1/24/2006

Monkeyshines

I've been perusing my blog and I was shocked to notice how immature and vulgar my writing has been lately: name-calling, gay sex, enemas with alcoholic beverages, bathroom humor, human genitalia. When did I become so vulgar? I owe my readers more than that. I have more class. Surely I can dream up something more sophisticated than Brokeback Mountain innuendo and boob philosophy. So this year I resolve to clean up my act. Hold me to it.

Everybody who goes to the zoo gets an eyeful at the monkey cage. Those tree-bound fellas sure do like to masturbate. And they have no qualms about doing it in the presence of onlookers – even on a Sunday. Why is that? Is the zookeeper playing Black-Eyed Peas videos back there? I don't know what it is about monkey cages that makes them forever like after school in junior high. God gives monkeys opposable thumbs and THIS is all they can come up with?

Frankly, I don't know how monkeys pull it off (rim-shot!) with everybody watching. Don't they get stage fright? Maybe they don't realize they have an audience. But they do. And what do we do? We point and laugh. Then we cajole and vex. We harass them. It's a big damn joke. Remember those field trips to the zoo in junior high school? You and 3 or 4 of your buddies would catch a chimp pulling his crank and you'd laugh like gangbusters. Dudes! Check out that ape, man. He's totally whackin' off. Ha ha! He's doing an impression of you, Zack.

Yes, it's a big joke to us, isn't it? We all giggle at the monkey cage. But have you ever considered that the joke is on us? What if the monkeys enjoy being watched? What if they get off on it? Suddenly it's not so funny anymore. Now we're willing participants in some perverted monkey's masturbatory fantasy. What kind of sick, twisted game are we playing here? For all we know the monkeys go back into the cave and laugh their asses off at us. They're really smart, you know. Maybe they contrived the entire scene and made us the pawns of their perverted games. If so, then we've been used. We've been had. We've even been filmed. Think of how many camcorders you see at the zoo. Jeez! I hope I don't show up on the Internet.

Don't be a victim. Avoid the masturbating monkeys at the zoo. And join the fight. I've been advocating for a Primate Sex Registry at my local zoo. We all should have the right to be informed about primate sexual offenders living in our zoos. Contact your local zoologist and insist on it.

32 comments:

Dave Morris said...

And here all this time, I've been wasting my time watching the gnus beat off.

PlatinumGirl said...

I wouldn't be standing around watching that -- everyone knows the primates' second favorite thing to do is fling stuff at people!

Katherine said...

hahahaha, you crack me up!

NWJR said...

Nice resolution.

Just remember: when you're making Brokeback Mountain jokes, these guys aren't cowboys. "Cowboy" is defined as "A hired man, especially in the western United States, who tends cattle and performs many of his duties on horseback". These guys don't tend cattle. In the movie, they're itinerant ranchers hired to herd sheep. Technically, that makes them "sheep wranglers".

With that in mind, I'm certain you can come up with much more creative innuendo (no pun intended) when commenting on the movie.

No need to thank me. I'm here to help.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Truthfully, if I had my choice, I'd come back as a chimp or a baboon. I could sit around eating bananas and sunning myself; masturbate out in the open... REPEATEDLY... PISTON or JACKHAMMER like (assuming, of course, I was reanimated as a MALE), and of course, the best of the best: FLING MY POOP. Of course there's the downside of having to pick and eat my mate's nits, but hey, I'd be a monkey and not know any better.

joey♥ said...

haha. we are very closely related to primates, and this is evidence.

thnx for stopping by. you're funny.

Bryan Peters said...

I saw some turtles gettin' freaky at the zoo once. It was the slowest process you've ever seen. The male was on top (turtle-style) and slooooowly craned his neck out and let out a loud, slow grunt. then he would pull his neck back and repeat the process every 30 seconds.

I came back an hour later and they were still doing it. And the whole time the female looked like she was bored to death. But then, I guess all turtles look like they're bored.

Teaspoon said...

I guess that resolution did last long then :-)

Junebugg said...

Such insight! I take it you've been doing lots of research at the monkey cage? Perhaps comparing wanking techniques with the chimps?

toxic twat said...

Can we name the registry Funky Monkey Wank Watch? How I would love to design their logo...

Laundering Jew said...

My mother told me that the monkeys who were masterbating used to actually be little boys. Masterbating made them hairy and turned them into chimps. I think that's why I'm gay. That, and my mom always asking for decorating advice. . . .

Miss Sassy said...

Thanks for cleaning up the site... images of wanking chimps is way better than shithouse haiku.

I had wanted to go to the zoo this weekend too... your kinda making it sound like a trip to the adult book store would be a more homely destination.
Oh, and I can't wait for the "Monkeys Gone, Well, Wild" video - you standing in front of the shelfs with your picket sign and shouted warnings to the school teacher who wants to teach zoology.
Get um, LBB.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am sure glad you quit talking about sex. I was just beginning to think you might have to be caged. (But you apparently would like that. Heh.)

Peter said...

Yer a sick twisted man BB, very funny, but sick and twisted.

CaCaBoy said...

What if the monkeys CAN'T see us? Doesn't masturbating make you blind? aNd TyPe ReAlLy WeIrD?

jules said...

I'll never take the kids on a field trip to the zoo again. Thanks bugs butt.

Memphis Steve said...

What's so wrong with boobs and farts and jokes about Brokeback Mountain and all that? If it makes you laugh go for it.

StringMan said...

Do you suppose Jane Goodall ever gave a chimp a handjob?

Avatar said...

//When did I become so vulgar? I owe my readers more than that. I have more class.//

Eons ago. No, you don't. No you don't.

For what it's worth, some of your readers like you just that way.

Latigo Flint said...

You're a magnificent bastard LBB. Do you know this?

tornwordo said...

I dunno, I kinda like the vulgarity.

Only you could rightly post on monkey masturbation. Well done.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Good job with that whole "resolve to clean up my act". Masterbating monkey is MUCH cleaner than your more recent blog posts...;)

And maybe we like coming here and reading about enemas, bathroom humor and alcoholic beverages???

I know I do...but I'm kinda weird that way so....

kari said...

HOW do you come up with this stuff??

Video X said...

vulgar is just fine...anything else is overated whenever it's convenient!

holy moly. i love the thought of being watched and i think you are right about those monkeys. i was actually quite disturbed once by a couple squirrels in the backyard...violent i tell you! that chick squirrel didnt even want it! i still watched though. ew...i'm feeling sick with myself now.

Anti-Blogger said...

Spank AND Shock the monkey.

A little bit of self-gratification with S&M thrown in.

SugarHigh said...

i like you just the way you are LBB. just like them there monkeys, we get off on your vulgarity. ;)

Sonic Reducer said...

Maybe they like an audience. Don't you?

Lynn said...

Since when is gay sex vulgar?

poopie said...

Who you callin' an old broad dear???

Toni said...

I've never seen monkeys jack off at the zoo, but one time at the zoo I saw a bat sucking his own dick- upside down! He was first just hanging on a branch right next to the little window, but then like an acrobat, he bends upwards and starts sucking.

At that moment a field trip of 3rd graders was coming towards the bat exhibit, and I started tapping on the glass to get the bat to stop. He wouldn't. I felt bad that the kids would get a weird sex lesson from a bat, but at the same time I thought it would be funny.

Anyway, the bat stopped once the kids got to the window.

Jamie Dawn said...

I've been to many zoos, and fortunately I've never seen a monkey spanking his, uh... you know.

Sweetie said...

This story reminds me of a family trip to the Bronx Zoo. My husband's Aunt from Jersey was so amazed at the whopper of a wanker on the male Baboon she forgot she was in a public place.

In front of the family and the rest of the Zoo she exclaimed:

"Look at the big red...!!!"

You could actually see 'ol boy swaggering.