1/02/2006

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

I believe this is sublime counsel. I’m glad to know today is merely the first day of the rest of my life. Why? Because first days are easy. Think about it. All you do is fuck off and pretend to give a damn about the company mission statement, it’s goals, objectives and problems and such. You shake a few hands, plaster a smile on your face and immediately forget the names of people you meet but already know you don’t like that much. You settle into your cubical and arrange your family photos. You cache a bottle of hooch in your file cabinet. Maybe some reefer in your desk drawer. And of course, a pistol. My Second Amendment rights don’t stop at the time clock, and they certainly apply to the first day of the rest of my life!

Relax. It’s only your first day! Nobody expects anything from you on account of you don’t know shit yet. Hell, your first day is a success if you find your way to the bathroom and the cafeteria without accidentally triggering the fire alarm. Don’t beat yourself up on the first day. Look at me. I already know where my bathroom is and the kitchen, too, so I’m way ahead. I must be some kind of freggin’ genius. I’m a natural at this “life” stuff. That’s for sure. Keep an eye on me because I’m going to “wow” you. Just look at the way I handle those everyday tasks like showering, dressing and preparing breakfast -- and all on my first day. Those Pop Tarts didn’t cook themselves. The New Guy made them.

I’m an ambitious man. It may be my first day, but I’m not going to let that stop me from seeking out challenging tasks. Maybe I’ll take in an episode of Oprah while balancing my checkbook. Multitasking is my forte. Later I’ll throw a load of laundry in the dryer and make a sandwich. Don’t worry. I’ve got the time. I already called in sick for work. I’m on my second martini and things are looking good. I’ve got the day off of work and my employer doesn’t have an intoxicated employee running about. That’s what my boss calls a “win-win” scenario. See? I told you my first day was going well. First days are easy money!

It’s the afternoon now and I have a blog entry ready to post. I won’t bother proofreading it because it’s my first day after all and you can’t reasonably expect that much of me. I’m not going to edit it for content, either. Hey, lighten up, reader. I’m new here. This is my first day. It’s the first day of the rest of my life. If you’re looking for quality work you’ll have to check in with me in a few days. By then I’ll have some experience. I’ll have learned the ropes. Jeez. Chill out. I haven’t even gone to orientation yet. Don't be a douche bag and go correcting my grammar and criticizing my writing. I might have to file a complaint at HR for harassment.

Good luck on your first day -- the first day of the rest of your life. If you need me, I’ll be propped up in the men’s bathroom stall smoking’ reefer.

22 comments:

StringMan said...

Hey, that first paragraph sounded like me at my job - except for maybe the gun.

I like first days, too, but my favorite is to be "next", as in next in line. What a great feeling. Things might suck, but at least I'm next. It's downright exciting ... nipple-hardening.

StringMan said...

Hey, Firsties!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

holy cow, i think i just found myself a new philosophy to live by.

either that, or that whole alcohol-is-good-for-your-heart-so-drink-up thing.

Anonymous Shannon said...

The only thing I would add to the perfect first day, is a sling shot. It's really the "Swiss knife" of the office place.It can be used to shoot idoit co-workers that won't leave your cube when you want them too. You can use it to wake the dumb-ass that falls asleep in your meetings. Also, you can use it to punish your boss for being an asshole and not giving you a raise for you obvious hard work that you mentioned above.

Peter said...

HeyBugs can you get me a job there, I'd be good at it as Paladin used to say "Have Gun Will Travel"

NWJR said...

I won’t bother proofreading it because it’s my first day after all and you can’t reasonably expect that much of me.

Well, that explains the misuse of the possessive "its" in the first paragraph.

Weary Hag said...

Dying laughing at NWJR's comment.

Now, as I compose myself here ... The only problem with it being the first day of the rest of your life is that it's (observe appropriately placed apostrophe) also everyone else's first day of the rest of his/her life too. Perhaps this explains maddening drivers and slow-witted Taco Bell counter boys. Oh shit, this also lets Bush off the hook.

The dream was nice while it lasted, but then reality strikes ... I guess good things CAN be taken too far after all. Drat.

I think that saying should be changed to "today is the last day of the rest of your life." This way, we'd all do amazing things, each "last day" ~ who doesn't want to go out in some marvelous and clever way?

nongirlfriend said...

You've described all of my first days!

Barry S. said...

It's a damn shame that employers make such a big deal out of drinking on the job.

Lawsuit shmasuit.

Let every day be like the first day!

jules said...

Does your brain hurt from all the thinking you do, or does the alcohol and reefer dull the pain?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Which stall???

I'll be right there...I'll sneak in somehow...;)

Teaspoon said...

Here's to first days and they resulting drunken shootings that come from them.

SugarHigh said...

i wish my cubicle was next to yours. we could have arm farting contest and make paper airplanes all day. sounds like a blast. cheers to the first days. :)

Mia said...

Ummm...

which drawer did you say the reefer was in?

Jo said...

I'm so bent that nwjr went there first. But I would've said that it explains the misuse of the contractive "it's" in the first paragraph. Using the genitive "its" would've been proper usage, after all.

No, I don't have anything better to do. Why?

gusgreeper said...

company missions statements make me barf or laugh really hard.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

I'll try to remember that once I get back in the working world.

Bennet said...

You're doing a fine job Bug...heheheheee..

You have the positive attitude down perfect, and think that's really all you'd need anyway...

Besides, if you cared anymore some foolish co-worker might get themselves killed...Take the easy way I always say.

Nölff said...

"Today I broke the record for the number of consective days I've stayed alive" - George Carlin

Anonymous said...

Have to comment again to tell you that your blog is awesome! Becoming addicted. Thanks for the laughs.

Lynn said...

Laughing out loud at work right now..... This blog is always getting me in trouble.

Edgy Mama said...

I'll be in there with you. I've always kind of liked men's bathrooms. They're soooo, um, hygienic.