1/06/2006

LBB's New Year's Maxims

I know they’re late-coming, but here are 20 maxims for you to consider, ridicule, violently oppose and then accept as self-evident this New Year:

  • Happiness is part-time work.
  • Where talent errs, mediocrity criticizes.
  • Anybody who has more money than you is either lucky or greedy. Anybody who has less money than you is either dumb or lazy. And however much you have, the government has a damn good reason why you should be giving more of it to them.
  • Organized mediocrity often goes further than scattered genius.
  • Luckily many of the things we want are things somebody else is looking to get rid of.
  • Managing your finances does more for your net worth than managing your career.
  • The stronger one's political convictions, the more desperate one's desire to appear smarter and more enlightened.
  • Dentistry and auto repair are fine examples of legalized theft.
  • Psychotherapy is an effective means to understand why you can't change your mental problems.
  • With enough hustle on the graduate's part, his college education will increase his earning power enough to pay back his student loans over the course of his working life.
  • Tile is superior to carpeting. Blinds are superior to drapes. Shower doors are superior to curtains.
  • Your vehicle's/appliance's/home's particular problem will fall under the “normal wear and tear” clause of its warranty.
  • Humor is to one's mind as the liver is to one's body.
  • Nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor on a man is like long legs, big boobs and a short skirt on a girl.
  • If you were to study bloggers as a demographic, you'd find the most creative, entertaining, dynamic and brightest group of people on the planet.
  • The best remedy for a cold is heat. The best remedy for the flu is ice water.
  • People who insist they don't care what others think care the most what others think.
  • Every woman has one man from her past who will always be welcome in her present, and if you're not he, then your relationship with her will be in chronic jeopardy.
  • Guilt is the lever arm of politics. Political correctness is the fulcrum.
  • Automobiles enslave us to consumerism more than any other commodity.

40 comments:

Edgy Mama said...

Yes to automobiles. I have soooo been enslaved.

And yes, we are entertaining, dynamic, creative and brightest, aren't we?

Big semi-chaste New Year's kiss to you, LBB.

Amanda said...

"With enough hustle on the graduate's part, his college education will increase his earning power enough to pay back his student loans over the course of his working life."

That is the most honest statement I've ever read.

Spirit Of Owl said...

My maxim is 19 stone. I mean maximum. Weight a minute, you meant something else. I'm not obesed though. Uh, obsessed. I'm not obsessed. New year, new me. I know I'm in here somewhere. I'm only still typing because I'm waiting for someone to help me up.

Smartypants said...

"Every woman has one man from her past who will always be welcome in her present, and if you're not he, then your relationship with her will be in chronic jeopardy."

You scare me sometimes.

jules said...

"Nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor on a man is like long legs, big boobs and a short skirt on a girl."
True, but knowing how to work the old cock ranks right up there!

Elaine said...

"Dentistry and auto repair are fine examples of legalized theft."

True dat yo.

StringMan said...

"Every woman has one man from her past who will always be welcome in her present, and if you're not he, then your relationship with her will be in chronic jeopardy." Lived it. Was on the wrong end of that one.

Here's one to add: A man is most vulnerable when he's taking a dump. Lived that one, too.

Good stuff, Bug.

Frap Gurl said...

Bugg..the scattered Genius and organized mediocrity pissed me off! Take it back!

Very true, about that one guy that is always allowed back in the present! You nailed that!

Peter said...

"If you were to studygloggers as a demographic, you;d find the most creative, entertaining, dynamic andbrightest group of people on the planet."
Now come on people ya just know that's the one we want to be right!!!!!

Peter said...

If you like you could change that to read study bloggers and you'd, put a space in between and and brightest, but lets not get picky.

Barry S. said...

"People who insist they don't care what others think care the most what others think."

Very true, LBB. A lot of times the insisting is a facade for convincing - especially of themselves.

"If you were to study bloggers as a demographic, you'd find the most creative, entertaining, dynamic and brightest group of people on the planet."

On this one, please visit:

fictionscribe.blogspot.com

heh heh heh

Barry S. said...

Did you write "What's Shakin' in the Men's Room"?

Great!

KB said...

Haven't nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor on a man always been like long legs, big boobs and a short skirt on a girl? They have been in my Universe!

Men are judged more on personality and sense of humor than looks, at least in my book.

Melonie said...

"With enough hustle on the graduate's part, his college education will increase his earning power enough to pay back his student loans over the course of his working life."

This is a depressing thought as I sit down to fill out my new FASA!

actonbell said...

"Tile is superior to carpeting. Blinds are superior to drapes. Shower doors are superior to curtains" So true! Also, cars are a bitch for SO many reasons.

Pirate said...

your insight is right on as usual. You forgot when someone says its not personal, it is.

Nettie said...

Hey, that's great- I'm not lazy or greedy!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"If you were to study b**ggers as a demographic..." Well, this statement certainly applies to YOU, kid. And maybe the other 105 people on my b**groll.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

So that is why so many people have yard sales and why some many people go to them....

ChickyBabe said...

Thought proviking list. The one about the man from the past is so true! Does the reverse apply too?

Anonymous Shannon said...

At least cars won't mess up your bean bags as bad as mentioned in your last post. Unless you consider that you take it up the rear oin gas prices.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Very insightful!

tornwordo said...

Unbelievable, I agreed with each and every one. And have even thought a few of them, weird.

Amandarama said...

"Nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor on a man is like long legs, big boobs and a short skirt on a girl. "

That is so true.

Sphinx said...

Great post. True and enjoyable to the core :-)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Once again, you amaze with your genius. :)

So, where do these ideas come to you....as you drift off to sleep at night, while you're having that first cup of coffee and BM of the day???

Just curious....

Dave Morris said...

What you said about bloggers is mostly true... but it appears there's an easy way to find the bad ones - the "next blog" button.

NWJR said...

Bankruptcy is the solution to the student loan dilemma.

Tile is superior to carpeting.

Yes, there's nothing like stepping out of the shower with wet feet onto a slippery tile floor!

Nice eyes, a great smile and a sense of humor on a man is like long legs, big boobs and a short skirt on a girl.

Sheesh. And here I've been counting on great legs and a short skirt to get me through. That explains a lot...

Teaspoon said...

In response to the maxims.

I agreed.

I disagreed.

I laughed.

I thoughtfully considered.

poopie said...

All very true.

Miss Sassy said...

Did you put that blogger note in there as a testament to your actual feelings or just to stroke your reader's ego??

Either way, I am intruged, fascinated, and overwhelmingly happy to not be the only one who feels this way on these things.

Well done =)

Video X said...

"The stronger one's political convictions, the more desperate one's desire to appear smarter and more enlightened."...right on...

haha...i see the point of the whole "one man from her past" thing...but i feel that way about men concerning women. i burn bridges. if i didnt like him them, i dont like him now, and never will like him. easier that way. but then i'm probably just an ass.

PlatinumGirl said...

I liked this post. But, I do prefer shower curtains. Who wants to squeegee a stupid shower door every day? :0)

Avatar said...

Shower doors suck. All hail vinyl!

Chick said...

"Every woman has one man from her past who will always be welcome in her present..."

Smartypants is right...you're scaring me with your insight on this one.

I didn't really realize this statement was true...till I read it here.

Nettie said...

I wanna shower door, it sounds so appealing.

nongirlfriend said...

I'll attest to the dentist thing. He stole my beak.

Carrie said...

I HATE AUTOMOBILES! happy new year.

Nölff said...

As I watched Las Vegas on NBC I noticed they had a plug for the Chevy-SUV-truck tractor-whatever-you-call-it.

Billy said...

Damn fine post man, thoroughly enjoyed it. Fine insight you have.