “picking one’s brain” unless you’re filming a movie about zombies. If you need help -- seek someone’s counsel, ask for advice, seek somebody’s opinion. Please don’t “pick their brain” unless you’re a member of the undead or a werewolf.
  • Whenever I ride the escalators at the mall I feel like royalty. It’s such a regal activity. Isn’t it? I feel elevated, important, distinguished. I half-expect a concierge to announce me when I arrive at the second floor. It’s never happened. Sometimes an old hag in a white suit will spray me with some Stetson cologne, though.
  • Tofu is to meat as a blow-up doll is to a real, naked girl. They just ain’t the same thing.

Ode to an Old Lady:

Oh my hip! Oh my back! Oh, m’knee!
Gotta shit. Gotta fart. Gotta pee.

Every joint on my bony body hurts.
When I take a crap it shoots in bloody spurts.

I can’t sit up. I can’t lie down. Help!
Every time I try to move I have to yelp.

Take a gander up my dress if you must.
Not much to see. Just a cavern filled with dust.

  • The other day I saw a guy on a motorcycle riding in the carpool lane. Pure balls.
  • I’ve often read surveys that ask men what they first notice in a woman. I answer that question with a question: Is she walking toward me or away from me?
  • The difference between zero and a little is a lot. This idea gives me hope.
  • What do you call a great-looking woman who’s not so bright? A foxymoron.

42 comments:

Nettie said...

Did you write that old lady thing?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Of course, Nettie. Don't hate me.

jules said...

Oh you have SO got to write a companion piece to the old lady poem (for the old man)
I'd be laughing if I wasn't starting to recognize myself in it.

Amanda said...

I'm with Jules...you've gotta give us the old man version too.

Chad said...

You know, just once, I'd like to be announced into a room. I think they should do it at strip clubs or porn shops. That would make me feel like a big shot.

I loved the joke about the foxymoron. I'll have to tell that one to my wife.

Avatar said...

I'm not so surprised by the motorcyclist in the carpool lane, since out here in CA, it's allowed, but what are your feelings on pregnant women driving in the carpool lane?

tornwordo said...

how funny. It reminds me of the time I went to brunch at a place where the entrance was at the top of an escalator. As I arrived, there was an old lady waiting for her table sitting in a chair facing the top of the elevator. As I neared the top of the escalator, I had a most shocking view of her shriveled snapper. I guess she forgot her underwear that day.

Harry Yak said...

i just wanted to let you know that i feel the same way about the whole picking somebody's brain thing. you can trust me when i say that the only time i have ever picked somebody's brain i was actualy picking their brain.

Julie said...

how about an Ode to the old lady who was a former foxymoron going up an escalator,,
All very funny indeed!!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

You can tell it's Monday...I thought you said "pickling one's brain".

Guess I did too much of that Saturday night and I'm still paying for it with this damn blurry vision.

I HATE it when that happens....

Peter said...

Hi LBB, the walking away or towards one floats my boat.

Nölff said...

gutsy move with the carpool lane.
Great looking woman who's not so bright.... Ann Coulter.

The Other Half said...

LMAO..nice one

Karen said...

Tofu is to meat like... toys to the real thing. LOL

That poem was a kick. Thanks for the laughs. Have a good day!

Junebugg said...

As always, "You da Man".

Foxymoron is now a part of American slang. You, sir, have coined a new phrase.

Dave Morris said...

I also feel royal when I'm riding the escalator. Then, when the cell phone sales douche-bag from the kiosk relentlessly accosts me 30 seconds later, it brings me right back down to earth.

Riss said...

HAHAHAHA a foxymoron. Jesus. But I am laughing my ass off.

I wouldn't mind an announcement at the top of the escalator. They should even hire a few people to curtsy. Would make me feel a bit better about the money I just spent.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think I will go "piggy back" on the brain picking.

gusgreeper said...

tofu hurts my belly

Tigre said...

I hate that phrase too...what's it suppose to mean?

Lizabeth said...

Loved the poem, but my favorite was the foxymoron. That was classic!

NWJR said...

"Foxymoron" should be added to the dictionary. It's just that good.

Gotta give you you props. THAT is brilliance.

Anonymous said...

I agree on "foxymoron"...it's better than the one my fiance came up with...what do you call a hooker who is also a missionary?

A "prosyletute"! (haha...sorry)

Sudiegirl

PS: When ya comin' back to visit me?

Spinning Girl said...

You're not true royalty until you ride the moving sidewalk at the airport. People f***ing BOW to you when you ride that thing, and you just pass them by, smiling and waving...

Smartypants said...

My parrot just yelled, "Son of a bitch!"

Which is way more funny than anything I could write at the moment.

Amandarama said...

Tofu is to meat as a blow-up doll is to a real, naked girl. They just ain’t the same thing.

I think a more accurate analogy is that tofu is to meat as "sweat sock, cardboard tube and vaseline" is to real, naked girl.

Or so I've been told.

The DogGrrrrl said...

Foxymoron. That's up there with IgnorAnus: the idiot who's also an asshole.

Anonymous Shannon said...

where should I begin....

tofu is the nastiest stuff that has ever been created!

Loved the poem! Are you going for a second career as a poet? Perhaps you could be the next Marlowe, Shakespear, etc.

The Orchestrator said...

What do you call a guy who slaps your ass? Your mom...wait no

Bennet said...

Pure balls indeed....

Hehehehehe...

I think that Ode could be made into a rapp....

I don't care much for rapp but I think Ice-t or one of them could make millions with that then use the funds to show off a new crib on MTV...Depressing I know, and I'm sorry.

FFFrapgirl said...

Foxymoron! Goodun!

But, I like tofu for tofu's sake!

FFFrapgirl said...

Bennet...it haint called rap anymore you old skool fucka!

Bennet said...

I know it's called hip hop....but I don't care to give in to their trend....

It's still RAPP ...hehehehe...

Molicious said...

Nice poem. I'll have to send that to my Gramma. It fits her to a tee.

nongirlfriend said...

The last one was the best!

Chick said...

That is why granny is so crabby...she must have read your ode to her.

poopie said...

Someday YOU"RE gonna be an old lady!

Amber Lynn said...

You are much better at poetry than I am.

Melonie said...

Foxymoron, he he he!

Ari said...

The bit about zero and a little just made me wonder what you're hoping for a little of... or a little less of?

Ari said...

I with you on "picking your brain" -- makes me think of a crow pulling brain chunks out of a smashed skull.

Toni said...

"Tofu is to meat as a blow-up doll is to a real, naked girl. They just ain’t the same thing"

I dunno Bug. Have you seen those RealDolls (www.realdoll.com)? They look pretty amazing.

I see motorcycle riders in the carpool lane ALL the damn time.

Love your Old Lady poem!