1/12/2006

Red wine vignettes

SUVs and pick-up trucks should have a message etched into the side-view mirrors: "Warning, driving this vehicle will not increase the length nor girth of your penis."

Have you ever migrated to the extremes of the radio dial? Try it. Usually at about 107 megahertz or so you'll find either classical music, or serial killer programming. I have an SKP channel in my town. The line-up is out of sight. At 10 PM, they have Body Disposal. Next is the Decapitation Hour. From midnight until 2 AM is my personal favorite: Knot-Tying and Homemade Poisons. Next week Robert Blake guest-hosts.

Boner pills. I don't want to see commercials where a man and woman are raking leaves together. I want to see bodies humping. I want to hear beds squeaking and balls slapping. Sell these pills already. Remind the old fellas what they've been missing. Just digitally blur the franks, beans and tacos so it'll squeak by the FCC.

Boobs will turn ordinary men into great philosophers. Fake versus real. Big versus small. What shape is most attractive? Which nipples are most aesthetic? The ramifications of Wonder Bras. Such are the great questions of our Age. True story: one of my friends opined that fake boobs aren't really fake at all because they actually exist; you can touch them. Move over Aristotle.

What happened to cabooses? You don't see them on the back of trains anymore. If I were the guy who worked in the caboose, I'd be pretty upset about that. I hope those guys have a good union. What do you suppose they call those guys, anyway? The guy who drives the engine is called the engineer. Was the guy who rode the caboose a caboosier?

Attempting to escape, a housefly repeatedly dive-bombed my kitchen window. What a foolish little fella, I thought. Doesn't he get it? As I watched him, I repeatedly burned my mouth with a microwave Mexican dinner, but it was so delicious I couldn't stop. I continued scalding my tongue with chicken taquitos and cussing like a drunken sailor. At that moment, I realized I'm not so different from a fly.

During the 2004 elections, the news showed a film clip of an election official supervisor observing the polls. The strange thing was, he was wearing an eye patch. I swear this is true. How can I ask this delicately and without offending the visually impaired? Why did we put a cyclops in charge of spotting voter fraud? Anyone who wanted to commit election-day hijinks simply had to move to the official's left. Why don't we put Charlie Manson in charge of the anti-Cult Task Force? How about a deaf-mute judging American Idol (based on the results, that may already be the case)?

Beer Bongs: if you're power-injecting an alcoholic beverage down your gullet, you have a problem with alcohol. I'm just saying. Of course the Mule-Piss Light or whatever beer college kids drink necessitates bypassing the taste buds somehow. A beer bong serves that purpose. But these college kids need show some conviction. If you want to make a spectacle of your drinking, tap a pressurized keg with an enema tip and jam that thing up your ass. Then have a guys pump the crank and shoot about 6 liters of beer up your colon. It packs a great buzz and you'll be the talk of the frat party. And when your buddies poke you in the butt, they'll get a contact buzz. Brokeback Mountain meets Milwaukee's Best.

Publisher's note: I realize the last line in the last vignette was a cheap shot. Brokeback Mountain enjoys overwhelming critical acclaim. It has great cinematic merit for its production values and its groundbreaking subject matter, and it promises to leave a high-water mark (at least I hope that's water!) in American cinema. Nevertheless, over the next few months this blog will feature a lot of cheap, tasteless, adolescent derision on the fine film, Tent Pole Mountain.

47 comments:

As always... Rachael said...

HA HA HA... The drug companies would never use such a tactic. Too many men would become aroused and realize they don't need the damn pills afterall!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Beer enemas, huh? Interesting....;)

Eh, then again...maybe not so much. Ewwww.......

The Christian Laundering Jew said...

I was, not too long ago, suffering from erectile dysfunction and decided to try out an "all natural" form of viagra from an email I received. I placed my order and, much to my surprise, porn arrived at my home. I'm happy to report that it worked wonders. I highly recommend Bareback Mountain, Shaving Ryan's Privates, and Must Love Dog-gy Style.

tornwordo said...

So funny, everytime I see a guy driving a Hummer, I think "it must suck to have such a small penis"

Half the time I watch drug commercials, I have no idea what malady is being talked about. If they just called them Boner Pills or Pee Stoppers, it would help considerably.

Barry S. said...

I once migrated to the AM radio extremes and found a Chinese shortwave station...yes, I listen to AM. I have added Sirius to the mix, though.

As far as the SUV warnings go, I would add Porsches and Corvettes as well, and that is why I drive a GEO Prizm.

"Why don't we put Charlie Manson in charge of the anti-Cult Task Force?"

Did you hear about the Guatemalan Drug Czar, tirelessly fighting the war on drugs in his country?

He was arrested for drug smuggling.

I suppose it takes all kinds.

Elaine said...

I love "Tent Pole Mountain" but those damn boner pill commercials in between really bug...

Anonymous Shannon said...

You know, the Spanish actually enjoyed tequila originally in the fashion suggested in your beer colonic description for college kids. Unfortunately what I just said is absolutely true. i guess it brings new meaning to the term dunk a**.

Molicious said...

Will driving an SUV increase the length or girth of my vagina? Cause I really hope not.

Spirit Of Owl said...

American Idol is judged by a dickhead, a bimbo and a jerk. Giving them sensory disabilities might actually improve their chances of finding talent!

Carrie said...

brokeback mountain....should have a slovakian twist to it.

funny post.

StringMan said...

I drive a sub-compact. Line up, ladies!

More Tentpole!

Tentpole! Tentpole! Tentpole!

jules said...

And just what do YOU drive bug man?

Edgy Mama said...

Have you seen Tent Pole Mountain yet? I want the complete and totally irreverent LBB review.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

My wife crazy, Jules. And sometimes a 2-door sedan.

KB said...

LBB I laughed so hard at this post that I actually had a steady stream of tears running down my face.

Thank you. ;-)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The guys in the caboose were actually called (by management) "featherbedders." It was a make-work job: These guys were supposed to make sure another train didn't smack them in the rear end. Which never happened, but it was nice they were on guard. ("Featherbed" because all these guys had to do all day was sleep.)

Avatar said...

//tap a pressurized keg with an enema tip and jam that thing up your ass. Then have a guys pump the crank and shoot about 6 liters of beer up your colon.//

The incredible detail of that bit tells me you've done this before.

Also, "Bareback Mountain", my friend.

Smartypants said...

I'm sure I've already written this before but I've seen guys in over-sized trucks with fake balls hanging off their truck's trailer hitches.

Yay them.

The Orchestrator said...

They should use Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger on the boner commercial.

Teaspoon said...

I love SKP.

One of my favorite songs is "Screams in the Night" - by Manson.

I tell you there is nothing quite like hearing a series of bloodcurling screams right before closing your eyes to go to sleep. You can really feel the pain and loss of the victims.

(yes I know that that was in extremely bad taste. If any relatives of any of the victims of Mason read this, I sincerely apologize.)

Miss Sassy said...

I have to comment on the King of the Hill Turned Thebes comment (mostly because no one else did and I let out a "uuuuuhhhhhaaaaahahaahaha" for it)...
Its amazing to find out these people can formulate, compose, edit, and deliver logical debates on the topic.
Especially when, heretofore, they would take the challenge of bypassing the stomach in the 'lets get buzzed' part of the evening.
Perhaps more amazing is the aptitude for gay men to partake in the exact same conversation (including the same bullet points and three part outline) when given half a chance.
Well, with me in the room its more like a chance and a half - then adding the Miracle Bra its like two chances... anyway, their attention to detail of the subject left me feeling less subjected than "hey, can I feel them and see if they're real?" I get from BigTruckMan =)

Melonie said...

I have become a reader to the internet impaired. I read your blog to my friend Anna all the time. We both find you funny as hell.

the Monk said...

hmmm....is it weird that I really want to see this movie now?

nongirlfriend said...

I can't think of anything worse than watching two rednecks fornicate.

Except for maybe drinking out of a beer bong.

Still...gay sex and Jakey...mmm.

Frap Gurl said...

Brokeback Mountain..too much just in the title to not reference it Bug! Prod away!

HAHA... Prod! prod!

Lyvvie said...

I think this entire post was a secret message to encourage women to fly out to AZ for a night of unrepentant passion with the flashing bottomed one. subconscious seduction at it's best.

SUVs and pick-up trucks should have a message etched into the side-view mirrors: "Warning, driving this vehicle will not increase the length nor girth of your penis."

We can assume that LBB doesn't drive one of these and therefore already in possession excellent length and girth.


Have you ever migrated to the extremes of the radio dial?

What other extremes might he show us??


Boner pills.

O my...

Boobs will turn ordinary men into great philosophers.

Nice to know LBB's a breast philosopher and not a letch. (He was the one who opened my eyes to HNT.)

What happened to cabooses?

Boners, Boobs and cabooses...oh my!

Attempting to escape, a housefly repeatedly dive-bombed my kitchen window.

Okay, I admit I haven't worked this one out...but will rent the movie The Fly and see if it correleates. I'm thinking there may some chase-me games to be had with a rolled up newspaper...but not sure.

During the 2004 elections, the news showed a film clip of an election official supervisor observing the polls.The strange thing was, he was wearing an eye patch.

Some dressing up fun and Arrg Pirates ahoy! fun!

Beer Bongs: if you're power-injecting an alcoholic beverage down your gullet, you have a problem with alcohol.

Which will of course have an effect on performance and is a definate no no.

Oh yeah, Buggy, I'm onto your game!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Your deductive powers are extraordinary, Livvie.

Dave Morris said...

I won't fly to Arizona. I won't fly to Arizona.

I WON'T fly to ARIZONA!

Hey, wait, I'm not gay. Never mind.

kari said...

My blog is screwed up and now you're deleting my comments?? Life sucks.

kari said...

Never mind. I didn't comment after all. I just imagined that I did. *sigh*

SugarHigh said...

sweet jeebus, you are too farking funny.
your little bit about the fly and you had me rolling. I often question my husband when i see him burning the ever-loving hell out of his mouth just so that he can get his food down immediately. is this a male trait- must eat good food immediately no matter what the cost?
as for the boner pills, i agree- enough with the touching each other's hair, giggling, and playing "i see you" on the porch, let's see the banging!
you're brilliant by the way.

Used Hack said...

I ride the caboose every chance I get. :)

poopie said...

You have just explained the male mind with that one simple truth about real boobs. Heh. Love my alias ;)

Marel Lecone said...

"cheap, tasteless, adolescent"

But, I still cracked a few smiles. :) Very funny stuff.

Jon said...

Where I'm from, only skinny, sub-5 foot tall soccer mom's drive SUVs.

And they drive them just like those short guys...

Can I suggest a gender-non specific mirror warning like:

Warning: Your driving style may or may not cause the person in this mirror to stop when you flip this vehicle. And you, will.

or

Warning: This size of this vehicle will not increase your personal strength or mass when you are pulled from it. You are not a Transformer.

Junebugg said...

I have a very nice caboose to go with my boobs. Does this mean that I make me go off their rails?

Memphis Steve said...

Cabooses were replaced by a computer that does the same thing. Even so, it's weird to see trains without them.

chosha said...

The guy at the poll was literally 'turning a blind eye'. Hmmm.

Nettie said...

LBB- email me, please, nettiebelle-at-gmail.com. Gracias!

Sudiegirl said...

Hey mon:

That makes me think of the case in TX last year where a man died after his girlfriend gave him a sherry enema.

Remind me to never drink at your house.

j/k...happy MLK Jr. birthday, man!

Sudiegirl

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

You should try a Jack Daniels viniette!

"I love every body! And I am one sexxxy man!" That was how my last one went!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

hehehhehe

I heart you, Butt.

Anti-Blogger said...

Fake

Riss said...

As usual I laughed out loud. Like the Levitra or Viagra commercial where the guy goes into work all happy. Stop alluding to his long night of bumpin uglies. It needs to be shown. Though I'm not all that keen on geriatric porn.

Bennet said...

Always funny.

Now true, it's not fake boobs in the physical properties of matter, etc...however when I see a boob 5 times bigger than the head of the person it's attached to I tend to think big isn't always better....Some day that thing's gonna migrate south, and it won't be so pretty.

Toni said...

"Why did we put a cyclops in charge of spotting voter fraud?"

Oh man...I just about lost it when I read that sentence. I'm still laughing!

By the way, isn't the name of that movie Bareback Mountain?

No?

Maybe it should be.

mckay said...

stellar blog, butt!

re: Fake boobs being real just because they exist... my ex hubby had the same philosophy regarding fake diamond rings, “That’s not a fake diamond! It’s a real cubic zirconium.”