1/18/2006

Shithouse graffiti

One reads a lot of interesting things etched into the alloy walls of a public shitter stall.

Few know that some of the best American poets publish exclusively for the restroom stall at Jack-in-the-Box at Broadway and 45th. This comes as no surprise; inspiration often strikes during defecation. I defy the reader to offer a more elevated theme than the defecator and his muse, the Turd. Play on, dear poet. Play on.

Other more practical features appear in public shitter stalls, too. They're a regular Craig's List for those in too desperate a condition to hold it until the drive home. The Directory section features phone numbers of single professionals looking for their soul mates. Most stalls feature an up-to-date urban slang glossary edited by local street thugs and gang-bangers. This is an excellent reference for bloggers and other writers, publishers and rappers. Also, junior high kids often keep a current roster of which students are suspected of being "gay." These publications transform far-from-home diarrhea from a dreaded ailment into a delight.

I enjoy all the written works. My favorite, however, is the shithouse sketch. I love the raw, urban emotion imparted into the minimalist sketches of human genitalia. These anonymous youths can capture incredible detail, form and composition with their Exact-o knives and Sharpie markers. Bravisimo to the potti-Picassos! Viva the toilet-Toulouse Latrecks!

One finds the best works in run-down ghettos. But it's worth the trip. The aforementioned Jack-in-the-Box stall boasts the finest Impressionist collection of human genitalia in America. I highly recommend it if you have the time – and the runs. One tip for travelers: bring nunchucks or similar self-defense device.

I've often wondered why the finest sketches reside in shitter stalls across the continent. What be the artists' inspiration? After careful consideration, I submit it's because inspiration lies literally in the artists' hands. They're holding their dongs even as they sketch! Where a palette of grey metal, a small carving tool and the artist's own junk collide, magic ensues. These young men yearn to immortalize their genitals (and perhaps those of their girlfriend) on a backdrop of dirty limericks and tramps' phone numbers. One must admire their artistic daring; where Renaissance artists merely refused to hide human genitalia, today's shithouse artists make it the focus of the work. Indeed, many sketches are merely genitalia or a small segment of torso and thigh with the genitalia featured prominently at the focal point. Artistic boldness like this is worthy of public funding. Tragically, public officials discourage "defacing" public property and enforce laws prohibiting it. The most recent victim of shithouse artistic oppression, pop singer George Michael, was briefly facing felony charges. The great artists have always faced persecution.

Personally, I've never wanted to sketch my own junk after holding it. But I've fondled a few boobs that I would have photographed if the owner would have let me. I even promised not to put them on the Internet. Persecution abounds. One day I hope to find computer terminals in public stalls so that I might write from my place of inspiration in my favorite medium, the weblog.

27 comments:

mwp said...

Here I sit
all broken-hearted,
came to shit
and only farted.

Pure genius!

ghoti said...

bugbutt dude, this totally sounds like a coffee table book.

you know, if there's not already one.

Bennet said...

hehehehe..

Oh I've read that one above. It's quite famous actually.

You're very correct. Bathroom stalls are the very best in undiscovered artworks...Although I'm rather dislike the "Jesus Saves" messages often plastered across port-o-cans on construction jobs with the big splatters of poo slung across it....but never the less quite intrigueing.

SugarHigh said...

huge fan of public restroom poetry. the best is when the mgt of the establishment provides writing utensils to encourage your creativity. not a huge fan of the big hairy ball portraits but I do dig the snappy little limricks. I always try to remember a few to bring back to my drinking buddies.

NWJR said...

I'm here to help, Mr. Butt. Many McDonald's "restaurants" are now WiFi hot spots! You could always use a stall in one of those fine establishments to write and upload your latest piece of homespun wisdom.

Just be careful where you place your laptop...a hot battery could burn your "inspiration".

jules said...

At my place of work the kids often do their own artwork...IN shit. God I love my job!

Shannon said...

Ohhhh we look forward to your inspirational web-log posts from the can!! lol..

The only art work I ever see in restroom stalls is.... "For a good time call...."...

That reminds me I gotta change my number =)

Love the post!

Smartypants said...

Today I was in a public bathroom and broke the handle off the toilet.

Amandarama said...

I used to do stage time out of a Chinese restaurant (because that's where all the best clubs are) that had a bathroom with legendary grafitti. Stuff that went back far enough to trace Ivy League grads blowing guys who eventually went on to headline nationally. Sadly, the bathroom has recently been tiled over.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I'm often amazed at the amount of racial slurrs I see written in the walls in restrooms.

While I understand bigotry (I dont support it but I understand it), I dont understand the seemingly symbiotic relationship is shares with taking a dump.

Here is a converstaion I imagine takes place between two red-necks.

Billy Bob - Hey Henry Jo, I gotta go take me a dump.
Henry Jo - You gonna write some of that good n-word poetry?
Billy Bob - Whoooowee! You betcha! Nothin gets my blood flowin like a turd full of peanuts! I think I'll write something about MLK suckin dicks or somethin...
Henry Jo - Mmmmm thats some good stuff!

I'm not 100% sure that is how it happens, but I'd guess I'm not far from the truth.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Last weekend I saw a cactus that looked like a limp penis. Made me feel like I was in Arizona with a loser. Sigh. It was like a mini-vacation.

PlatinumGirl said...

This was truly inspired. LOL funny!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Uh-huh...and I bet you're one of those guys that will hold a half hour conversation on the phone while you're taking (or rather...leaving) a poop too, aren't you? ;)

The PK does that ALL the time...he'll even flush before he hangs up.

Ugh...;)

P.S. - I personally find those graffiti poems inspiring.
"Here I sit, all broken hearted...
Had to shit but only farted."

Hee, hee......:)

nongirlfriend said...

Ha HA. Love it.

In my youth, I thought it would be a fab idea to travel the U.S., writing down all graffiti I saw (I have no issue in using the men's room) and publish a book on it.

I think someone beat me to it.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Somebody once wrote that the most biologically creative moment a human can experience is just after orgasm. I think this also applies to taking a big, satisfying shit.

I'm pretty sure 1/2 of For Whom the Bell Tolls was written whilst on the loo.

tornwordo said...

I often find myself dreaming up bits for the blog on the shitter. I never have my notebook there though.

I thought nunchucks was a made up word. Still, I took the time to look it up. I was surprised that it comes from Japanese. Great new vocab for me. Thanks.

Teaspoon said...

Man, And her I thought I was the only one who enjoyed the shithouse artistry.

Memphis Steve said...

I tried to embark on a career as a shithouse writer when I was only in the 2nd grade, but unfortunately I misspelled all the most important words and my career was shortlived. I just needed an editor, really.

kari said...

So let me get this straight...you think that these 'drawings' are self portraits? If so I feel sorry for the owner of the penis portrayed in the grafitti I saw just today!

Heather said...

I am always fascinated by the poetry in public bathrooms, myself.

Elaine said...

So when we start bringing our laptops to the loo with us.. what will our "art" be called.

"Shlogs?"

I think you've stumbled onto a whole new artform you can pioneer!!

Viva La Butt. (pun intended)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Weblog descriptions of Lincoln Logs at the bottom of the bowl are destined to be really big...

StringMan said...

And let us not forget the olfactory essence, built layer upon layer over many years, that contributes so mightily to those visual delights. Take a whiff ... ah, yes! Creation at its highest.

Spinning Girl said...

I'm fascinated my graffiti, always have been. I'm especially fascinated by man's need to draw the penis, from cave days through to this morning on the I-95 overpass.

I have been tempted, as a teacher, to write "so and so is a big fat slut" on the girls' room wall; mostly because no one would ever suspect me.

One of my proudest achivements in life (to date) is the suppression of that impulse.

Toni said...

It's time like this that I wish I was a guy. There's hardly ever any poetry on the walls of the ladies' room. It's really boring in there.

Dave Morris said...

The joke's in your hand. ar ar ar.

It's Me, Maven... said...

What I loathe are the Shithouse Merv Griffins, who just love to chat up a storm while you're trying to drop the kids off at the pool, take a whiz, or try to fart without causing too much of a disturbance.