1/31/2006

Sex and sports metaphor.

When I was an adolescent I was fascinated with the baseball metaphor for sexual conquest. Do you remember it? Each base (1st, 2nd, 3rd, or Home Run) corresponded to a degree of sexual activity, beginning with a kiss (1st) and concluding (hopefully, and often with the help of liquor) with intercourse, the Home Run. Fondling breasts was a double. Finger-banging was a triple. The logic of this distinction escapes me. If you're touching body parts, you should be at the same base no matter the part. In fact, the baseball metaphor is plagued with ambiguity. This leads me to my point.

Having committed the baseball metaphor to memory, I find it lacking in nuance and detail. How can one communicate all the variables of courtship using only four bases, a strike-out (no sexual activity and a waste of a $40 dinner at Red Lobster!) and a foul ball (to depict non-tongue kisses)? For example, let's say you hit a home run. The rest of the guys in the locker room understand that you had intercourse with the girl. But what kind? Was it a zipper-to-zipper exchange under the highschool bleachers? Did you barely pop the tip in before she went into a DEFCON 5 Catholic guilt trip and tell you to stop before either of you gets chance to enjoy it? And what of the position? Doggy-style, missionary, bottom/top? "Home run" leaves one's friends woefully uninformed. And what the hell is the point of having sex if you can't tell your buddies about it in vivid detail the next day? Christ! You might as well wait for a woman whom you respect and admire, marry her and then copulate! Don't be a square.

Competitive sports make a fine analogy for sexual conquests. One symbolizes the other. But why use baseball when another sport offers a much deeper lexicon for sexual activity? Of course that sport is hockey.

Hockey is rich in sexual metaphor. It gives the storyteller a wealth of code to communicate sexual activity, should he endeavor to master its dialect. Below are some examples of how one can use hockey to depict sexual conquests to his gawking friends the next day. As you read, note the superiority of hockey to baseball.

One last note about baseball. It's obsolete. Three-forths of the baseball lexicon depicts sexual activity concluding before intercourse. Nonsense. This isn't the 1950s. Today it's a given kids are going to go all the way – either that, or give/get a "Monica." Hockey sheds the obsolete language of hugs, kisses and fondles, and devotes chapters of material to the nuance and detail of hard-core sex. After all, we are the MTV Generation.

The term "score" means having intercourse. A goal in hockey is, as one might suspect, the object of the game just as sexual intercourse is the object of a date.

Another familiar hockey term, "high-sticking" means copulating with a woman well above you in stature, comeliness and class, yet performing on her the most vile, deviant sexual acts just to bring her down a notch.

"Slap-shot" denotes the ricochet sound one's ballsack makes with her buttocks.

"Penalty shot" is any circumstance under which your date loses consciousness (usually through alcohol or other intoxicant) and you get to take a free shot at her.

In hockey, "hooking" is the illegal use of one's stick. In sexual courtship, "hooking" means using your penis in a crude, bizarre manner and where she takes offense at the gesture, such as concealing one's penis in a bucket of popcorn at the movies. The "popcorn surprise" is a classic example of hooking.

Another hockey term, the "lie" is the angle made by the shaft of the hockey stick and the blade. In courtship, the "lie" a verbal device for eliciting sexual favor, usually by deceiving your date into believeing you're a licensed professional, exceptionally rich, a secret agent or a kick-boxing poet.

The "dead puck" is not just a hockey puck that has exited the confines of the rink. It's also a date who's clarified over dinner that tonight will not end in sexual activity.

"Checking" is the practice of clandestine touches about her breasts and buttocks to asses her sexual responsiveness. Often one guises this gesture as "accidental" or as incidental contact when helping her with her coat.

"Power-plays" are the multitude of devices one uses to elicit sex via guilt, such as saying "I can't know the deepest levels of intimacy with a woman until I experience her physically, and that's the level I want to attain with you, should you feel the same way about me."

The "crease" is the area of the pelvis normally covered by thong panties. To be "in the crease" is to have one's fingers, hands or penis touching those areas.

"Icing" is ejaculating on her in any place other than the vagina. Especially on the first date or for repeat offenses, icing may land you in the "penalty box," a place where you're forced to gratify her orally before you get to play again.

"Butt-ending" and "Zamboni" are both self-explanatory.

A prolific bout of lovemaking that lasts all night and induces multiple orgasms might have the moniker "a Gordie Howe."

A brilliant sexual maneuver that elicits orgasm and/or sexual devotion shall be known as a Wayne Gretzky. Ex: I Wayne Gretzkied her ass and now she won't stop calling me.

Regardless of the sport metaphor, "Kobe Bryant" still means "scratching at the door to escape." "Jose Conseco" still translates to "asshole."

40 comments:

Heather said...

I feel so wrong for laughing at this post.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I was right with ya right up to the Zamboni... wth is Zamboni a metaphor, for?

It's Me, Maven... said...

PS: I'd love to email you, bug!

Toni said...

Sorry man, but whenever I hear the name Gordie Howe, I can't help but think of the Simpsons episode where Bart creates a secret admirer for Mrs. Krabappel and uses Gordie Howe's picture.

tornwordo said...

Is "Monica" really used as you said it is, or did you make that up. I'm helplessly amused if it is.

I predict that within the month I will receive this from one of those people who is passing things on that are funny. Well done.

Video X said...

so the whole time i was reading this...i kept thinking...so where is the icing? what's icing going to mean? for some reason that was the suspense for me. and OF COURSE you did not leave it out. awesome.

Teaspoon said...

So... Is it wrong that I use what you say in your blog as a basis for normal everyday activities? I mean my mom told me to go to college an I told her nope everything I need to know I learn from the LBB university.

Edgy Mama said...

OMG! Have I told that I love your dirty, brilliant mind?

What's the hockey term equivalent for mind fuck?

nongirlfriend said...

Sports elude me.

Why not just say "fuck"?

Wild*Hen said...

BRILLIANT!!!

The "Hat Trick" you forgot...

This is when one scores not once, nor twice but thrice in a given evening. Thus effectivly icing the crease.

(Penalty shots do not and should not be counted when tallying said Hat Trick.)

Julie said...

I always did love baseball and never did like hockey...maybe it all makes sense now... but still love you sweets...

SFChick74 said...

"DEFCON 5 Catholic guilt trip"

Classic!

StringMan said...

Aw, man, now I can't watch hockey anymore without getting wood every time I see a 3-on-1 or hear about stickhandling. Thanks alot.

CaCaBoy said...

Too funny! I'm in the penalty box, "flows" visiting this week! I guess I'll be stick handling!

Frap Gurl said...

What about the LEMIEUX???

Your teenage prowess caused an unhealthy heart rythem!

jules said...

I'll never look at hockey the same way again. You ruin so MANY things for me! ;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I am SO GLAD I am the only one currently in my office...I'd hate to have to explain all the hysterical laughter coming from my confines....;)

I almost didn't make it past "Slap-Shot".

You are SO bad...;)

PlatinumGirl said...

LOL -- you oughta write a book.

Lynn said...

Oh my. How can something so wrong feel so right?

Elaine said...

"Slap shots", "icing" ..topped off by a "Gordie Howe" equals up to a great night in my house! HEE. (TMI!!!!)

Which is a surprise to my husband since I was such a "dead puck," when we first dated.

Yes. Hockey terms definately tops boring ol' baseball. You're a genius LBB.

KB said...

OMG I'm laughing my ass of right now!

How do you come up with this brilliance?

My friend Ms. Divine went to a "Thrashers" game last night--there has to be something there. LOL

Well done LBB! ;-)

Oh great One said...

I don't know how you come up with this stuff LBB but I love it!

normiekins said...

This is hilarious......thanks LBB......next hockey game i attend i'll have all these images in my mind!!!! i'll be laughing and someone will ask me why and i'll just say thinking about lightning bug's butt!!!!!!!! LMAO

Anti-Blogger said...

You have crossed the blue line with this one.

Ms. M said...

I love the icing! ONLY, being a woman, I get iced. Hooking? Nasty!

I saw the Thrasher's play last night. All those terms now hold new meaning for me.

You're too friggin' funny!

kari said...

All things must evolve. Good job!! By the way...I snorted soda out my nose at the Defcon5 comment. Ass.

Miss Sassy said...

I agree - much to much ambiguity with the baseball analogy...
Thanks to you, I've upped my sports vocabulary - and I'll be stealing your meanings when I show off all the new words I've learned!!
Fantastic way to promote the sport, btw. =)

poopie said...

Okay. I've never understood that tip in and go on a guilt trip thing. Maybe 'cuz I'm Methodist.

Amandarama said...

I'm not sure what's more frightening - the detail with which you've redefined each of these terms, or the degree of time you've clearly spent thinking about it. :)

Dave Morris said...

I wish I didn't fucking hate hockey so much.

BTW, "hockey" was always a metaphor for shit, or shitty... which, ironically, describes my sex life.

Dave Morris said...

PS - the fact that it's 9:30 pm and I'm blog-hopping, is indicative of the shittiness of my sex life.

PPS - this is brilliant, as usual.

Chick said...

I love the thought you put into this...you even got the Catholic girl shame in there.

I like hockey more already.

Chewy said...

"hocky?"
UUüHHHGGG-rrrr! UüüHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! RRRRRR! RRRRRR! GGLL LLRRRR-rrrRRR! GGLL LLRRRR-rrrRRR!

Trojan said...

That post was outstanding...I'm a huge hockey fan and loved the metaphors.

Pieces said...

Great post...I was laughin my ass off at some of those!! TTYL

circe said...

I won't be employing the baseball metaphors any longer........
:)

BTExpress said...

This was so funny and so well done. Me, I'm just going to stick to the baseball metaphors, the hockey ones are too complicate for me. Besides, 1st base is as far as I've gotten in years. :-(

R2K said...

Lol we used the same system, but we had all these minor changes to represent all these different things. Like maximum third base was 69...

R2K

Blog ho said...

i prefer..the death metaphor.

gusgreeper said...

brilliant. you even used wayne.