Why is name-calling taboo? Is it really so awful? Personally, I think the practice has merit. I take exception to society's edict of no name-calling. I don't think we've given name-calling the consideration it deserves. Have you ever watched a political debate where one candidate says "how unfortunate my opponent has sunk to the level of name-calling...?" That's when I yell at the TV. "Up yours, you sanctimonious blowhard." We need more name-calling in politics especially. Have you seen the jerk-offs we're sending to Washington? I've been watching the Senate hearings on our latest Supreme Court nominee and I long for an insult-thesaurus! I'm fresh out of names to call these people!

Everybody reminds me that name-calling is an "inappropriate" way to express my dissatisfaction with another because it's "disrespectful" or some bullshit. The other day the HR Assistant Director at my work explained how she wants to stop seeing me in her office for calling my coworkers "pinheads" and "dipshits." Evidently these terms qualify as "derogatory." No kidding, lady. That's the effect I was going for. Do you want me to compliment Carl for taking half a day to answer the phone? Anyway, then she throws a pamphlet in my face about how our organization values respect for coworkers. Do you see the irony here? She would show me far more respect calling me a jerk than by reading me a pamphlet full of propaganda and newspeak. I understand the word "jerk." I can deal with it. I don't understand pamphlets full of psychobabble and PCBS (politically correct bullshit). Hey HR lady, why don't you lift the frank and kiss the beans?

Name-calling is quick and efficient (like good lovemaking). The practice of name-calling is like a filing system. It keeps all the players organized in one's head. Would you keep all your documents in a big pile and read each one as you needed to identify it? No. You draft a system of files. Then you put each different kind of document in the appropriate file. That way you don't have to read every document 17 times. People are the same way. Why should I have to listen to what somebody has to say just to rediscover he's a dipshit? I'm a fair guy. Everybody gets a chance to establish a reputation with me. But once I know what kind of person I'm dealing with, I'm stamping a label on him/her and filing them in my mental cabinet. If some unfortunate soul earns the label of "dipshit," I'll immediately know to discount everything he says without considering its credence. Name-calling (even if one does it in the privacy of one's mind) is a time-saver.

The virtue of name-calling resides in making conflicts personal. After all, it's not so much the annoying behavior I despise. It's the guy doing it. Absent him, the annoying behavior would never have a chance to happen. So calling the actor a name makes sense. It's quick and efficient. For example, I work with this guy, Carl. Fuckin' Carl! I could approach Carl "respectfully"and say something like
"Hey Carl. I'd like to dialogue with you for a moment about a problem I see developing. Although I respect you as a person and a colleague, I take exception to you chewing the ass-end of your pen all day while I do all the work. To wit, the most productive thing you've done today was to take a dump between the hours of nine and ten. I need some more help around the office. I know you'd like to contribute more than feces and gnarly pens to our organization. So let's work toward a win-win scenario."

I'm sorry I had to drag the reader through that rhetorical crap. Look at all those wasted words in the above exchange between Carl and me. I belabored that issue to death. Yet the crux of my reproach remains unclear; I've diluted it with feel-good verbiage. Watch how I could have handled Carl instead:

"Carl? You're a weapons-grade dipshit." Or, I could have called Carl a douchebag. This is what Shakespeare meant when he wrote the immortal passage "a rose by any other name is just as sweet." A Carl by any other name is just as big a dipshit.

Do you see how much more effective the latter example was? Unencumbered with the duty of respect for my coworkers, I was able to express my idea succinctly. And with the time I saved I could pick up Carl's slack – which is what my thankless boss expects from me, anyway. Hey, maybe I could appeal to HR for a "dipshit premium" whereby I make two bucks per hour more when I work with Carl. I think I'll propose that the next time HR summons me.

I hope you'll consider shedding the societal edict of "no name-calling" as I have. Don't bow to peer-pressure and convention. Think independently just like the bumper sticker tells you. Name-calling isn't so bad. In fact, it's a virtue. It will enrich your life. It will reduce stress at the workplace. It will improve marital relations. It may even get you out of a traffic ticket. And it will most definitely help you watch TV, especially the evening news.


Carl said...

You're such a fuckstain. You do make a good point, though.

Elaine said...

THIS should be the HR pamphlet.
Aptly named:
"Lift The Franks, And Kiss The Beans."
an employees guide to office relations


JJ said...

It keeps the mind fresh...sharp. Coming up with the perfect name ain't easy! My 4 y/o current favorite is "friggin idiot assy!" I know. I'm so proud of him! LOL

Video X said...

i love name calling. it can be so effective! much agreed! i especially forgot about "pinhead"...i need to practice that today so it's in my head. "jerk" is one of my favorites...really it's much more effective than even asshole or something...strange how that works. but if i call someone a fucker they dont care so much...call them a jerk and it's a totally different story.

i dont want to give into peer pressure, but i want to keep my job and as we have just recently had sexual harrassment training everyone is up in arms about being offeneded lately. i just close my door.

Lyvvie said...

Poker would be no fun without name-calling. It's a necessity to seek out new and more colourful ways to psyche out that cigar smoking fuckface sitting across from me (But I do love him so)


Spirit Of Owl said...

I completely agree. It's categorisation, that's all. If Dick and Fanny are jerks then they're jerks. Man, if that's not ok, are we going to have to do away with words like male, female, liberal, conservative, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Arab, black, white, and even redneck? It doesn't bear thinking about.

Lizabeth said...

Come on you assbag, I'm applying for a job in the HR Department right now! Haha, I can't wait to be the one to lift your frank and kiss the beans. Actually I'm applying for a recruiter role. You'd be safe with me.

TamWill said...

Name calling is a health way to vent your true feelings!
Here are a couple I use on my husband:

Bucketheat, Shark-bait stud muffin (which he despises)and Mack Daddy (yeah he likes that one)!

Your post is right on!

Miss Sassy said...

"Think independently just like the bumper sticker tells you."

Fantastic closing arguement.
I agree that refering to my coworkers by their categorical distinctions is much easier for my mind to grapple with than actual names or job titles.

Your itemized logical commentary on this topic has me wanting to relabel their files though... Menthol Maggot, Scankasorous Tits, Closet Clown, Sweet on the Teet, ... yeah, this is going to be a work project I can really sink my day into.
Thanks for bringing to my attention this urgent project. Most appreciated - and your support, well, worth a lift and lick in my book =)

poopie said...

Damn right, asshat :)

PlatinumGirl said...


"lift the frank and kiss the beans"

At once gross and funny.

StringMan said...

I have nicknames for just about everyone I work with, although most are not vocalized. But when I walk by their cubes or office and see their name plate, I don't see "Michael Smith" or "Annette Emerson" - I see names like "Haywood", as in Haywood Jabloeme, or "Anita" as in Anita Mandalay. I forget, sometimes, and refer to "Anita", and then people look puzzled. "Ooops. I mean Annette".

Anti-Blogger said...

I have so many names to call you, but I need to go. Maybe later.

Edgy Mama said...

You are one brilliant fucker, LBB.

kari said...

I'm on board! I want my life to be enriched. Send me the pamphlet. There is one isn't there? A pamphlet? I need a pamphlet. Then again...I'm probably a dumb ass.

Spinning Girl said...

I hate to correct you, but I looked up "fuckwad" in the dictionary and it said, "see: carl".
Great post!
I'd elaborate, but I have some quick & efficient lovemaking to get to.

jules said...

I have names for all my coworkers and the kids I work with. They're just not all publishable due to the liable suits that would end up pending against me.

Smartypants said...

I like "asswipe." I think it has a good ring to it.

Also, as a variation, "asslick."

NWJR said...

What the fuck are you talking about, ass-stick? If you could extricate your cranium from your rectum for more time than it takes to check out the latest Pabst commercial, you'd realize that only a complete dumbass would make such a fucked-up observation!


That did enrich my life! I do feel virtuous! Thanks, you clever little motherfucker!

now you've got me thinking: if you're right, does that mean you're not an ass-stick?

tornwordo said...

With the exception of racial epithets, I'm on board. I've been called an asshole many times over and yet I derive a certain pride from that. When you're right about something, people often call you an asshole.

As always... Rachael said...

I'm achronic name-caller and I have been repressing myself... finally I can breathe. You are so right LBB. I will no longer reserve "Fuck You in you shriveled cunt!" for the old lady in the car in front of me who comes to a complete stop to turn right at the green light! That old had can't hear me anyway. It makes more sense to berate people face to face... how else will they realize they suck?

I was going to call you a name, but I just can't do it. I admire you too much. But I will call my husband a dickhead over breakfast tomorrow. I'll call my children spoiled trick monkeys. Then I'll look in the mirror and say "hey, beautiful, what'sup!"

Toni said...

You know what'd be cool? If we extended name calling by using old fashioned words a la Mr. Burns. You can call Carl a boisterous lollygag, or a scalywag, or a bangersnatch, or something weird like that.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oooo...when The PK and I argue, there's a plethora of um..."nick-names" we call each other.

Every single cuss...er, I mean, "nick-name" in the book...we've used 'em ALL. Keeps it interesting, you know...;)

Dave Morris said...

You're such a asswipe.

Pronounced: azz-WEE-pay.

Thanks for the laugh, great stuff as usual!

Avatar said...

I'm a fan of "sanctimonious prick" and "dick-smacking douchebag", myself.

oregoncelticlady said...

I vote for "yes" as long as there is thought involved and they are polysylabic...compound words don't count!

Ghost Dog said...

Adding "weapons-grade" to any insult is totally Airwolf. I should start doing that.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I've always been a fan of short and kurt ones like:
Fuck Nutz
Pecker Breath
Turd Wrangler

but a really good one molds and melds like a craftsman folding steel for a fine cutting sword.

Scrotum cheeked felch master!

Or something like that.

Some of the best names come in the projected assumptions of ones mental capacity or personal habits. I've asked some people before, "Are you t-t-t-tarded?" when they allowed stupidity to run amuck. Or informed them that "less masterbating and more working" will make the day go by faster.

It's all good.

the Monk said...

My personal favourite is chaatfuck, if you remember my post about chaat....

Frap Gurl said...

Chaaat fuck! Never heard that..I like it!

I will stick to the universal "fucker"..oh and "cunt"! When "fucker" doesn't cut it..go for the jugular!